I dont even know where to start, but I am so confused.
I decided for Pesach, Zman Cheirusainu, that i would free myself from movies. Which meant addding extra filter to those certain apps. But now im struggling with the things that i wasnt struggling with before, SSA P.M or even music. Meaning that i thought i had overcome, not fully but defiantly was less. Im just so frusturated and not sure what to do. I feel like a failure and I realize that everytime I try to be better in one area i just tumble in another and its a vicious never ending cycle that im just overwhemeled by it.
I could be good for a couple days and then just tumble.
I could be on the wrong forum, wasnt totally sure how to use it.

Welcome Trying1989!

You are in the right place! The struggle is real but here you have multiple tools which can help you break out of this vicious cycle.

Can you share a bit more of your background and struggles? (Without giving away your actual identity, of course)

trying1989 wrote on 26 Apr 2024 06:28:

Hey! You came to the right place that's for sure.
I, and everyone else here, can completely identify with the feeling of being caught in a "vicious never ending cycle".
Stick around, do the F2F Program and take a crack at reading the handbook and TBOTG.
This is the place to be for shattering vicious cycles.

Welcome to the GYE community. You posted in the right place. You wrote that you just put in a filter but since then you have new struggles of SSA, P&M and music. Did these new struggles just start this week for the first time? Without going into the little details that might be triggering, what have you been struggling with until today other than watching regular movies that brought you to GYE? There are many people on GYE who struggle or have struggled with the same things you are struggling with and you are not alone.

Don't be heartbroken that you didn't break free after 20 days on GYE. Freedom is a process and there is a lot to learn. As chooseurname wrote, I suggest that you do the Flight to Freedom program and regularly read The Battle of the Generation. Many of us have broken free and with work and education you will eventually be a free man. Read through some threads and make friends. Keep on posting and sharing and keep on trucking.

Thank you so much for all your support.
I started Flight to Freedom a while back but i have a hard time being real and sometimes just get lazy doing the work. I decide that i can do it without it and end up coming back to the same spot all over again. I have a very hard time sharing these struggles.
but i think i need someone that i can do the worksheets and just discuss things with. to figure things out and just push me a little to work harder. is that something that people do or i am alone?
I truly see the damage and the effects that P&M has had on my life. Much more anxiety and lack patience and other social things. 
I even see that my focus has gone down. i dont enjoy reading as much.
Is it just me or the forums are a little complicating? 

trying1989 wrote on 01 Jul 2024 02:34:

Shalom Trying.
I'm sure someone here would love to discuss Flight to Freedom with you. Tell us a little more about yourself so we can get to know you and you can make some connections. I understand that our struggles are hard to discuss, but this platform is anonymous and filled with people who have been there and know what it's about all too well. 

As far as your patience and focus taking a hit, I'd guess that that is a side effect of any go-to stimulation/distraction that we overutilize - ie the internet.

Hatzlacha and IYH looking forward to getting to know you.

trying1989 wrote on 01 Jul 2024 02:34:

You're definitely not alone brother. 
You can try connecting with a partner to work the F2F program through the official GYE partner program. Or hopefully one of the chevra here who sees your post will volunteer to work with you. (Feel free to pm me for my number, though idk if I can be much help.)

Never give up. It's important you're acknowledging the pain of porn and masturbation abuse. That itself is the most powerful motivator to do the work necessary to get clean.

Hatzlacha! 

Thank you guys for all the responses and positive outlooks. 
Here we are back at the same crossroads. So i was very good the whole week before Rosh Hashana no P or M. I was very careful and tried to keep myself busy not to fall and get bored and stuff. During davening on Rosh Hashana things popped into my mind and I used some tatics that i have learned from GYE. B"H i was able to overcome that part, not going to lie it was very uncomfortable talking to Hashem how I am going to be better and i want to better and things would pop into my head, but thats for another time. BUT shabbos was the hard part. Just being after the Rosh Hashana I was trying to destress myself and untense myself, thats how i get on Rosh Hashana. So Friday night when i was trying to fall asleep, of course on Rosh Hashana your so tired but dont want to sleep but when you can sleep it wasnt coming to me. All the things that i was holding back and i thought were pushed away came flooding back. Tried to stop myself with some methods but nothing worked. I fell to M!!!! I was so frustraded! it was lterally a night after i was davening for my life and i already messed up. I honestly was hoping that i could stay clean till at least MYK. Even worse then that, now I'm in a downward spiral!!! Not real P, but things that get me going! like why and how!!! I fell a 3 more times on shabbos and i even started Sunday saying i have a clean slate and what happened the day before doesnt matter but later in the day it was as if i didnt even say that!!!! 
How am i supposed to get back up? Do i even stand a chance of getting Teshuva if i messed up already?! 

On a more positive note, I love the new GYE daily update/ I still dont fully know how to use it and kinda wish there was like a deadline and someone/thing checking in or helping you fill it out. Maybe the videos are harder for me. (or im just making excuses)

THank you all for being there for everyone and me!!!!
Have an uplifting and meaningful week!!!

Gut wrenching

Have you spoken to HHM (michelgelner@gmail.com)? He was the catalyst for my breaking free and bezh can help you too….

With best wishes for your sustained success,
Muttel

trying1989 wrote on 07 Oct 2024 04:00:


my dear friend!

You are not responsible for having a Yetzer Hara any more than you are responsible for having eyes. There's no reason to feel guilty at all. 
Rabbi Orlowik would always say that guilt is a tactic of the Yetzer Hara. It's much easier for him to get you to sin by making you feel guilty. Just think of how many times you fall when you are guilty and how much easier it is to fall when you are guilty. 
I would love to shmooze but I cant because I can't PM yet. 
I don't have any big things to tell you but I can sympathize with you 100%. I myself have struggled immensely for 25 years with M. 
Let's talk and give each other chizzuk. You can ask the mods if there is a way to be in touch with me. 
Looking forward to shmoozing. 
All the best.