Every time I fall I tell myself ok this is the last time and then I proceed to do it again it doesn’t make senseeeeeee

Have you checked the situations, emotions and cues that precede a fall? Do you have a list of cues, and appropriate responses from the GYE toolbox? This may reveal a pattern that is causing you to fall and the way to address it so you don't fall again. It would be worth writing a list of cues and appropriate responses, reading it two or three times a week and adjusting it once a week.

I agree! But if you notice you said 'every time' so that means while falls happen, your also not giving up! So my dear fellow Jew, keep climbing this mountain. it may be rocky, it may be steep but hey look how much you've done.

Keep Fighting,
Keep climbing,
Focus on the good!

Oh and BTW dont feel so guilty, its how He made you. You can do this!

GuiltyYid wrote on 25 Dec 2023 00:10:

That's an awful feeling of despair.
All of us here have had it and know it all to well.
(I'm  thinking of chaimoigens first post as I type this , his DARRNNIT still rings in my ears)
lots of great thread her to go through and read with tons of valuable relationships just waiting to be made.
Stick around
Together, you can & will succeed.

Welcome! Try strengthening yourself with these great free resources:

1) The Battle of the Generation: a sensational free ebook that seriously gets you excited to fight and win this fight. It's a real game-changer.

2) The Fight: an incredible audio series from Rabbi Shafier.

Links are below in my signature. Wishing you much success!

Reach out to HHM.

GuiltyYid wrote on 25 Dec 2023 00:10:

I understand and can relate to everything you wrote besides the last four words.
What doesn't make sense?

GuiltyYid wrote on 25 Dec 2023 00:10:

You are right. Trying to 'be good' by sheer willpower doesn't always work. Once the lust hits and your body is affected by it, it is an almost forgone conclusion that there will be trouble. The buttons that needed to be pushed were available before that slide started, and the struggle is to gain the awareness and take action before you start sliding.

What might work? Something completely counter intuitive. Rather then will power, it's just the opposite; saying, "Hashem, I can't do this! I'm sorry, but I've messed myself up so badly that I can't get past this by myself. I need You to carry me, to do it for me. I am powerless in the face of this yetzar hara. Please help me."

Powerless doesn't mean you are not responsible for your recovery. All that powerless means is that you can't do anything about the addiction itself, like someone who has diabetes can't do anything about that fact. But they can and must take their insulin, and you CAN and MUST do everything that is in your power to allow HASHEM into your life so that HE will do for you what you can't do for yourself.

Welcome!
I'm sorry for your feelings of despair, it's exactly what I felt at the beginning of my journey, stick around and don't give up, you will learn to understand your repetitive behavior better and how to hopefully change it. There no need to do it all alone anymore, we are all here for you as you see already, just keep on reaching out.

I'm sure that in this cold weather you can make use of some...
Warm hugs!
True self

Try changing your user names it can do wonders to your self evaluation.