A gitten Chanukah
Today I watched the lecht it had a different meaning to me my eyes were shining for simche
I decided to do something I waited 13 years
So here is my story
it’s about time to give it out
12 years
I was raised in chasidish family
to good loving parents bh bh
As I got to the age that my nisyones started popping in and I wasn’t told anything what’s waiting for me in the coming years
I was just drove in pure evil
At first I was just Mast..
I had no idea what I am doing
I was 11 years and my shame started building up
Lust for woman also came in so hardly
And couldn’t talk to anyone just doing bad things
Till one day I got access sadly to a Unfiltered Smartphone
I had no idea what it is
The first app that came up was google
I learned that I can search whatever my heart desires
So as my desires were woman I searched for that
And when google sees you searching for this
they know exactly what you need
and they are gladly helping you getting what you ask
And I got to porn of course
11 years old
I was so shocked I was in toilet for hours
this went on for 5 years
usually I had easy access
if not I would go in ppls house without permission and using their computer
or I would grab newspaper and run in toilet or I would watch in window to be able to see one woman to fill my lust
I did more crazy things I can’t write over here
It went on from day to day week to week month to month year to year
and I didn’t share for one person
hours of porn that damaged me for life
at the age of 17 I got my own phone with open access to internet
so the yetzer made it easier
I didn’t had to do crazy things
just go to bed and…:
Thats what I did day after day
till I got married by 20
sometimes few times a day
Ohhhhhh
writing this down breaks my heart
I wanna cry
We are in such tough times
And leaving your child dealing with it him self is nothing helpful NOTHING!!!
my opinion my experience
I was going with a cycle
and crying and crying
and couldn’t say a word for anyone
one time I watched on my uncle computer and he caught me and told my father
all my father told me is
I’m not telling you what to do just make sure nobody finds out anymore
I was so mad
I still can’t look at this uncle
so much shame
I wanna go on with my story
I just got stuck and heartbreaking
bringing back these memories
So I got married to my wonderful wife bh
I loved her from first second
but after a few weeks I realized that one girl will not end 10 years of garbage
and I started again watching even I promised my self that this is it
I watched and did more crazy stuff
and till one day
little bit after my first baby the day came and my wife caught me
That night was something I can’t think about
but I need to give it out of me
She was on the way to her mother crying and yelling on tone 11
Ohhhhh hashem
Nobody should ever have this
The first time someone finds out in since I started 10 years before and it was my wife
My partner I promised to be a good husband and not to go under her back
and in one second I lost everything
And I begged her with tears in my eyes
Please stay here
I promise I’ll stop
she wasn’t impressed at all
She told me
You are not interested in me
You are working behind me
I don’t trust you
I’m going to my mother
I blocked the door
I begged her
She never heard of porn before
and she just knew that I looked at other woman because I don’t like her
I couldn’t change her mind
I begged her
please let’s call a professional
I’ll start therapy
I’ll do whatever it takes
After hours she agreed to wait till tomorrow and will call relief
Thank god
for this organization
in a few days I got a therapist
these days we’re so hard so painful so depressing
Maybe you will look at this as crazy
but when my wife learned that it’s something thats a struggle and has nothing to do with her my wife wanted to go out eat a day after
she is so so caring
I know it was her darkest day
but she worked so hard and together we are getting so much healthier and happier
I wanna thank her for everything she did to me
I was terrified from this day
I stayed clean for 155 days bh
my therapist helped me a lot
and with hashems help I reached milestones I didn’t ever had bh
Just one problem I had
Something called SMARTPHONE
and with this in my pocket
Life was miserable
even if I was clean bh
I will say it again
with this in my pocket my life was miserable!!!
Hashem gave us a really hard nisoen
I know brothers and sisters its tough
But as ppl here in this family
I want to share my two cents
my experience
ITS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!
Throw it away please
your life will start shining
I know that’s not the solution
but with this all the hard work you do to be healthy you are just making it impossible
And because of this my story is not finished yet and on day 155 after all what happened to me before after all I promised all I committed all I worked all I cried to hashem
I had a fall
After that fall my wife reaction was double from last time and I didn’t had much to tell her
I was so lost We both cried and we were lost
During the period I was clean that 155 days I signed up here on GYE I got many feedback that HHM can help I contacted via email but I couldn’t call him I had shame from years and it was impossible for me
that night I decided that’s my only way I asked my wife before you leave me please give me a chance to call someone she agreed bh
I don’t know what HHM told her but this guy changed my life I gave up my phone that day and started to work with him and bh bh
The impossible became possible and bh now I am 158 days clean and I’m growing each day instead of all these years I dropped each day
there is so much more to say here but maybe In future posts
I just wanna take a moment to talk to to you my dear brothers over here I know that feeling of It’s impossible Its the hardest thing ever It’s never gonna stop
Please listen to me
I promise there is a way out
Hashem created this nisoen
He knows how it feels too and he is watching you and he is ready to give you strength to fight
There is a way out
We can help you
Throw your phone in garbage and start living this world erlich and peaceful It can be your reality soon I will do whatever I can to help you there are many other ppl here that can Just don’t give up
the good days are right in front of you
This is very tough business
But with Hashem help this can be history you are not alone and you will be healthy and happy very soon
sorry for long posts
I hope you can learn from it
For me it was a therapy session
Reach out to if you want at
NH95.GYE@gmail.com
A blessed Chanukah
