It's normal.
Just stopping doesn't make us sober.
The way you're feeling is a symptom of being a normal human being.
The ups and downs are part of thid journey.
The need to share does not have to be with your wife, but it is recommended to share with friends. (like the ones here, you can call or even meet in person).
We're with you!

Thanks for your words 
It means the world 

But I feel so bad hiding from my wife 

II promised her to tell everything from when she caught me 

I feel like a lier and betrayal
I wish you can clear me my mind

Hey there! 

I wouldn't call you a liar and betrayal if you don't feel ready one second to the next to come clean to your wife. 

Give yourself some time. Stand back up. Gain your footing. Then, you'll feel much more confident sharing it and adding that you even did the hardest part of standing up after a fall. 

Don't be impulsive. Give urself the time you need. There's a lot of pain to get over, you'll get thru it!!! 

There's light at the end of the tunnel!!

All the best! 

- Yiftach'l 

NH95 wrote on 21 Jul 2024 22:07:

A question about what to tell your wife totally depends on your specific situation. It could be it is very important to tell her, it could be horribly destructive. It's really a question that must be asked to someone with a lot of experience and whom you can share all the gory details of your specific situation with. Please, do yourself a favor and call/email HHM and don't just flip a coin based off what people say without knowing your specific situation. At the very least, talk it over well with your therapist.

Regarding the other issue - are you still sober/feeling horrible. Change is hard. Really, really hard. Your progress so far sounds unbelievable, and one slip cannot undo that. Keep on climbing!
(Note that while it cannot undo your progress, it might be a sign of shaky foundations. Then again, it might be no big deal. Also something worth talking over with someone wise.)

chosemyshem wrote on 22 Jul 2024 13:25:

It is highly recommended to speak to HHM - Hashem Help Me. He has helped hundreds, if not thousands, present company included. He is very warm and caring, and will be of great assistance. He is available at michelgelner@gmail.com
Reach out, you wont regret it!

of course your still clean your amazing. 149 is a major milestone. keep it up!

Hi all

I’m back



lot happened since 

Not so good things 

But bh I am in much much better place now 



Currently 151 days clean

And it’s easy at this point 

Thank you hashem



Would love to share my story and help others if I can do that

First just a check in

A gitten Chanukah
Today I watched the lecht it had a different meaning to me my eyes were shining for simche
I decided to do something I waited 13 years

So here is my story 
it’s about time to give it out 
12 years 

I was raised in chasidish family 
to good loving parents bh bh

As I got to the age that my nisyones started popping in and I wasn’t told anything what’s waiting for me in the coming years 
I was just drove in pure evil 
At first I was just Mast.. 
I had no idea what I am doing 
I was 11 years and my shame started building up
Lust for woman also came in so hardly 
And couldn’t talk to anyone just doing bad things 
Till one day I got access sadly to a Unfiltered Smartphone 
I had no idea what it is
The first app that came up was google 
I learned that I can search whatever my heart desires 
So as my desires were woman I searched for that
And when google sees you searching for this 
they know exactly what you need
and they are gladly helping you getting what you ask 
And I got to porn of course 
11 years old
I was so shocked I was in toilet for hours 
this went on for 5 years 
usually I had easy access 
if not I would go in ppls house without permission and using their computer 
or I would grab newspaper and run in toilet or I would watch in window to be able to see one woman to fill my lust
I did more crazy things I can’t write over here 
It went on from day to day week to week month to month year to year 
and I didn’t share for one person 
hours of porn that damaged me for life 
at the age of 17 I got my own phone with open access to internet 
so the yetzer made it easier 
I didn’t had to do crazy things 
just go to bed and…:

Thats what I did day after day
till I got married by 20
sometimes few times a day

Ohhhhhh
writing this down breaks my heart 
I wanna cry
We are in such tough times 
And leaving your child dealing with it him self is nothing helpful NOTHING!!! 
my opinion my experience 

I was going with a cycle 
and crying and crying 
and couldn’t say a word for anyone 

one time I watched on my uncle computer and he caught me and told my father 

all my father told me is 
I’m not telling you what to do just make sure nobody finds out anymore 

I was so mad
I still can’t look at this uncle 
so much shame 

I wanna go on with my story 
I just got stuck and heartbreaking 
bringing back these memories 

So I got married to my wonderful wife bh
I loved her from first second 
but after a few weeks I realized that one girl will not end 10 years of garbage 
and I started again watching even I promised my self that this is it 

I watched and did more crazy stuff 
and till one day 
little bit after my first baby the day came and my wife caught me
That night was something I can’t think about 
but I need to give it out of me 
She was on the way to her mother crying and yelling on tone 11
Ohhhhh hashem
Nobody should ever have this 
The first time someone finds out in since I started 10 years before and it was my wife
My partner I promised to be a good husband and not to go under her back 
and in one second I lost everything 
And I begged her with tears in my eyes
Please stay here 
I promise I’ll stop 
she wasn’t impressed at all

