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TOPIC: Lost 575 Views

Lost 07 Jan 2024 15:53 #406547

Hello, 

My name is ****** I'm 30 years old and I have a few questions. 

I've been pleasuring myself as long as I can remember myself, from a very young age...I didn't know it was wrong untill I turned 13, since then I tried stopping and I was unsuccessful, so I always tought I will stop automatically when I get married, I'm now married for 7 years with 3 beautiful kids and until 7 months ago I was doing it on a regular basis. 

7 months ago I hit a new rock bottom that I never knew existed, but since then I haven't watched p*rn and haven't pleasured myself while awake, but..... 

I've noticed that since the day I reached my bottom, I have no real desire to watch or do anything wrong, some minor flare ups that I'm able to sqwash easily, and I ajbe found myself waking up with ז''ל As well. 

I have 2 questions. 

1. What's happening to me? Why don't I have any desire anymore to it? Am I past the point of deserving a בחירה? 

2. Is doing it while asleep called doing it? What can I do to stop it? 

Please someone help me

Thank you 

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 18:15 #406552

  • true_self
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Welcome!

When reading your post I was reminded of what I read in HashemHelpMe's recovery guide a few month ago, so I'll quote it and maybe it can answer some of your questions and give you some clarity about your concerns regarding wet dreams (I understood  what you wrote 'doing it while asleep' as referring to 'wet dreams', I hope I understood you correct).

How to deal with wet dreams
The gemara tells us that if someone was lusting during the day, he is responsible for the wet dream while sleeping. Watching a movie with immodest images, besides being assur, will very often cause wet dreams. I am sorry if what i wrote is blunt, but fact is fact.
Any guy who comes to GYE and actually posts, is obviously serious about becoming clean; so you are obviously committed to doing the right thing. Do yourself a big favor now (do not push it off like many guys do). Decide that when Hashem instructed us V'lo sassuru acharei eineichem He was not instructing us to only not watch hard core pornography; He meant anything inappropriate. In addition, anyone here can tell you, that the worst thing a guy who is trying to break free can do, is watch a movie with a suggestive scene. Being that a big part of getting clean is rewiring our brains, watching a scene that objectifies women - which in essence dehumanizes those mothers, daughters, wives, etc. to the status of mens' toys of pleasure, sends the brain right back to it's former sick status.
However, very often, guys who are staying clean do experience wet dreams "out of the blue". this is expected and normal, due to the subconscious mind's "thirst" for this pleasure that one has BH stopped providing it with. If one is not lusting during the day, and doing what it takes to stay clean, and even so has a wet dream, he should not worry one bit. In fact he can congratulate himself that his subconscious has "realized" that he stopped these bad behaviors. The good news is that eventually, the wet dreams subside.
Wet dreams that come unprovoked (without lusting during the previous day) should be completely ignored. They are an expected subconscious experience due to past habits and will iyh eventually diminish. Just keep on moving forward and do not pay any attention to them. An unprovoked wet dream is a good sign. Your subconscious mind is getting the message that consciously you are not doing this stuff any more. Yes, it may be unpleasant, but the good news is that eventually they recede too as you rewire your brain.


P.S. What do you mean by 'doing "it" on a regular basis'? Is it Masturbating/Watching pornography/Lusting...

Please keep us posted.

All the best.
True self

My thread: From two identities to True self

If you want to reachout to me to talk please email: wish2banonym@gmail.com

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 18:27 #406553

Hi, 

Thank you for the fast response, yes by saying  ''it" I meant what you wrote. 

The piece you quoted is exactly what I was looking for, for question 2 so thank you. 

It worth mentioning that in addition to not watching porn I also started (7 months ago) really consetrating when I'm on the street to "guard my eyes" and that might be what's helped me. But... 

I still have Instagram and I scroll past anything that might make me go back in that direction, but I'm aware that I sometimes can't scroll away and that there is a huge pit that I can fall in to. 

I hope and pray every day that I find a hobby or something I can do instead of scrolling Instagram in my spare time, I've tried and it it's extremely difficult as I don't have any hobbies or anything else to do. 

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 18:48 #406557

  • foolie
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Read a book or a buy an aquarium
I will give battle Sir- General George Meade (Army of the Potomac)
Nuts!- General Anthony McAuliffe (101st Airborne)
Lets Get Dangerous! - Darkwing Duck
You’ll need to raise the ante and negotiate- Rechnitzer Rejects
I'm fresh out of essential truths- Spock
Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person - David Rossi
Last Edit: 07 Jan 2024 18:50 by foolie.

