Hey there BT, been thinking about you . Hope you're still on fire!!

Good Sunday morning. 
I've been away from posting largely because I need to work out "my time" from my wife. I can't be reading, watching or typing on my computer and when she walks in I minimize the screen and I don't want to share with her this side of me, so I've been suggesting to her that I want to join a men's online chat group that addresses issues of Emunah and Bitachon in a way that helps me be less moody and more supportive to her and our many Hashkafic differences  that we have had for the course of our 45 year marriage. She was apprehensive and felt that it would draw us further apart but BH see has agreed to a session with a independent 3 party who will hear her out and set ground rules/ boundaries that will make her feel comfortable with my going down that path. 
In the interim I had a setback where I had an opportunity to check on some chat rooms I previously visited and I took advantage of that opportunity. I didn't go beyond chatting so there is that victory for me, but it is clear that for me to be successful I need a better plan and the continued support I get in here. 
With established, uninterrupted  "my time" I expect I'll be able to contact Hashem help me and hear his sagely advice and implement his guidelines. 

I must say that it is frightening and bewildering to me the calm, pleasant, enjoyable satisfaction that I get when I'm in a chat room fantasizing about sexual gratification and pleasure. I feel so comfortable, right at home, 'in my groove' - it feels so right, so therapeutic, so just what I need right now.
It really feels real. I can only compare it to a spot on Dvar Torah where it's so genuine, it's poshut. The really crazy thing is that I know it's a real sense of immaturity on my part because I know that the people I'm chatting with are all other pervy guys who are sad addicts just like me - it's not real- but it feels so calming. 
I still have a ways to go but it definitely feels rewarding as well as humbling as well as tremendously encouraging to be a part of this community. 

Goal is to have mornings set aside for my time and then carve out of that daily regularly scheduled GYE time. 

Thanks to all of you. 

I'll try to get to the private message emails today or tomorrow morning as well. 

  

Hi thanks for checking in dear brother!

U probably know by now, there's no half measuring with lust yes you didn't cross all you're boundaries that's nice if we're dealing with random ideas you'd like to overcome,  yet with lust it's too much for us to handle on our own sooner or later you will just give in & keep breaking all you're sweet promises, I know for myself it's gotta be a real hard core decision I need to make sure  I'm ready to sacrifice all this delicious feelings I get from lust, all I have is regret & pain... I'm done. 

You'll likely be better off if you have a real person to be real & accountable with that went through this journey & is in the other side, on this robot chat it's similar to lust chat rooms u can hide behind a silly name & nobody knows you & you don't have to know who u are...bezh may you find courage within yourself to face the truth & the truth will set you free. 

Best wishes 

baalteshuvawannabee wrote on 21 Jul 2024 15:33:

Buddy if there's time enough for chat rooms there's time enough for GYE. 

I totally get the shame and hiding, and for a long time I hid GYE just as religiously as I hid porn. And I still don't use it openly. But the same way you were able to make a whole life out of acting out without your wife knowing, you can make a life out of recovery (and then maybe once you do that you'll be happy to have her know). 

This feeling like you can't do it and the excuses that come up are coming from the very large part of you that doesn't want to give up porn. I identify with the comfort and familiar ease of acting out for the first time in a while. It's been my go to comforter, my sweet poison for so long. We go together very well, porn and I. The only catch is that porn is killing me. And so but that's hard to remember when we've been friends for so long. And a very large part of me doesn't want to give it up even though it's killing me. So that part throws up a lot of excuses. 

You gotta remember where the excuses are coming from and the pain acting out brings. It's tough. But if you wait for "uninterrupted me time" I can guarantee two things. 1) You won't get that time often, and 2) when you do get it you'll use that time to masturbate your brains out instead.

Hey there friend . Care to stop by for a  לחיים or 2?

I am so excited to find this thread. Being “older”, I find it comforting that there are people my own age struggling with this. I had a lot of posts to get caught up on and reading them gave me strength to take on this day. I am going to have a good day today, thanks to this thread!!

Thank You