I've been trying to stop forever but it never lasted very long. It's almost like it's easy to maisiach daas from the problem when there is no urge but the minute the urge comes back it's c'maat impossible to withstand and then comes the guilt and everything that comes with the failure.
I'm trying to finish with this machala once and for all and I'm hoping that having a support system is part of the solution. I've read a bit about 12 step programs and I hear that they're very effective (at least for alcohol addiction) but I don't know if all the steps are necessary or if the ikar is just having the support of others and feeling like I'm not alone in this. My goal is to do one of these streaks but it seems unreasonable if i can't go a week.

Welcome! It seems like you would really gain from reading the battle of the generation. Also check out iwannalivereal‘s thread.

YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE!

BH bist "shoin do"! And b"siyata" dishmaya you can rid urself of it entirely!

I'm new here too, so can only say what worked for me. I reached out to great watchtowers here and they helped/help me realize a new perspective on the struggle and in life in general! scoop around, make urself comfortable and then REACH OUT! 

I shterred in the beginning, but when I realized how seriously these angels wish to help, I shterred no longer. I made some great friends through chats, calls and texting. 

Writing on your thread might be truly relieving as well, to receive support and comments along your journey!

Hold on tight! It'll be a great ride! We CAN do it, TOGETHER!

ALL THE BEST! 

- little Yiftach'l

siyatta wrote on 25 Dec 2023 21:28:

From my experience and from seeing others in the SA. The program works if you work it. Fellowship by itself doesn't seem to do it for addict's 

Shmuel wrote on 25 Dec 2023 22:50:

Shmuel was your account hacked?

That comment is not typical of you. The correct response would have been your tag line. 

“Philosophizing beats doing any day" 

siyatta wrote on 25 Dec 2023 21:28:

What makes you think your an addict ?
Plenty of people have the struggle without clinical addiction
No-one here was ever able to last a week (are you crazy - a full week with no porn ?!?!?!?) until they did . 
And you can to! 
And BTW its the fellowship and the accountability of some real awesome dudes here that did it for lots of great GYE's here.

Ain hachi nami. It probably depends on your definition of addiction. I think anything that seems like a 'need' and almost out of the realm of bechira is to me an addiction. 
Derech agav, where do people see bechira in all this? Mistama we all have bechira at all times, yet it sometimes feels like it's not shayich.

Welcome!

Stick around, try some methods and you will learn what works for you, what works for one is unhelpful for another. There's definitely a superiority with the 12 steps versus GYE as it is not anonymous and honest but is not necessary for everyone.

Dr. AJ Twerski defined addiction as any compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences, of course there are many levels in addiction.

Regarding the bechira, A man always has bechira. If someone would point a gun on you and threaten to shoot if you watch porn there's no doubt that you would have to power to hold, the problem is that the you don't view your consequences as a danger to life.

Welcome to GYE! If you came here looking for support you will surely find it. GYE has people from all walks of life on here, all parts of yiddishkeit and all stages of life. We are all here because of a common struggle and because we want to grow together. Join the family!

About your bechira question - if you're looking for the emesdike answer I can't say I know for sure, however if you're looking for an answer that might calm down the pain that lies behind the question I can throw out a mehalech...

I struggled with pornography for more than 15 years from when I was 13. Never once in all those years did I feel that I had a mehalech to actually control myself. The best I was able to do was run away from devices... Over the past 3 months through friends I made here on gye and through learning various tools, I feel way more confident in myself that I have a mehalech to overcome desire that has been working great for the past 108 days (kein yirbu). I thought about this bechira question for years... and now bang I feel like I have my bechira back to a large degree! What changed was that I learned tools that I did not know about before. Does this mean that I didn't have bechira then, and that now I do? Not quite sure about that, however what I'm suggesting is that it's possible that a person needs to find the proper tools to overcome this nisayon and he's not born with these tools. They have to be learned. This mehalech, while not entirely answering your question (because how can it be that without certain tools you taka can't overcome the nisayon... where's your bechira???) served to calm me down. Instead of having kashas on bechira in where I'm confused that maybe I don't have bechira but maybe I do and why can't I use it, I now understand that it seems that without tools I can't, and with the right tools I can.

Hatzlacha in finding the proper guidance and tools to overcome your struggles!

Thank you for your response. I would love to get an idea of the tools you are referring to, though I understand this not be possible al regel achas

It is ma dealuch suni lechavrach lo savid

As far as the bechira question, it makes very little difference in the here and now, which is the only thing that is important. I found that when we work on ourselves and reach a place that we can confidently say "no", the question of bechira has very little hold on us. It is only when we feel we dont have bechira now that its such an important issue in our minds. 

siyatta wrote on 26 Dec 2023 21:11:

Sorry I didn't have time to respond until now... I'll do the best I can in explaining the tools that worked for me - however keep in mind that what works for one may not work for another...

The main tools that have helped me, I learned by reading the battle of the generation book by hillel s. The biggest thing I have learned is as follows. The way I understand desire and tayva (at least for me) is that when desire hits, I get overcome with a super strong excitement, drive and urge and literally all I want to do with my life is to run as fast as I can to fulfill my desires. Throughout the years although I decently stayed away from dangerous devices, I was still really very much out of control. The reason for this was that the only way I tried to combat the desire was with intellectual reasons that I had for not running after my desires. I would convince myself that I can't keep dong this stuff because it's assur, because schar v'onesh, because it'll wreck my marriage, my life etc. However, I realized that intellectual reasons stand almost zero chance against the emotional excitement of watching pornography. The battle of the generation book taught me that a much smarter way to fight that excitement was by learning how to be excited about overcoming the yeitzer hara. The book has quite some pages explaining how this can be achieved - although easier said than done. Once overcoming desire has in itself a real emotional excitement to it, you have a way stronger weapon available to use to fight desire with. It's excitement for pornography vs. excitement to overcome the desire. With enough work it's even possible to have it that the excitement to overcome desire is more exciting than the desire itself. This is because overcoming desire is a huge accomplishment and makes you feel a deep strong feeling of fulfillment, whereas giving in to desire leaves you feeling quite nasty.

Hatzlacha! 

iwannalivereal wrote on 26 Dec 2023 20:17:

Humbly, I would add that just because someone wasn't born with bechira, it doesn't mean that it's a stira to bechira. The fact that someone is given the tools to develop the bechira is gufa bechira!

Just thinking out loud!

- Little Yiftach'l

iwannalivereal wrote on 27 Dec 2023 20:10:

Beautiful post! Thank you