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 19:04 #406560

  • true_self
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cryingforhelp wrote on 07 Jan 2024 18:27:
Hi, 

Thank you for the fast response, yes by saying  ''it" I meant what you wrote. 

The piece you quoted is exactly what I was looking for, for question 2 so thank you. 

It worth mentioning that in addition to not watching porn I also started (7 months ago) really consetrating when I'm on the street to "guard my eyes" and that might be what's helped me. But... 

I still have Instagram and I scroll past anything that might make me go back in that direction, but I'm aware that I sometimes can't scroll away and that there is a huge pit that I can fall in to. 

I hope and pray every day that I find a hobby or something I can do instead of scrolling Instagram in my spare time, I've tried and it it's extremely difficult as I don't have any hobbies or anything else to do. 

So now that I teached you those words you can stat using them free of charge and btw they do no harm.

May I ask why you have Instagram? do you need it?

I doubt you have no hobbies albeit Instagram might be easier to comfort yourself with and it may also keep you from getting serious about finding what your hobbies are. In any case you might just need some help with figuring out what your hobbies are.

Anyway.... congrats on your huge progress, kol hakavod for working on yourself, keep on rocking!
My thread: From two identities to True self

If you want to reachout to me to talk please email: wish2banonym@gmail.com
Last Edit: 07 Jan 2024 19:06 by true_self.

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 19:57 #406566

  • redfaced
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foolie wrote on 07 Jan 2024 18:48:
Read a book or a buy an aquarium

African dwarf frog , anyone? 
May you slide down the banister of happiness and get many splinters of success up your career

Feel free to send me an owl, a howler, or even a Crumple-Horned Snorkack to Iamredfaced@gmail.com


The Red Face

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 20:05 #406568

  • cande
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cryingforhelp wrote on 07 Jan 2024 15:53:
Hello, 

My name is ****** I'm 30 years old and I have a few questions. 

I've been pleasuring myself as long as I can remember myself, from a very young age...I didn't know it was wrong untill I turned 13, since then I tried stopping and I was unsuccessful, so I always tought I will stop automatically when I get married, I'm now married for 7 years with 3 beautiful kids and until 7 months ago I was doing it on a regular basis. 

7 months ago I hit a new rock bottom that I never knew existed, but since then I haven't watched p*rn and haven't pleasured myself while awake, but..... 
I've noticed that since the day I reached my bottom, I have no real desire to watch or do anything wrong, some minor flare ups that I'm able to sqwash easily, and I ajbe found myself waking up with ז''ל As well. 

I have 2 questions. 

1. What's happening to me? Why don't I have any desire anymore to it? Am I past the point of deserving a בחירה? 

2. Is doing it while asleep called doing it? What can I do to stop it? 

Please someone help me

Thank you 

hit a new rock bottom, can you explain?

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 20:51 #406572

All I'll say is I did something I've tought about doing for a long time ans was initially able to be misgaber on, I don't think this is the place for detail... 

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 21:28 #406575

  • foolie
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cryingforhelp wrote on 07 Jan 2024 20:51:
All I'll say is I did something I've tought about doing for a long time ans was initially able to be misgaber on, I don't think this is the place for detail... 

did you get a tattoo? A piercing perhaps?
I will give battle Sir- General George Meade (Army of the Potomac)
Nuts!- General Anthony McAuliffe (101st Airborne)
Lets Get Dangerous! - Darkwing Duck
You’ll need to raise the ante and negotiate- Rechnitzer Rejects
I'm fresh out of essential truths- Spock
Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person - David Rossi

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 22:02 #406580

  • eerie
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Hey, welcome to the family! It sounds like you are in a pretty good place. Amazing that you fixed your behavior! So after you close/block instagram you'll be ready to graduate GYE, it seems:) Seriously, you sound like a wonderful person that we can learn from. Keep sharing!
Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 22:07 #406582

That's my main issue, because I don't have the constant desire to masturbate/watch I feel like I didn't do any work to get where I'm at, and it's killing me, maybe I'm dead inside or something, I almost want to have huge nisyones and see if I could stand by them. 

Any input is appreciated 

Thank you all

Re: Lost 07 Jan 2024 23:52 #406587

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cryingforhelp wrote on 07 Jan 2024 22:07:
That's my main issue, because I don't have the constant desire to masturbate/watch I feel like I didn't do any work to get where I'm at, and it's killing me, maybe I'm dead inside or something, I almost want to have huge nisyones and see if I could stand by them. 

