I guess "Eagle Eyes" can choose what to focus on...

Where's the update from our feathered friend?

Hello all
Thank you for keeping up with me. I am keeping in the air, but it is not easy.

I had a rough time over Shabbos. A lot of pressure at home.

Motzei Shabbos, I was just wiped from all of this. I tried learning in my study and it was just not going. I put my head down on my shtender and just wanted to cry. (the crying did not come).
In the past this would have been a perfect situation for me to just switch my mind to fantasize or to go to bed and fantazise myself to sleep.
This was not even an opion for me now. I knew I was having a hard time and I needed to deal with it, not just to escape into the wild.
Thank you to all of you here for beeing here for me. I think knowing that you guys have my back, really kept me clean, Also I think that part of this is real growth.

138eagle wrote on 09 Sep 2024 17:07:

I KNOW that this is REAL growth!

Yes!!!
The growth that we experience here is BH of the kind that extends into all areas of living and Avodas Hashem. Becoming a person who acts instead of just reacting. Becoming a person who doesn’t need to escape or soothe when discomfort or pain hits, but deals with life, living actively. Becoming a person who knows when he’s feeling weak, and reaches out for support.

….and so much more. 

Eyes on the horizon- 
I am looking at an eagle- majestic and proud…
………..,.he SOARS……
KOMT!

Admiringly, 
your friend 
החפץ בחיים

Thank you all for your encouraging words and some of the calls of brotherly love that I got.

Thank you, R’ CO for your kind and encouraging words. You are 100% correct. A lot of the growth that we experience here is the ability to really live. To live a real life.

(Our Rebbi, HHM wrote on Feb 27, 2017 the following - #306976 - I think that this quote really sums up the יסוד of GYE

When people join GYE, they think they came to stop sinning. Those who are ready to shvitz a little, learn they are here to begin living.)

I even met Iwannalivereal the other day. That is a real experience of living real.

I had a ‘real life’ experience the other night again.

The other night after learning in my study, it was time to go to bed. I walked into the kitchen and there was a book on the table. Being an avid reader (If it stays still long enough, I will read it) I picked it up and flipped through the pages. I was intrigued by one of the stories. I began to read. I felt in my mind that I should not be doing this, I needed to get up the next morning especially early as I had rearranged my morning chavrusa because of a simcha.

In the past the ending to this story would have been “a late night”, and a tired day the next day.

Now as a more real person, the story had a different ending.I closed the book and told myself, that I can read this tomorrow evening when I have some time that will not interfere with my schedule and my life. I went to sleep at a normal time.

The feeling of being able to conquer my urges, (even a seemingly ‘kosher’ urge) is only due to the work to really live life that I am getting from being here.

Thank you all for helping me fly!

Hi R' Eagle! Just wanted to let you know that your post inspired me to got to sleep at a normal time last night. You see, although B"H my nights of watching porn are behind me, and with them the "a late night, and a tired day the next day", I still have a very deeply ingrained habit of wanting to be entertained at that time of night and shut my brain off while still awake (an absolutely terrible idea, see here: #414748 The Posture of Pornography from R' Chaimoigen). And so, I still find myself being up about an hour later than I should be, reading the news etc. But your post was a good wake-up (?) call! Thank you for sharing!

Keep Soaring, 
iwantlife

iwantlife wrote on 12 Sep 2024 14:59:

Thank you
I just went and read it. Totally Relate.
I need to work on this too......

138eagle wrote on 11 Sep 2024 18:14:

As a serious book worm, boy can I relate, at least to the late night-tired next day...
One of my most dangerous times is Friday night (yes, we get those dastardly magazines even in Burma), and I can read the night away.
You've inspired me yet again, this week I will try to remember your post and get to sleep an a functional hour...and be much happier, and more alert, on Shabbos day! 
You've inspired me.

