I don't know where to begin and my hands are kind of trembling while typing this but I guess I just have to start.

I am 21 and my problems with P&M since 12. I think I had urges and fantasies from around age 5 or 6 even though I didn't know what it was or what I was doing. 
      I got a hold of a tablet for playing games and watching YouTube. Then one day I looked up pictures. 
     I remember shaking and needing to stando up and walk around, I believe I was in shock, but then I went right back and started looking. I eventually started loooking at videos. (I wish I could travel back on time and slap myself in the face and break that tablet.)
    Already at age 13/14 I noticed what I was doing was wrong but didn't really care. What was it doing to me or anyone else. I also used M to fall asleep.
   I then started going to yeshiva. I didn't have access to P but I was thoroughly addicted to M aswell at the time and I would go home once a month and "restock" on P. I remember waiting to hear the snoring of my roomates so I could M. Others in my yeshiva also did P and M and talked as if it were normal. I thought to myself that I will stop when im a senior.
   In the summer of 10th grade I went to Israel. I was clean for 5 weeks. Up until then I was doing M atleast once a day. I then thought to myself once back from Israel that I could just wait till I went to bais medresh in Israel to be clean and ill do all the P and M I want till then.

A lot got cut out bc it was too long. I will re write it when I have time later

jewizard21 wrote on 21 Apr 2024 21:24:

I wish my original post didn't get cut off bc I don't know if it will be as accurate.

In 12th grade I actually was starting to get a hold of myself and asked my Rebbi about getting a filter on my tablet. He suggested I reach out to the local filter ppl in my community. I did talk to them and went back to yeshiva without a filter and then COVID HIT HARD!!
I was home for 6 months with constant access doig iit multiple times a day. I got into other forms of P and also as with everyone my interests got more violent and disturbing. I still had hope I would get better once going to Israel.
I went to Israel and unfortunately had my own room. I didn't have access to P but I was still heavily reliant and addicted to M.
During my first year I also unfortunately got a smartphone for bein hazmanim making my problems even worse. Starting my 2nd year I already was trying to stop. 
1st bc I noticed and was scared at how perverted and disturbing/disgusting my mind became.
2nd bc I knew that I would be starting shidduchim in the future and could never bring this into my marriage.

I had some clean streaks of a few days and even alost a full elul. But it was not enough. I remember falling of a bike on a trail needing stitches and scraped up my hands and the only other thing I was thinking besides the pain was "Thank You Hashem for making me unable to act out by giving me this injury".
I left iIsrael and had 24/6 access to P and M.

I will continue on another ppost so it ddoesn't get cut out again.
I still don't know how im doing this rn

I was in yeshiva/college and I had a roomate the was also addicted to M but he didn't know that I knew and I didn't confront him out of fear he would know about me too. 
this person actually kind of woke me up at how disgusting it was and was one of the reasons I started my journey to recovery. We have parted ways since.

Starting my 2nd year is when I actually started to control myself. I got to a point that I could control myself for a few days at a time and not act out on shabbos. 
I realized this wasnt gonna work without a filter on my phone. 
on November 25th 2023 I went to my rebbi and asked him about getting a filter. He pointed me helped my get one and also hinted about GYE. 
Within 15min of getting a filter I found my old tablet and looked for P. Halfway through I stopped and thought "what am I doing!?!".
I would like to say that I stopped after that but I didn't and I fell.
That was the last time I watched P.
I threw out my tablet a few days later
The next few weeks I didn't have P but I still had M. 
There was another Rebbi in my yeshiva that I attended his Vadim that would talk about subjects others considered taboo.
during one powerful one he spoke of a talmud that was worse off than me 100% that told the person he was dating. It broke off and he reacted by going off the D.
The Rebbi ended that shiur off with saying "If not for yourself do it for your future wife!" and I added to that "not only ur future wife but also your future children, your sons and your daughters"

That shabbos I thought long and hard if I should open up to this Rebbi and let him be the first person ever to know.

I decided it is the best thing to do.
That week after shachris on Jan 1st 2024 I aasked him for a meeting and he said he had time that night. I was the most terrified I had ever been in my life.
The time came and we met.
I told him but not in as much detail as this about my problem.
He pointed out that this is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. He was 100% right.
He was extremely.. idk how to describe it but i felt right about this meeting even though I was terrified.
He told me the most meaningful words I have ever heard.
"You will walk your children to the chupah because of this"
This meaning opening up to eevn one person
I almost cried
There's more detail to that meeting of course.
He reintroduced me to GYE and I watched the Videos and joined the whatsapp. 
I was clean for 108 days ( not including a wet dream)
that day that I fell I was under a ton of stress so I downloaded social media again thinking I can handle it.
I fell and cried while and after doing it. I took a picture of myself afterwards to remind myself what I am like afterward. 
that was last week. Since then I started reading the forums and it has helped a ton
this site is Amazing!!
Thank you so much to everyone that posts and thank you for reading!

