Baruch Hashem the initial changes in my life have started.
That other day when I was feeling anxious I decided to blast music in my ears and get things started, after that I listened to a talk in Dovs audio library which helped me focus myself.
         Unfortunately the changes in my life put me in a way less snious environment but that's to be expected once leaving yeshiva and would have happened eventually bc I am not the type to learn in kollel. B'H I have gathered tools from GYE and reinforced myself before leaving in order to overcome the increased exposure.
        It's an amazing feeling of being out in the world, walking down the street and taking control of the moment as much as possible.     
       One Day At A Time on the path to a better me each day, to having control of my thoughts, shmiras einayim, and not objectifying women in order to treat them as humans.

A Wet Dream:

      Last night I recall waking up in the middle of the night to notice I was emitting zera(semen). I am not counting this as a fall bc I woke up and fell back asleep without doing anything to provoke this incident. 
     You may disagree with this but I don't believe I had any control over what happened. It was my subconscious acting up again after many months. I cant control my subconscious, I can only try to influence my consious in order so that my subconscious is less "tainted".
      I believe that I am currently doing everything in my power to stay clean with shmiras einayim and not masturbating/fantasizing. This is all I can do. I can't control yesterday, I can't control tomorrow, and I can't control my subconscious.  
    ODAAT- One Day At A Time 
   Thank you for reading and please let me know if my outlook on this "incident" is incorrect and how I should perhaps do better to control my subconscious if that is even possible instantaneously. Bc from my experience it takes time and nobody is perfect!!
       

If one was not lusting heavily during the day, then a wet dream is completely not his fault.

In addition, guys who are breaking free often experience wet dreams as a result of their subconscious desperately wanting the "fix" it used to be provided with on a regular basis. So actually, it is good news when one has a wet dream "out of the blue". It is basically the subconscious' way of letting you know that it realizes that you have consciously decided to stop for real.

And don't worry - eventually the subconscious is "nichna" to the conscious mind and these wet dreams will iyh diminish greatly and possibly stop completely. Continued hatzlocha buddy!

      Feeling tiered, drained, and kinda lonely right now. Hope that a good night sleep rejuvinates me for the week.
     I have kept up my shmiras einayim, but i can tell that my brain just wants to stop for a second and just look wherever whenever and not even just for lusts sake but just to not have to be in control for a second bc I'm exhausted.

I love how much I have accomplished so I won't just let myself do the wrong thing but that doesn't stop the thoughts from saying it's hard to keep going.

     I cant wait to be ready for shidduchim and find my basheret so i dont have to feel as lonely. I know its not a cure all but its better than being surrounded by people that are moving on, or already have families. Regardless, I'm not ready for that yet for a multitude of reasons, and for once in my life I think that I have made enough progress in shmiras einayim amd shmiras habris to say that this is not one of the reasons I wouldn't allow myself to start shidduchim. Ppl will argue that this nisoyon isn't nesicarily a reason to not date, but I would argue that for me personally I would not have been comfortable starting a relationship while having a 2nd hidden life.

Thank you for reading my ramblings,

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

jewizard21 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 01:34:

Hope you are feeling better after a good night's sleep! Loved this post, especially the bolded sentiment. Keep on crushing it!

And getting married is not a cure all but it is a fantastic cure for loneliness - if you put in the work. Someone wise actually once told me as kind of a self-diagnosis for starting shidduchim is to ask yourself if you feel lonely even when you're with the guys. Take it or leave it.

Thank you

jewizard21 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 01:34:

Being lonely is definitely one of the signs that one should look to get married. That being said, one who is still actively viewing pornography cannot start shiduchim unless he plans on telling the girl he is meeting that he has this challenge (which will scare away the vast majority of girls). You wrote correctly that one should not be comfortable starting a relationship while having a 2nd hidden life. That is true - and is true about many challenges a fellow may have (drugs, alcohol, serious health or emotional issues, etc.). Regarding this particular subject there is an added major point - this hidden life is a direct threat to a girl. Almost all women consider pornography viewing as being cheated on and betrayed - to the extent that many of them do not differentiate between computer viewing and live viewing or actual znus. So yes, you are wise to have waited until now. In addition, it is extremely important to discuss during the dating process your dreams for having a safe and nurturing home for your future children and yourself - where the technology challenge is dealt with seriously and responsibly - understanding that "in my future home my dream is to do whatever it takes that my home be protected, geshmak, and healthy. I do not view this as fanaticism - it is basic kashrus and common sense".

       I am aware of all of these points and I hope that those that are not take these points seriously.     
     I am very fortunate to not have watched porn since last November 25th due to a filter and proper shmira. I have also not masturbated since April 15th with ODAAT- One Day At A Time. 
     Even though it's been many months and will bezras Hashem be many more when I start dating, I am still considering telling the one I believe will be my wife. Of course this is a delicate topic and must be evaluated case by case but I believe that a true intimate relationship cannot exist if I am keeping this a secret.   
    What scares me is both the fact that she may tell others and the point you made that it will scare off many girls. 
    I will definitely have to discuss this more when it is actually relevant for me and will discuss this with a Rav I trust in these matters, and Dov if he's available.     
   But for now the main reasons I cannot start is more due to parnasa which I am in the process of securing. If being lonely was the only indicator that I should start dating then I could have started a few years ago lol, but that's not the case.   