A big part of my flight here is that I am working to reverse many years of me looking at my wife as something for me to enjoy and her feeling that way. Understandably this has created quite a bit of friction between us. As I begin to rewire my brain that she is a person and I need to give to her what she needs and wants, things are improving. However, it is many years of wrong that needs to be corrected, so the change takes time. Slowly but surely, it is happening.

As of now, my wife is seeing the change in me, but wary. So many years of looking at her wrong, I think she feels that I fell on my head. She is definitely wondering what got into me. I am ok with that, she will eventually realize that it is for real and she will join the change for the better.

Below is part of my journal from this week’s progress.

This week my wife went to the Mikvah. I did not do so well.

As I came home in the evening, I was greeted by the reality that things were not going as I would have liked them to go.

My older daughter was taking my wife’s car out of town for a chasuna and I was going to need to drive her to the mikveh and go learn with my chavrusa nearby while she went.

She was not going to be ready on time. I felt frustrated, but I did not say anything.

We eventually went. Then when I picked her up, she was on the phone with my daughter about when is she coming home from the chasuna. I felt frustrated, but I did not say anything.

She asked me to take her to the Kever of a Local Tzadik to daven for her mother who is recovering from surgery that she had that day. I felt distant. I did it as a chore that I needed to do because it is important to you. But only as a chore. I would have really like to feel good about doing this for her.

I felt inside a little that I am not getting what I need from this here. I feel that I am not ‘there’ yet. A bit down on myself that I am still looking at myself here and only trying to give to her as a task, and not from a real felling for her.

But all along, I did not say anything.

Till here was written at night prior to going to sleep.

The below I wrote in the morning.

When I was in the shower getting ready for bed, I realized that although I am not yet perfect, I am much better than I was in the past.

1.      I did not say anything not nice to my wife.

   They were just feelings, but feelings can be felt.

2.      I did not ignore the feelings. I addressed them, even typed them out. Therefore, they were not the elephant in the room anymore. Therefore, when it came down to game time, things were ok to go.

So למעשה things went well and the remainder of the night was enjoyable.

Even though the opening line of my journal is “I did not do so well”. I would call this a win!!

Then to top it off the most amazing thing happened the next day.

My wife called me to discuss some practical things about her day. At the end of the conversation, she said some beautiful words.

“Thank you for last night”

I felt great! It felt wonderful to be validated that I am doing the right thing, and even better to feel that she is getting it and appreciating it!! I must really be doing well!

I could not have done this without the support from all of you, my brothers here.

Thank you for helping me fly!

R' Eagle, what a beautiful post! My eyes welled up in tears. What unbelievable progress! There's something special, otherworldly, about this type of spiritual growth between a husband and wife. Keep sharing your feelings and inspiring us to grow in our own marriages!

Much love,
iwantlife

And look yonder, a majestic eagle soaring above the mountains, focused eagle-eyed on the prize, not curious what is to the right or left, with a hint of a proud smile on his royal beak. Wait! Right behind him, a female queen eagle with that same smile...  Two self confident loving birds relishing the cool breeze and beautiful vistas and views together.  Is there a bracha for seeing such a sight? 

iwantlife wrote on 13 Sep 2024 16:12:

Thank you! I have never been able to verbalize that feeling. Whenever we witness a husband and wife finally joining for real in the "nefesh realm", it is so powerful and emotional. You put it into words beautifully. And it is otherworldly - because it is happening in the oilam ha-neshamos. It is going back to Adam and Chava originally being one person. And it is very special.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 13 Sep 2024 16:32:

I think the bracha is to bentch you for all the guidance and help you are giving me.

Thank You


שימלא הקב"ה כל משאלות לבך לטובה ויברך אותך באריכת ימים ושנים בכל טוב
ויזכה להיות מן המזכים את הרבים ולהיות מן השורה ראשונה בביאת המשיח במהרה

iwantlife wrote on 13 Sep 2024 16:12:

Mine as well. Just beautiful. Have a wonderful Shabbos.