Muttel wrote on 17 May 2024 13:55:

A legend in the making! You're gonna go very far here.

davidt wrote on 17 May 2024 15:31:

He is in the center of everything.

Seems like you've made yourself some good friends.

Welcome! Keep rocking!

R Muttel, 

I am coming late to the party here on this  powerful thread, but I need to jump in with a warm hand of encouragement. 

Your determination is evident in the way you have jumped right in, and taken the incredibly difficult initial steps of reaching out and making contact with people, to discover a path forward. You WILL find it, with Siyata Dishmaya. 

To me, GYE means hope. 
Breaking free forever is possible. 
Finding yourself again, the sense of joy and strength inside - this can be. With Hashem’s help, it will be. 

And this is a community of some of the most real and striving, growing people that I have ever had the privilege of meeting, friends who are as true and full of light and hope as the big, blue spring sky… 

Take my hand, Muttel, you’ll make it ! 

מאן דבעי חיים 

chaimoigen wrote on 20 May 2024 04:15:

R’ CO,

Yes, your hand I will take!
Cow webs of the yetzer I will shake,
With clarity of vision 
Im a man on a mission,
To take back lofty plateaus 
I’ve discovered they’re still there now I know!
What I thought was out of my reach,
Would I ever purity be able to preach,
Without the crushing guilt 
That the last 3 1/2 years of struggle’s built,
I once soared high 
In the spiritual sky,
Intensely focused on holiness
Forgetting about this craziness,
Yet, yet, there were some weeds and roots,
Of youthful innocence shattered - festering - not moot,
Reared their ugly head during a time of fragility,
The yetzer showed his stubborn ability,
To bring me down from the clouds
The dangerous poison in beauty he shrouds,
Always aiming for the immediate pleasure,
And doing his best that we should forget the great rule of “measure for measure”

Now at GYE I see it’s possible 
To regain the madreigos 
And truly achieve lasting holiness,
With you holding my hand,
Supporting and helping me stand,
Leaning on the accomplishments of the veterans,
Those that with Midas HaKedusha have made massive in’s.

I will follow your lead 
Beat the villian and pile on the good deeds,
To shine the light on his angst
See what garbage were really against,
Return to those lofty heights 
And once again be in great spiritual flights,
Though this time digging out the roots 
Staying ever vigilant to boot -
Together we should be zoche to see
Our prayers answered and purity,
Head towards the Awesome days 
With hearts light and clean - no freight of decay-
Amen!

Muttel

Ah! Welcome! 

As I reach my two week mark tomorrow - with an afternoon that was more difficult than expected with tension from urges created by a Yetzer Horah nervous he’s losing an easy customer; I’d like to share a point that hit me like a bolt a little while ago. I’d love to hear the perspective of others here. 

I was rethinking my porn experience over the last 3 1/2 years that I’ve struggled (after a 12 year hiatus- see my opening post to this thread) and tried to calculate the a) number of times I’ve watched and b) the amount of hours. Over 3 1/2 years I’ve viewed porn between 60&80 times for a total of around 80 hours. While that is waaaaaaay too much- it becomes apparent that I’ve many “clean from porn” days over these years. In fact, because my porn viewing came primarily in clusters, I’d say there were months of clean time. 

However, none of those days,weeks, or months came close to what I’ve experienced over the last 13 days. 

I’d painfully categorize them as “the days, weeks, and months between porn falls. They weren’t clean!!! At best they were white knuckle days, but I never worked to change my insides, my views, my tools to fight……

I now feel the light of these 13 days, though small in number, great in fighting spirit. Though this afternoon was tough, I didn’t for a second feel I’d fall. Because, I’m fighting these days for cleanliness! I should add that I’m on a regimen from HHM (Heaven bless him) where I’ve stayed clean from doing anything or going anywhere that could trigger me. That complements the work I’m putting in with other angels here to change my insides….

In other words, regardless of what happens tomorrow, today is joyfully bringing me to what I am and want to be, difficult as it may be. 

if I ch”v we’re to ever fall, that’s a separate story - but doesn’t detract from the fact that these clean days are mine!

to feel this is so deliciously delicious……

Muttel

I'm posting something here that is intensely private (duh, isn't everything?? still...), but am doing so because of the tremendous ripple effects on others it is sure to have.