She told me 
You are not interested in me 
You are working behind me
I don’t trust you 
I’m going to my mother 

I blocked the door 
I begged her 

She never heard of porn before 
and she just knew that I looked at other woman because I don’t like her 

I couldn’t change her mind 
I begged her 
please let’s call a professional 
I’ll start therapy 
I’ll do whatever it takes 

After hours she agreed to wait till tomorrow and will call relief 

Thank god
for this organization 
in a few days I got a therapist 

these days we’re so hard so painful so depressing 

Maybe you will look at this as crazy 
but when my wife learned that it’s something thats a struggle and has nothing to do with her my wife wanted to go out eat a day after 
she is so so caring 
I know it was her darkest day
but she worked so hard and together we are getting so much healthier and happier 
I wanna thank her for everything she did to me 

I was terrified from this day 
I stayed clean for 155 days bh
my therapist helped me a lot 
and with hashems help I reached milestones I didn’t ever had bh

Just one problem I had 
Something called SMARTPHONE 
and with this in my pocket 
Life was miserable 
even if I was clean bh
I will say it again 
with this in my pocket my life was miserable!!!

Hashem gave us  a really hard nisoen
I know brothers and sisters its tough 
But as ppl here in this family 
I want to share my two cents 
my experience 

ITS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!

Throw it away please 
your life will start shining 
I know that’s not the solution 
but with this all the hard work you do to be healthy you are just making it impossible 

And because of this my story is not finished yet and on day 155 after all what happened to me before after all I promised all I committed all I worked all I cried to hashem 
I had a fall

Wow, your feeling, pain, emotion, are all super evident in your post….

So powerful….

​We’re looking forward to seeing the rest…. Are you in touch with a GYE accountability partner? Hashem Help Me (michelgelner@gmail.com) has helped hundreds, me included. Reaching out to him is a life changer…..

Muttel

For some reason second half didn’t came up in my post so I wrote it again 

After that fall my wife reaction was double from last time  and I didn’t had much to tell her 

I was so lost  We both cried and we were lost 

During the period I was clean that 155 days  I signed up here on GYE I got many feedback that HHM can help  I contacted via email but I couldn’t call him  I had shame from years and it was impossible for me

that night I decided that’s my only way  I asked my wife before you leave me please give me a chance to call someone  she agreed bh

I don’t know what HHM told her but this guy changed my life  I gave up my phone that day and started to work with him and bh bh
The impossible became possible  and bh now I am 158 days clean and I’m growing each day  instead of all these years I dropped each day

there is so much more to say here but maybe In future posts 

I just wanna take a moment to talk to to you my dear brothers over here I know that feeling of  It’s impossible  Its the hardest thing ever It’s never gonna stop
Please listen to me 
I promise there is a way out 
Hashem created this nisoen
He knows how it feels too and he is watching you and he is ready to give you strength to fight 
There is a way out 
We can help you 
Throw your phone in garbage and start living this world erlich and peaceful  It can be your reality soon I will do whatever I can to help you  there are many other ppl here that can Just don’t give up 
the good days are right in front of you 
This is very tough business 
But with Hashem help this can be history  you are not alone and you will be healthy and happy very soon 
sorry for long posts 
I hope you can learn from it
For me it was a therapy session 
Reach out to if you want at NH95.GYE@gmail.com
A blessed Chanukah

Wow, this deserves a second response.

the דברים היוצאים מן הלב are very recognizable in your writing..... you should be gebentched with everything....

Muttel

Unbelievable! To be able to come to the הכרה, that for us lusters (really for everyone, but that's a different discussion) a smartphone is poison, and to act on it, is גבורת הנפש to the highest degree. You're an inspiration to so many of us, that it's possible to free yourself, even after many years of struggling. Keep on doing what your doing, and please keep on posting!

Wow! Al hanissim v'al haniflaos. 

Thank you for sharing your story. May you go from strength to strength.

164 days now bh

I mentioned before but had a fall afterwards 
So had more important things on my mind

In the past years I got used to go sleep in the morning and wake up at night 
That was literally my schedule 

since I started working I have no choice I wake up last minute runnnn to work 
And it’s over two years and almost didn’t daven shachris 
I need to figure out how to be up everyday on time and daven 
I feel miserable not davening
My father is giving and giving 
And I couldn’t care less

Feel so stupid 
but tried million times 
and nothing changed besides me getting more upset 

That has to change right now 
I am writing now this post 
And we need to figure this out 
Can anyone relate?