chosemyshem wrote on 27 Dec 2024 15:23:

Thanks, Reb Shem. I appreciate the insight, especially the fact that it's practical and a small enough step.

As for your second suggestion, trust me, brother, I've toyed with similar ideas for a long time. (I still do from time to time.)
But I'm shifting my focus. I want life.

Here's what I'm trying to focus on this Chanukah. Don't know if it'll resonate with you, but it's enthusiastic, circular hand gesture - free.

Here's what I'm thinking.

For a while, I've been using my history as a crutch, an excuse to avoid taking responsibility, not even to make an honest effort. Looking back a few years, I never used to be like this. I always took life — warts and all — on the chin. No fuss, no complaints; I'd show up and do what needed to be done. And then, something shifted in me. I became complacent, lazy, and comfortable in my victimhood.

From a naturalistic perspective, this might be the proper response. There's trauma, neglect, and a list of other catalysts for misery.

But what Chanukah teaches us is that we're not bound by nature. Make an effort, and your tiny, scrawny excuse of an army will defeat the mighty Greeks with their advanced weaponry and tactics.

That's how I currently understand the light of Chanukah.
It says, "You are not your trauma."

But I need to take the first step. Am I willing to listen and accept this empowering message?

Hineini.

Wow, that's one of the most positive things I think you've said Thompson, and it's so true too. Many of us are victims, some of us are victims of victims. I have a Me Too story, as I'm sure a lot of us out there have. Yeah, I hate the boy who did that to me and how he ruined me. But as I learned in recovery, we can't be victims forever. We need to emerge from victimhood. How? For me, it was through acceptance. I had to learn to accept myself (i.e. really, I had to learn to love myself). We are not our trauma, we are a tzelem elokim, and we can never forget that. It's a process, it takes time to heal, and lots of inner work, but it does get better.

I too am a victim of a victim. 

separating myself form my trauma and understanding that my struggles in large part stemmed from my trauma, was very helpful.

I still have more to do, but acceptance and understanding that all my experiences, even negative ones, are part of who I am today. Dare I say, I am proud of who I am today. I have much to improve in multiple areas, basic improvements, but I’m proud of myself.

The olam here at GYE helped me reach that realization.

Here’s wishing for you and others to get there too….

Muttel

thompson wrote on 27 Dec 2024 15:08:

The only thing I can possibly say is that the whole limud of Chanuka is that Hashem does nissem for us just because he loves us. He even does nissem that were not necessary (eg: menorah, tumah hutra btzibur). His love for us is unconditional. Regardless of what we do.
I may add that Rav Akiva Eiger ZT"L said the way to come to Ahavas Hashem is to focus on his love for us. When we do that, the love for him comes from "Kmayim Panim El Panim". Knowing how much he loves us which translates into our love for him gives  a major motivation to clean up .
Just thought I would share

Slightly following Rav Leuchter's advice (thanks, Shem), one part in Halel captured my attention.

אתהלך לפני ה' בארצות החיים
האמנתי כי אדבר אני עניתי מאד
אני אמרתי בחפזי כל האדם כזב

One of the things threatening to keep me down is negative self-talk. When all feels bleak and hopeless, nothing anyone says can help me if I tell myself otherwise. When I'd get into a dark spot, it'd be impossible to get out of it because I'd be busy knocking myself for the next few days.

"You'll never learn."
"You're pathetic."
"You've got nothing to offer anyone."
"Just give up already."
"You can't even do something as simple as giving up."
"Your wife would be better off had she married someone else."

Chanukah had its fair share of ups and downs, but I'm learning to accept my failures and continue walking before God.

How will I merit to walk before Hashem in the lands of the living?
By (verbally) reinforcing my positive potential when I'm in pain.
Hearing others say it will never ring true to my soul - if I don't believe it.

It takes courage to believe, especially after years of telling myself the opposite.

Even though we are still a few hours from the finish line, and I'm well aware of how fast lust works, I'll still go ahead and say: Thank You, Hashem, for a Chanukah free from porn and masturbation.

thompson wrote on 27 Dec 2024 15:58:

I just came back from a Chanuka break. Catching up a bit. 
Wow. This is beautiful, profound, and real.

Thank you. 

לחיים