?אם אין אני לי, מי לי. וכשאני לעצמי, מה אני. ואם לא עכשיו, אימתי

Thus spoke our great master, Hillel.

This is something I need to internalize deeply.

אם אין אני לי, מי לי
No one is coming to save me. (Not even my twin.)
It's up to me to take responsibility for my own actions.

וכשאני לעצמי, מה אני
As big of a shot as I think I am, I can't do this alone.
I need a friend, a mentor, a community. (Not just my twin.)

ואם לא עכשיו, אימתי
Tomorrow is not a better time to start. Neither is Sunday, the first of the month, Rosh Hashana, or any other "even" day that might look better in my biography.
Also, not after this last porn session.
Now.

Such a simple three-part sentence was spoken over two thousand years ago, and it is more helpful than bookcases of modern self-help.

These aren't tips or lifehacks. They're simple truths I need to realize.

the man w the big P for psychology, calling out the modern books of self help:)
ironically, while i was reading your piece i was referencing in my mind a couple of said books. but yup, the mishna always gets it best. ah!

hatzlacha implementing this timeless advice

woops, i may have missed your whole point w the last word of my post.

thompson wrote on 02 Jul 2024 17:56:

Quite right my dear Thompson, I was mistaken. For I am Thomson with out a "P" or an "M"...

Here's the outline of my story as I currently remember and understand it.
(Please note this is after many hours of thought and discussion. Many versions and theories came and went.)

Growing up, I was a shy, lonely kid, craving attention and rarely getting it. At some point in childhood, an older brother molested me. I secretly wished it would happen more often; I felt desired. Alas, it was a one-time occurrence. Since then, the desire to be desired grew faster than me.

This desire played out in my fantasies as I'd sit alone in my room, staring out the window at every passing girl and woman.
It played out when classmates approached me to offer their services.
It plays played out in the porn I'd watch to fill that gaping hole I didn't know existed.
It played out in my marriage until recently.

(I'm not claiming to be healed, but at least now I know what I'm dealing with—or so I think.
Like layers of an onion, life is full of surprises. Unlike an onion, life's layers never stop.)

So, here I am with all this stuff under my belt (pun intended). And some more that I might get to some other time.

Please, good people of GYE, I implore you not to reply with "I feel your pain" because I'm not in pain.
These are the cards I was dealt, and these are the rules of the game.
I've done plenty of raging and crying and will probably get to do some more somewhere down the road. But right now, let's get clean and have some fun.

Shall we?

thompson wrote on 04 Jul 2024 13:43:

Oh, I am so tempted to reply with an 'I feel your pain ". It almost hurts not to. But I know I wont explode. Gonna go do some urge surfing.

Like you said Lets get clean and have some fun. You will see ( I have high hopes for you) That the fun gets funner and and funner yet, the longer you are clean.

redfaced wrote on 04 Jul 2024 14:31:

@Redfaced  I feel your pain. (I'm not so good at urge surfing)

chosemyshem wrote on 04 Jul 2024 14:32:

Can I pass it up Thompson?

redfaced wrote on 04 Jul 2024 14:35:

Look, I asked; I implored, but I'm not going full Parev mode and enforcing my request. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Ah, so it looks like our dedicated detective has his sleeves rolled up and ready to go! Great!
So, how do we get/stay clean?

1. Work on motivation-Read the book TBOTG, check out the F2F program
2. Connect to some good guys-this helps keep us in the game, as well as being a portal for learning more and more about ourselves, the struggles and the solutions
3. Read around here-there's lots of inspiration and pointers to learn

In the long term, to keep the maintenance, I have seen that keeping up with a few (2-3) guys, makes all the difference

So, dig in! Shall we?

Hey, welcome and thanks for bringing some fresh air and a positive vibe!

It looks like you're all about tackling challenges with positivity instead of getting stuck in negativity. That's a pretty awesome way to go about it!

Even if there are roadblocks ahead, just laugh them off!

Let's kick things off with a bang and get the truck roaring!

Join the truckers and have a blast!

I had a pretty rough day yesterday (what with mixed carnival season in 100-degree weather). At the end of the day, after chasing everyone into bed, I wanted to unwind with some of my favorite scenes. The type that makes me blush when I enter the search term.

With God's grace, I remembered my newfound band of brothers or truckers, and I found my stress release in some yoga poses instead.

I stand before you today with another victory.

Thanks to everyone who commented, and a special thanks to all who reached out privately.
You guys rock.

Beautiful! For posts like these alone, the entire GYE is worth it! Keep on trucking and inspiring!

Here's a journal entry for this past Shabbos.
​
Shabbos morning started on the right foot, BH.
I got to Shul early enough to be Maavir Sedra.
(Digression: I used to do this religiously and want to start again. The same all-or-nothing thinking that keeps me in the hole after I have a fall is to blame for my stopping to be Maavir Sedra. IYKYK.)
The coffee, with some small talk with some lovely fellow shul-goers.
Davening began, and quite pleasantly, too.

Then the curtains fell, and darkness descended. No one warned me that scene #2 was about to begin.
I quickly pulled my Tallis to cover more of my face as I fought back tears. It was a mixture of sadness, anger, grief, and some other uncomfortable stuff.

"What would life look like without that one-time five-minute affair so long ago?" I wondered. "Would it be radically different? Would anything at all be different? Am I just blowing this out of proportion and using it as a crutch? Why am I such a baby? I used to make fun of people who 'play victim.' Some buried memories resurfaced, and I jumped on the bandwagon. On the other hand, I may have been wrong all along.

My lips sang Hallel for me.

"Ki Gavar Aleinu Chasdo" - "You see that awkward, lonely child? Remember him from 25 years ago? Nebach him."
"Hodu Lashem Ki Tov!" - "You m**********r! What did you do to me?!"
"Yomar Na Yisroel" - "Oh, come on! You're a guy like any other guy; everyone has some challenges. You're not special."

Min Hameitzar should've been a better fit for the fog, but I wasn't in the mood to talk honestly to Hashem. Cynicism is so much easier and has more instant gratification.

Finally, after some 4x4 breathing, I pulled myself together and made it outside. Ah, the Otzar Haseforim - where the real healing takes place. People come here to forget their worries by immersing themselves in the endless ocean.

"Ocean of what?" you ask.
Bourbon.

Not too much, just enough to round the sharp edges and add some fuzz to the hard wooden tables.

The rest of Shabbos went by pretty pretty, BH.
Thank God for breathing and bourbon.

thompson wrote on 09 Jul 2024 16:10:

Truth. The two basic necessities of life.

Have you/are you speaking to a therapist? 
Alot of guys have seen alot of success - whether in getting clean from porn and masturbation, or in cleaning up the related/root issues - from speaking to someone.