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!!

    What did you all daven about on Rosh Hashana? 
    I don't think I asked for a year of being clean. I tried to focus on the meaning of the words which are focusing on Hashem and hoped through that I will have forgiveness through me being better that I was.
    This is the first time that I can look back and definitively say that I sinned less than last year. It's amazing. I feel as if that person that was watching porn and relying on the release of masturbation didn't really exist. Is this just me lying to myself, am I moving on?  I dont know what to say but Baruch Hashem I am in a much better place than last year and I cant wait to see how this next year will turn out with all the progress I have made.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Same same

I got to Rosh Hashanah over 30 days clean which is a huge achievement for me. 
I was able to concentrate a bit on actual RH stuff and not feel guilty like I usually do. 
I also find aseres yeme teshuva extremely difficult. I'm the past, I would stop for RH and then white knuckle a few days and never make it to YK. BH this year I feel I can do it. 

jewizard21 wrote on 06 Oct 2024 01:25:

A gut yur Brother,
לֵ֣ב טָ֖הוֹר בְּרָא־לִ֣י אֱלֹקִים וְר֥וּחַ נָ֜כ֗וֹן חַדֵּ֥שׁ בְּקִרְבִּֽי


Was thinking a lot about וְכָל הַחוֹשְׁבִים עָלַי רָעָה
Besides the YH, no one is really plotting evil against me . . . except sometimes (usually?) me. How often am I the one getting in my own way? I davened for clarity in making my life choices and decisions. 

Also
שֶׁהֵם מִשְׁתַּחֲוִים לָהֶֽבֶל וָרִיק
What vain and empty things in my life am I ascribing great value to? Can I stop worshiping my own ego?

We will continue saying this whole week: למענך אלקים חיים. For Your sake. But the level of לשמה is so far beyond me. I need ulterior motives - and that is ok, but don't lose sight of the objective. Don't forget that this isn't really about me and what I want. Correcting my behaviors is a step in the teshuva process, not the end. The goal is a relationship with the Ribono Shel Olam. Literally returning to Him. All the things that I want and my life, even the best and most holy things, if it's all about me, then I'm really missing the boat. Hashem please help me that the things that I'm doing and trying to do should ultimately be for the sake of bringing me closer to You. 


Gmar ch'sima tova to you and everyone

odyossefchai wrote on 06 Oct 2024 04:36:

I'm in a similar boat.

It's interesting though. I feel like I was lacking a certain fear-fueled intensity in my Rosh Hashana davening this year that is usually present. I guess starting to feel like G-d is not going to put me down like a rabid dog for masturbating and that it's actually possible to change isn't great for motivation?
(v'ayin Dov's nuclear reset button post.)

   I had a great but exhausting Yom Tov. One thing though is that I have married family and friends which are also in town for Yom Tov which I'm very happy for but it's a constant reminder that I am single. Now I have to return to my lonely single life and I won't be starting shidduchim any time soon.         

   How do you all deal with loneliness? I'm trying to tell myself that I'm working on myself to be the best husband I can be (working on myself in this area and others) but that doesn't chase the feeling that I'm wasting time when I could be with my wife. I'm 22 but have been feeling the distinct loneliness of missing my other half for a few years.

   There's also the parnasa part which is a work in progress.



    On another note, an unexpected guest showed up to a meal that was definitely not tznius. I did not look in her direction except to make eye contact and say hello. I asked Hashem to please make it a bit colder outside so that she would put a sweater on in the succah and BH that's exactly what happened.

   Also by Simcha Torah I made a consious effort to not look at the women section even if it's "just to see if my family arrived yet". I wasn't perfect but definitely only glanced for a second and did not linger.



Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Just a general update. Im at over 200 days according to the GYE counter. I don't pay attention bc I take it One Day At A Time and clean streaks don't matter only overall cleanliness. 
    Life feels more free and manageable than with Porn or Masturbation. BH its going well and Im working on everyday shmiras einayim. 
Remember Porn and Masturbation are not the solution to our problems, in the end they make the stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc.. worse.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

    Something I wanna run by you all. I find it that now if I look at a glance at a woman that it's no longer full of lust but, I don't know how to explain it but it feels more kosher than ever before.
    Of course this is only a glance and not a lingering or 2nd glance but since I feel this way my brain tries to tell me that it is OK to glance again.
    I guess if I were to explain it, it's a feeling of longing and searching. I see a person and don't objectify her.
    I need to talk to a rav about this but I wanna get married but don't think that it's responsible to start shidduchim with no parnasa secured and not to mention that I don't have enough time to go on dates. The biggest counter to those arguments is that I feel like I am missing out on time that I could be with my wife.Sorry for my ramblings, it's been and will be a tough week and I'm exhausted

(Also on a side note, was there a thread that got removed recently? I remember commenting on it this morning and thinking "idk why this is on the single forum?")


Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!