Hellooo, I'm a 25 and single let's just say life has been challenging I'm sure I'm not the only one, so let's start from when I was around 13 when my parents got divorced and I got exposed to p+m around 14/15 I finished school around 16 and went to israel when I was 17 I was smoking alot of weed, drinking and women etc fast forward a couple years went to the army for a year let's say that was a smack in the face for me, left the army went back to my old habits and to the point where I ended up in hospital in Har nof for a week and then in england for around a month and from there bh I made alot of progress with fitness and spirituality connecting to hashem on such unbelievable levels, like never in a million years would I have thought I would be where I am today bh I haven't smoked for around 5 years and been of the drinks for awhile so I manged to tag all my devices but there's just one device in my house which is not mine that isn't tagged which I keep falling every couple of months and I just don't know what to do I've just come out of a 3/4month streak why do I keep running back to this disgusting habit which makes feel horrible and guilty I just want to get rid of it once and for all I guess the yetzer hara knows my weak spots and keeps hitting me so hard at my weak spots I just don't know what to do I want to move on already and get married and build a family but it's just addiction that's blocking from doing that
i just want to reach high levels of kedusha and an unbreakable connection with the one above but this monster keeps coming and stopping my paths and it brings so much darkness what should i do, weeks after week all good, month after month, all good and this monster keeps coming back when will it stop how much do I have to do, what do I need to why are thease tests so difficult, there not made for me.... nice to meet you all 

Nice to meet you too!
It sounds like you've grown incredibly. So don't beat yourself up so hard, focus on your accomplishments!

if you can't beat the monster, ask Someone bigger to hit it with a stick. Try Hashem, He's quite large. Best of luck to ya

yehudam wrote on 27 Dec 2023 17:37:

Totally hear you. Its super frustrating. Yuve been through so much already and worked so hard! Every test you have IS specifically catered for your greatness. It is sometimes really, really tough for us to understand, but its true. Try the book the battle of the generation. Also, maybe try reaching out to the wonderful chevra here.

Welcome!
I'm sorry to hear about all the suffering you went through.
We can become better together, stick around, reach out and make some friends, there are many wonderful people here.

Good luck!
True_self

Are you still around? Disappeared after first post?

Yes still here

yehudam wrote on 27 Dec 2023 17:37:

...if you can't beat the monster, maybe switch tactics and get to know him. You might find that he's not a monster at all, just a frightened child seeking validation.

Wow powerful words thanks, how do I get to know him...