Any input is appreciated 

Thank you all

You are doing a lot to stay clean. I have felt a lot of what you're feeling. And I really identify with your stopping cold turkey and not having any cheishek to go back there (I detail it a bit in my own thread). Trust me, it's good to have a diminished desire. Keep guarding your eyes on the street, and for God's sake get rid of Instagram! If you need to keep yourself busy on your phone, is there no topic that interests you? Please, think of things that interest you, indulge us, and share them here. 

And please, stick around here and keep sharing.

Re: Lost 08 Jan 2024 01:35 #406596

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Welcome! 
i also used to spend way too much time on Instagram, not specifically for pictures of girls, but mostly other interests of mine. But consider it like an alcoholic going to a bar for the cheap French fries... Yes it was a sacrifice to delete my account, and there's times i wish i didn't, but it was a huge step in the right direction. Check if there's a app for just one thing that you like to check out that can help, i have a app like that (no pictures of people, just products i like) it can help for when you feel the need for mindless scrolling. Obviously the best thing would be not doing that, but it can be a tough jump. Good luck
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm" - Winston Churchill

Curiosity kills the count

guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/401159-This-time-for-real?limit=15&start=15#401727


feel free to get in touch
ainshumyeiush@gmail.com 

Re: Lost 08 Jan 2024 17:21 #406624

  • siyatta
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Probably the desire went away because of having done something that deep down you know is very wrong (you're words were rock bottom, correct me if I'm wrong). It may have triggered strong feelings of failure and perhaps even a mini depression of sorts. It happens on a small scale every time a person fails with p&m. That's usually when we ask ourselves, how did this happen again???

I would think that the greatest matanah is the diminished nisayon for now, it's a chance to rewire the brain and get rid of old habits. I would be very weary of the desire coming back at any moment and to be vigilant to build up a strong defense in the meantime.

One thing they teach alcoholics (so I've learned from AA members that I learn with - I'm not claiming anyone here is an addict of course), is that they need to avoid any form of temptation. Even things that are ok for healthy people, ie a l'chaim etc, is terrible for someone plagued with this sickness. I try this tactic as well when trying to guard my eyes on the street etc, that I am sick and any of this is very unhealthy for me even if ok for a "healthy" person (although I question if anyone is really 'healthy' when it comes to desire).
Others here feel this way about instagram and I couldn't agree more. I know it's hard to get rid of something you spend so much time on, it's like a part of you. Try deleting the app for a short period of time such as a week and you'll see that you have never been happier!

Re: Lost 08 Jan 2024 17:48 #406627

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cryingforhelp wrote on 07 Jan 2024 15:53:
Hello, 

My name is ****** I'm 30 years old and I have a few questions. 

I've been pleasuring myself as long as I can remember myself, from a very young age...I didn't know it was wrong untill I turned 13, since then I tried stopping and I was unsuccessful, so I always tought I will stop automatically when I get married, I'm now married for 7 years with 3 beautiful kids and until 7 months ago I was doing it on a regular basis. 

7 months ago I hit a new rock bottom that I never knew existed, but since then I haven't watched p*rn and haven't pleasured myself while awake, but..... 

I've noticed that since the day I reached my bottom, I have no real desire to watch or do anything wrong, some minor flare ups that I'm able to sqwash easily, and I ajbe found myself waking up with ז''ל As well. 

I have 2 questions. 

1. What's happening to me? Why don't I have any desire anymore to it? Am I past the point of deserving a בחירה? 

2. Is doing it while asleep called doing it? What can I do to stop it? 

Please someone help me

Thank you 

Hi & welcome!
I'll try to answer your questions.

1. What's happening to me? Why don't I have any desire anymore to it? Am I past the point of deserving a בחירה? 
​What seems to be happening is due to your "rock bottom experience" your nekudas habechira has changed. 
A person always has בחירה as we discussed in other threads here on the forum. Every person has a nekudas habechira (a point or area of bechira) where he does experience conflict between the yeitzer hara and the yeitzer hatov. Some aveiros are below a person's nekudas habechira (i.e., currently not within the sphere of influence of the yeitzer hara) so that he would not even consider doing them.
Other aveiros are above the person's nekudas habechira so that he wouldn't consider not doing them. The battle is limited to the area where the power of the yeitzer hara and that of the yeitzer hatov are comparable (i.e., the nekudas habechira).

Take this opportunity to make the right fences / gedarim so that you can stay clean and not fall back to old bad desires... Don't become complacent; "I'm already in a good place, I don't need to be vigilant anymore". COMPLACENCY IS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR LAST CLEAN DAY. While this day can sometimes last a while, if we're complacent, it's just a matter of time before we get caught off guard.


2. Is doing it while asleep called doing it?
NO. 

What can I do to stop it?
Ignore it
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 08 Jan 2024 17:49 by davidt.
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