You went through so much pain and suffering and it hurts but you reached the right place. It is amazing that you shared your story which is similar to so many others on the GYE forum. Many people like you have healed through GYE and you will eventually reach freedom. I suggest that you do the Flight to Freedom program, and regularly read the book The Battle of the Generation which many people on GYE are reading. Here is the link to the ebook: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation You can also buy a hard copy on Amazon. Vulnerability and honesty are necessary for healing. Keep on posting and sharing, make friends, and keep on trucking. Rooting for you.

Welcome dear Brother. You are very much in the right place . Most people here ( if not all, are very familiar with the feelings of despair you accurately portray. But the good news is that you can and will leave it all behind you & trade it in for feelings of joy and accomplishment.

The fact that you already had 100+ days shows how serious you are about changing and with Hashem's help there are many pairs of warm hands here that are going to help you get there ( as long as you stick around)

Hatzlocha!!

Welcome, Jewish Wizard!

Your story is so painful to read, you’ve been through so much.

We are so glad you’ve landed here, a place where so many people find hope and strength in dealing with these challenges. You are no longer alone.

Wizard or Muggle, this is a place where magic happens.

Hoping to hear more from you, as you move forward on this journey…

-Youknowwho 

hey jewish wizard, welcome to the forums! it's a great place.
your story as unique as it is, is in so many ways familiar, and i gotta say you have a lot of courage. the part about the guy who told his date hit hard.
keep up the good fight, wishing you much success

Wow! What a journey-what a fighter!! Welcome to the ranks, brother.
Having once been in the position of needing help but not knowing who to ask/reach out to (and so, so scared of doing so), the fact that you did voluntarily open up to someone who can help you is UNREAL. So hard to do, but so unbelievably beneficial once done. You've done one of the single best things you can do to help yourself already. Incredible.
Would also recommend (if nobody else has yet) reading "The Battle of The Generation" OR the similarly titled "The Battle of OUR Generation", both of which are fantastic.
Hatzlacha Rabba-never stop climbing!!

Wow what a story, and especially one that I can relate to. I also am around the same age and had an unfiltered device, and my rebbi directed my to GYE. I find it amazing that you made it 100+ days with only wet dreams! And when you were just getting started! I wish I could do the same...my longest streak has been 60+. What a Chizuk to us all!

If you are writing a long post you can copy it when you are done to your clipboard before posting and if you get logged out you can log back in and paste it. Make sure to copy something else afterwards so that if someone else uses your device and pastes your post won't get pasted.

Wow!!! What a hero! Not only are you going to break free, but in the future you're going to help others break free. You showed great courage by opening up and making yourself vulnerable to your Rebbe, and it seems like he is a very wise man. Ashrecha, for starting your journey before you get married, as it doesn't get any easier after marriage (common misconception by Bochurim). As your Rebbe said, the biggest favour you can do for yourself, for your future wife, and children is to get rid of this problem now. Hatzlacha on your journey, and don't be fazed if there are any bumps in the road. You got this!!!

amazing, only Hashem truly knows how hard it was for you

Thank you everyone!!

I dont know where to post this so I'll add it here.
One of my biggest fears is the question "Who would accept me and marry me?"

I have an extreme sense of longing for companionship and would love to get married but I am forcing myself to wait and overcome this nisoyon. I see couples and get jealous not of them specifically but of the ability to start dating and find that life long companion.
    I decided that I will almost 100% tell the person that I intend to marry about my nisoyon.
   This leads to my fear of Who would accept me?
  BH I have read the few posts about dating on this forum but I still think about it sometimes.
  I believe that Hashem has the one waiting for me so maybe I am being irrational about this fear. 
   Another problem about starting to date is that I dont have the means for a Parnasa yet. I am in college and will be done in about 2 and a half years. I hope the opportunity arisses that I can be over this nisoyon and start dating before graduation but I dont know how I would support a family.
  I cant wait to share the life of my basheret and pray they wont be horrified by me for what I have done.