I'll let Selichos check in for me.

Our Master in heaven, we beg of You, as a slave implores his master.
We are oppressed and live in darkness.
Our souls are bitter from great afflictions.
We don't have the strength to appease You, Master, do it for the sake of the covenant, which You made with our forefathers.

Check.

Day 28 check-in.

Check.

[redacted]

thompson wrote on 29 Sep 2024 15:14:

I was thinking about the fact throughout Slichos there is constant emphasis on how  poor, pathetic, helpless, and unworthy are we.

And then I thought about how the guy who is ravenously starving truly appreciates the gift of a single life-giving, slice of bread. 

Even ah bissileh Slicha, Chanina, Rachamim, and Ratzon goes a long way when I’m knockin on Heaven’s door, כעני בפתח

Then I was thinking today about how appreciative I am of everything that I have and continue to receive here in GYE, in this space. And that it’s a gift not to be taken for granted. Even the gritty parts. 


רחמנא דעני׳ לתבירי׳ ליבא ענינן

I masturbated to porn, and it was even better than I remembered.
At this point, I feel that it's not that I can't stop (that might also be true); I don't want to stop.

I can't unsee what I've seen.
I can't undesire what I've subsequently come to desire.

What I get from porn, I haven't been able to get anywhere else.
I'm terrified of real intimacy.

Looking back at those words, it seems like a sad state of affairs.
So be it. This is where I'm at.
A defective human being who doesn't know how to let his guard down and be vulnerable. Ever.
Broken.
Dark.
Cynical.
Bitter.

Shem, although your ego might breathe a sigh of relief, please don't take this as a cue to follow suit.

Reality is a great place to start work.

thompson wrote on 30 Sep 2024 20:33:

Ego shmego.

I want my 20 bucks.


(Not to interfere with your post fall doom and gloom, which is an essential part of life. But I just heard a great point in a fantastic shuir from Rav Yaakov Weinberg. There's no one around who will say it's good chinuch to tell a kid who misbehaved, "you suck, you're a broken, defective loser." We might say that, but we all know that's bad chinuch. 

So why do we say it to ourselves??

He explained that's the difference between guilt and regret. Guilt is ego centered. "I am bad." Regret is action centered. "I did actions that are bad." 

Ego-centered feelings are not going to result in teshuva. They'll result in depression, if anything. Action centered feelings result in being able to switch to better actions. If I say, "I masturbated and I'm an evil broken rasha." Well, that may be true. Or it may not be true. Only Hashem knows how to calculate who is evil and broken. But regardless, even if it is true I sure don't know how to stop being evil and broken.

But try this one, "I masturbated and that's an action I shouldn't be doing. What actions can I do to make sure this action doesn't happen again." Now that's a productive thought process.)

Care to double down on the post-fall aftershock masturbation? Double or nothing baby!

chosemyshem wrote on 30 Sep 2024 20:58:

Send me your address and I'll fax you a crisp $20 bill.

Just to clarify, I wasn't saying that I'm broken because I masturbated, but that I'm broken because I'm broken. Masturbating is just one of the ways I numb myself.

thompson wrote on 30 Sep 2024 20:33:

Ouch. Here’s a warm hand. 

One point if I may. It seems to me that there is a powerful truth in the second statement I bolded. And what you wrote there belies what you wrote in the first line I bolded. 

It seems to me (from this and other posts) that you do not desire porn and masturbation. You need them. They fulfill a need that you can’t fulfill elsewhere. That’s not a negative desire. It’s a state of affairs that is sad and has a brokenness to it, and for that you have my genuine sympathy and care, (whether you care for it or not, I guess).
But in the recognition of the truth of this, (and in working on whatever dark and ugly pain lies deep beneath this truth) maybe there can be the hope of a pathway forward, at some point. 

I hope you find it. Really. 

I also think there’s value in each day, and in Shem’s bet, regardless of this unhappy truth. Because this truth doesn’t negate the joy and life in the bissileh chaim I wrote of earlier. 

בכבוד, 
איש מבקש זכרינו לחיים

Selfishly...please don't stop posting.

As a professional lurker...your threads and Parev's are the ones I enjoy the most and am always on the lookout for updates. 

(wish I could give chizzuk but can't think of anything)

I was writing a dramatic post about moving on when I realized that's part of the problem. Making a whole drama out of it magnifies it.

Moving on.

thompson wrote on 01 Oct 2024 15:25:

Let the voters decide

richtig wrote on 01 Oct 2024 15:47:

The people have spoken.

Happy New Year.

Same old, same old.

Just another year older.

One year nearer to dying.

One vote down

{1 year further away from the last gilgul which presumably wasn't as good as the current one}

thompson wrote on 01 Oct 2024 22:17:

Over the last few years when my struggles peaked, I had this thought recurring and especially during this season. 

Pretty morose, depressing thought, but certainly the truth. 

The only thing that can make it less depressing is to come upstairs with our hands full of good deeds. 

Here’s wishing you a way out of cynicism and insecurity, to a life full of confidence and self growth to where this time of year will give you tremendous simcha!

With much brotherly love,
Muttel