I grew up in a chasidic family, I was a very quiet boy with very deep and delicate feelings and talents.
As I grew up, very little ppl saw the deepness in me, and b/c of that I grew up with a big desire for recognition.
When I went to yeshiva in Israel I didn't really have friends, b/c I thought that it was a failure,
So I was trying not to get too close to anyone and stay away for close relationships, But even then I was trying to get recognition for my talents, So I offered help where I could...
Then I was asked if I would like to help some org near the yeshiva, I ran for the offer hoping I'll find some recognition there, but the person I was working with (age 35+) saw my weakness and started giving me the recognition I was waiting for, I loved going there every day...
By the time I knew what his motivation was it was too late... This man sexually abused me for 2 years.

For that 2 years my live was complete autopilot, I wasn't in control, the time zipped passed with a ton of pain...
When I got engaged I didn't go back to yeshiva (B"H), but something in me was different (just to be clear: I didn't know a thing about sexuality before meeting that man) I didn't understand what I was going though and what I was chasing after...

Before I got married (6 years ago) I went back to Israel, there I met that person again and then he had a smart phone, he sat me down and opened me up to the world of porn... 

B"H just over 5 years ago I listened to a shiur about something where the teacher (a therapist) spoke about abused children, and said that no one can heal from this w/o therapy... so I got in contact to a therapist and started working on my life...
But even though I open up to him everything (and even managed to tell my wife about my story) I was still ashamed about my porn addiction and I was hiding it even to my therapist...

Just a year ago I found the courage to tell my therapist about my porn addiction, and we worked on it for some time, I was even clean for about 3 months, but I wasn't fully working on change, I thought I was over and I'm different from now on... but then I started feeling the urge, I pushed it away first, But b/c I didn't have the right tools for it I eventually fell.
I got back up after some time, but when it happened again, I worked on it with my therapist... but after a few times falling I stopped telling him, B/c I was ashamed to tell him that after all this work I'm still struggling...

Now...
A few days ago I decided that I need to take matters in my own hand and I signed up for GYE.
I must say the support here is soo different, I don't feel that I suddenly solved the issue, but rather that the ppl here understand it for my prospective...

really hoping for change, but with a deep understanding on what I'm going through.
me

Welcome. I can’t imagine the pain and shame that you are dealing with internally. It is very courageous of you to come here and open up.

Hopefully with time here and the encouragement of the chevra you will be able to open up completely to a sex addiction certified therapist. You will not be judged at all and iyh you will learn to not be ashamed for things that happened that were way beyond your control. (Even if they were in your control the guilt and shame is not helpful but in your case it is obvious that you were taken advantage of)

Welcome!

I'm so sorry about what you went through. And your courage to work through the pain is impressive!

You came to the right place. GYE is a community dedicated to overcoming this struggle, and you can connect to people who've been through the same painful journey as you have. 
The shame of struggling with this stuff is unbelievable, and is one of the yetzer hara's greatest tricks for keeping us stuck in it. Stick around, post, connect with people who really get it, and then you'll see it's not so tough to be honest with your therapist.

Hatzlacha!

Oof . Wishing you much hatzlacha and healing with some support from GYE folks and tools.

Hello there, fellow Chasidic Jew.
We, the people of GYEville, welcome you.

I can only imagine your experience of ache -
being taken advantage of by a fraud and a fake.

He exploited your innocence and crushed your soul,
leaving in your already yearning hearts place, a wide gaping hole.

But here you are; you refuse to stay down,
you reject the notion of living with a perpetual frown.

I commend you for your courage and am in awe of your bravery,
for doing whatever it takes to rid yourself of this slavery.

חזק וברוך!

Welcome! What a courageous first post! As someone who never went through the גיהינם that you went through, I feel unqualified to even give you any advice. I can just say with clarity, you are not at fault for your porn addiction, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Someone cruel took advantage of your innocence and need for recognition and exploited it. Please don't beat yourself up for something that's not your fault. Allow yourself to cry for the purity and innocence that was robbed from you in such a cruel way. We can't know why Hashem orchestrated events in this way, but now that he did, it seems like your עבודה is to fight your way out of this. You are an amazing person with many talents that will hopefully find expression, either by posting, or by connecting to the wonderful folks here that frequent these forums. The Oilam here is incredible, and as you pointed out, they will understand you, sympathize with you, never judge you, and above all really and truly accept and care for you. Looking forward to getting to know you better So glad that you decided to join us, great to have you on board! Hatzlacha Rabbah!