I'm on HHM's 30 day accountability program. As a step to rewiring my outlook towards intimacy, I followed R' HHM's instructions and conveyed the following to my wife: Sex is about celebrating our relationship and connecting - not a means to satisfy my urges (sounds simple- right?). As a result - henceforth, we will only engage in behavior you enjoy at a time you desire, and my benefits come from your enjoying our intimacy (this a truncated incomplete version). My wife's response was " I only do what I enjoy and everything's great in the bedroom" (paraphrased). 

That night was magical. She requested we be together - and the experience was unlike anything I've had. The mutual enjoyment was beyond anything we've had (avoiding detail lest i trigger someone) and the key was that after we finished I experienced a feeling of closeness where i didnt want to leave from being beside her. This is crucial, because i always felt "done" and ready to separate after intimacy much as animals separate immediately after mating....

I post this so everyone can benefit from HHM's talk and instruction. Please reach out to him, you will gain immensely from it!!!!

Feel free to PM me for more detail on how the experience differed from my earlier experiences in the bedroom, but PM HHM to get the shmooz and benefit!!

Muttel

Hi,

I just want to post that I had a great shmooz with Cande today. I must say - he's got some great points that really don't come out in his writing.

Just sayin'

Muttel

Ah gutten erev shabbos chevra!

im looking for some help/input from the olam.
im still starting out here, on day 16 - having successfully been vigilant in all looking, super thankful to hashem for all his help in making this a possibility.

however, I went to the grocery store today and felt a humongous tug to look!! Stronger than even when I was falling daily…. Every woman’s chest said “dirshooni” if you know what I mean….. I was able to evade looking but the pull was massive.

any suggestions? I know I should be thankful and look at it as the opportunity that it is for growth, but was t expecting it to be this strong….

I remain,
Muttel

Muttel wrote on 24 May 2024 21:20:

A gutten erev Shabbos heilige Yid!
You are very impressive!

Personally, I have a few tricks to prepare and/or help when in a place of harder nisyonos. 
Have a picture of your Rebbi, a gadol, your wife & kids, or whomever motivates you. Look at it before and/or after feeling the tugs. Sometimes it's in my pocket and I just need to put a hand over it and picture it in my mind. 
Additional, I will say out loud (quietly if people are nearby) a motivating phrase, such as shivisi Hashem lnegdi samid. Repeat as many times as needed until the nisayon passes. I do this a lot while walking outdoors and women are around.

Hatzlacha
oh, and keep trucking!

Hi reb Muttel, im just catching up on your thread.

im inspired by your determination and progress. ashrecha!

Do you read the Battle of the generation?

The goal is to be excited and thankful to have the opportunity of this challenge. Be happy, that you have eyes, that you have a brain, working hormones, that Hashem created beautiful people in this world, that Hashem gave you an opportunity to overcome the Yetzer hara etc.

As opposed to a victim mentality, why do I have a taayva, why do these ppl dress like this etc.

And also try to have something else to focus on. And/or take off your glasses.
Hatzlacha 

When I am in a similar situation I try to get away from that area. For example I am going to the frozen goods and there's an attractive women in front of me I go to a different aisle so I am not in the situation anymore.
Or I was walking to shul and 2 women cross the street and are now in front of me so even though the shul is on that side I crossed the street so I couldn't look.
Sometimes it's not what do I do in this situation but rather avoiding the situations all together.
Of course this is easier said than done

Keep on trucking and even tip towing bc any progress is progress.
Hatzlacha!

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses, they’re much appreciated. Having friends like the ones here makes all the difference in the world. 
a special thank you to vehkam that texted me Friday and gave me the tool similar to frank.lee and suggested i daven for something every time I succeed in not looking. It’s been great since.

also a shout out to chaimoigen and eerie who called me Friday and gave such warm chizuk. 

it really provided me with a great boost going into shabbos. My determination is iron clad and Im looking forward to making it to my first goal of 30 days in 13 days!

On one hand it feels like I’ve been here forever, but on the other hand it’s only been 17 days….

ah gutte voch!!
I remain,
Muttel

As long as you’re remaining Reb Muttel, is gutt 

I don’t think I’ve formally welcomed you yet, nice to have you here! Your life story, and the way you went in here full throttle is an inspiration!

Keep on Burning! (Lag B’omer vibes)

-YKW