A huge factor in overcoming lust is removing yourself from the area of temptation like a goyishe office. Probably the most amoral of places. They can’t even abide by the simplest of Shevah bnai noach

So yeah I do have a lot of guilt and shame for my past aveoros. I am always asking Hashem to forgive me for my past sins. One day at a time as they say. Thankfully alcohol abuse (not alcoholism thankfully) is no longer a huge problem since leaving the office environment   Goyim seriously drink and many are functioning alcoholic not just alcohol abusers  like myself .  But thank Gd I seem to have put that behind me , at least until the YH clobbers ne again when I am least expecting it. The YH is real and a palpable entity in my eyes. 

So overall things are much much better in my life regarding pritzsus and all that goes along with it and for this I thank hkbh every day that he made it possible for me to leave a goyishe office. But I still struggle.  This forum has already been very helpful in allaying some of my fears and I thank you all for your thoughtful and obviously heartfelt replies. 

youknowwho wrote on 11 Mar 2024 21:27:

Totally agree! The whole guilt thing sounds straight out of my YHs playbook.

Do you know the situations, thoughts and emotions that precede a fall? Likely, addressing them directly would be more effective than reciting Tehillim. Guilt and shame can be helpful if utilized correctly but harmful when used the wrong way. Feeling like a personal failure and labeling ourselves as sinners causes us to give up the fight and fall again. Realizing that we made a simple mistake, brushing off the dust, learning what led to the fall, adjusting our plan and taking responsibility so that we overcome our struggles will lead us to success.

How are you doing, buddy?

As someone in his 50s that struggled mightily with almost no success for over 40 years I can certainly empathize and sympathize with you.  I just recently celebrated one year clean so it is possible! Please feel free to reach out to me. Happy to talk with you. It is imperative that to speak with one of the wonderful mentors here. Also like many of us there is a vibe of yiush coming through.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to realize that this is one of the primary tools of the YH in this battle.

Hi, and here am I also in the late 40's. I am wondering wouldn't it be a good idea to make a separate group for 40+ struggling with nisyonos?!
Since the situation is pretty different than for youngsters I think it would be a great idea to create a seperate group or thread for people in their, 40's - 60's to share their experience, good ideas, bad ideas, chizuk etc. etc. I think it would help alot for our age group. Who wants to create a group/thread for that?!
Chevra let's go! 

Wellp I lasted through Elul and almost all of Tishri. I guess I should be proud and happy. But unfortunately this evening  acted out accessed porn and disrespected my bris. I knew it was coming.  My body was just tingling in “anticipation” for days. My yetzer hora just clobbered me. My fault, I was in an environment of the last two weeks where I was staring constantly at women. Tzniusly dressed women but beautiful to look at .  Just staring all the time walking down the street minding my own business supposedly. I just couldn’t stop staring at so many beautiful stop dead gorgeous women. Dressed in their finest for Yom tov, made up beautifully. Nails polished just gorgeous. Obviously my lustful looking led to my recent fall.  But I can’t stare at the ground all the time (I do try to look down when passing a woman walking the other way, but I just can’t stop looking. Anyways I am happy I lasted for two important months   I made a commitment before Elul to refrain during that month but it lasted through tishrei so I guess this is a good sign. As usual I will try to go to mikva asap and read the tikkun of Rav Nachman ztzal and that does help assuage some of my guilt and sadness at falling off the wagon. But give me some chisel brothers out there. I could use it right about now!

How are you celebrating your accomplishment?

Not celebrating.  Just living. Just trying to function. 

Shalom Brother,

Sorry to hear about your recent lapse. What a beautiful matana, showing Hashem what you really want (and don't want), and also proving to yourself what you are capable of.

You seem to know what's going on. You are able to stay clean for a while, but the pressure builds and then at some point your will to fight is lessened and eventually things collapse. The 3 circles which I'll briefly describe below could help you to avoid your weakness and build your strengths.

If you don't feel good about what you are doing, it will be difficult to keep doing it.

Have you considered getting a filter on your phone to help yourself to have less access?

Just because you are not staring at the floor 24/7 doesn't mean the other default is starting at the women. It helps to not look at all, but even if you do look, don't prolong and deliberately keep looking. You need a motivation that makes you feel good, and you can recall that during tough challenges to help mechazeik yourself. Have you read The Battle of the Generation? Have you read any of the shemiras einayim handbooks that routinely make their way into shuls a few times a year (Enlighten Our Eyes, Positive Vision, Windows of the Soul)? Reading a few pages every morning can help recalibrate your position and set a healthy tone for the day.

Try being in touch with the holy chevra here more often - even and perhaps especially when times are good. Stay connected.

You might benefit from checking out the Three Circles Freedom Plan (available on GYE)
The gist is that you have:
Red circle behaviors - lines you do not want to ever cross
Yellow circle behaviors - not the worst but still negative and often leads to the red circle
Green circle behaviors - these make you feel good about yourself.

For you, staring at women seems like a yellow circle that led to the red circle, and this makes it a behavior that you should be cautious to avoid.

Take some time to contemplate what is in your green circle, and try to increase these behaviors to feel good about yourself.
Rewards are important and you should set up some incentives to strengthen your commitments and celebrate your success.

Looking forward to IYH seeing you here more often, posting about your continued progress. Almost 2 whole months and you can do that again and more. Today is almost two whole months +1 more day.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov!

Beautiful thoughts and words. I will beli neder fry to take on some of your excellenct suggestions.  Good Shabbos my holy brother! 

Installed a porn filter today on my iPhone. Hooray!!!!!

Wow! Good for you and that is such an amazing step to recovery. I can totally relate how hard it can be to take such a step because your cutting out any outlet you had in the past. But you did it anyway! Keep trucking and keep us posted.