Welcome! Horrible and sad about that abuser! Great that you are working on your issues with a therapist!

I think that BEH as you work on your issues, you will also help you work out the other issues that you don't want to mention. Can you mention to him that it is embarrassing for you to share each time. Connecting with your therapist and sharing your feeling is a major part here.

Sounds cliche but BEH this time will be different!

WOW WOW WOW, Thank you all so much for your messages, It's the first time that I shared my story with ppl that understand me so deeply, I never felt so warmly accepted...
Your messages brought tears in my eyes, you filled me up with so much encouragement and will power to continuing to fight.
Thanks

I’m late here, but better late than never!

Welcome brother! I'm (relatively) new to this platform, and the love and support pulsating through is capable of carrying you to victory like it did me!

May I suggest you reach out to Hashem Help Me (michelgelner@gmail.com)? He's helped countless others, me included, break free form this damned beast.

Freedom is possible! A life of קדושה וטהרה is within reach!

Grab onto the pure hands outstretched towards you, and experience the exhilarating feeling of purity!

With warmest wishes for your sustained success,

Muttel 

sexually abused!?
can relate to that way to much!
wishing you a fast and speedy recovery,
you're makin' BIG moves keep it up!

How are you doing buddy?

B"H I'm doing fine, Thanks amevakesh for asking, 
I'm doing the course "Flight to Freedom" Its very well done.
And I'm listening to the audio book "The Battle of the Generation".

The support here is really doing good for me
Thanks to all of you   

To echo what Muttel wrote, "I'm late here, but better late than never". 

Welcome to the family FTF! 

GYE is much more than a site and anonymous forum, it's a FAMILY! 

With family there's no judgmentalism, it's pure love! You have nothing to be afraid of over here. 

I was literally crying reading through your post. Such innocence and purity grappling with unjust cruelty and selfishness. I can't fathom the pain you went through, and have no words of comfort. All I can do is offer a shoulder to cry on.

Make yourself comfortable, learn your new family members. You'll be surprised what comfort connection brings. 

Chow Chow for now. But stick around, buddy. There's light at the end of the tunnel, when you walk it thru with friends. We're here for you!

All the best, 

- Yiftach'l 

i can definately relate to being taken advantage of by a trusted older person. 

You are a survivor, and hopefully here you can get the strength to take whatever next steps are necessary to grow from here. 

Hatzlacha

A wild week.
Just a week ago I posted my story here, I was very hard to write, But it was worth the effort...
Something inside of me is different now, It's not the first time I'm clean for a week, and its not my longest clean period,
But its different, (not sure with what) but different.

I spoke to my therapist this week, and I told him about this community and how different I feel, But I told him that deep inside of me I feel upset at him, I feel now, that I was never understood so deeply, Only now after writing my story here and reading what others are struggling just like me, do I feel less ashamed and more open to myself, Only now do I feel ready to take the fight in my own hands, and with Hashems help win it till the end, Only now do I understand the meaning of this fight, and the actual excitement of getting an opportunity for tremendous growth with every challenge.
Till now every fall put me deeper into shame and less motivated for change.
Just to be clear, My therapist did help me get to a far better place that what I was when we started (5 years ago), we worked a ton on what brought me to the place that someone could take advantage of me and use me for his unthinkable desires, I'm different now B"H.

But there is still one big this that is keeping me form growing big, my own desires, and I brought this up a year ago to my therapist, but when it came to this thing I barely got any understanding, He was too focused on change...

(reading this post now, I don't think it makes sense, But this is on my hart now so I'm sharing it...)

...Where am I now...
I'm doing very good, At first I thought that I shouldn't celebrate this week b/c I didn't have any big changes, But listening to the audio book "The battle of the generation", He said that a person should write down every success, even if its tiny, So that's what I did, I started since yesterday to text myself a V for every tiny success, every time my thought want to go one way and I push back thats a V... As of now I have 14