The day is over... the peace of night is available... and I end up going on the phone.  It starts innocent enough... just checking on things, and then I notice, as if by itself, my hand is in my pocket... touch, rubbing.  Feels good,  I don't even notice it.  But then I do.  And in that moment I can choose - to do what's right and good and pure, to be a ben torah, an eved Hashem... or I choose to be a horny man who enjoys how it feels.  

what am I looking for?  why do I do this?  is there something wrong with me?  something wrong with all of us here??

I'm so tired of this, so ashamed
just go to sleep, you can stop now... but no
I go into the bathroom
all alone 
with the screen and it's temptations
and I give in
I see you all here posting courageously and I just can't do it, I don't want to join the convo, I'm too tired.  Leave me alone problem, just let me be

sometimes I've won this battle
sometimes!

for years this was under control
and now It's back
but now It comes with shame, disappointment, expectations, worry 

I don't know what else to say
I'm here
I want to do better
but I'm so so tired 

Do you read The battle of the Generation?

having nothing to do can lead to sin.
When it's time for bed especially when you have been putting off facing something (like stress) all day
you don't have anything else left to do (distract yourself from it) so staying up can be asking for trouble.

however I found it hard to go to bed sometimes and it would lead to this.
I would recommend try to stay off media and devices before bed because they help us disassociate but not decompress.

Something else:
​I think it's normal to have stronger urges at night because throughout the day you are busy and 
you might be subconsciously putting it off (urges) for later and then it hits you when you have free time at night.
You no longer have an excuse to put it off, then it overwhelms you.

I hope this was applicable to you and helpful.

joejew1234 wrote on 13 Dec 2023 05:42:

It's a disease. This disease is in OUR minds. It IS our minds. It's a voice, telling us that lust is something that we want. That lust is a solution to our problems, that it'll make us feel good. But that voice IS NOT ME!! It's the disease talking.

For some people, the voice is really loud. Especially when we're in a bad groove. When we're in fall, it's so hard to separate the strong feelings and identify them as sick ones.

But every time we desist, with Hashem's help, the sick voices shrink back a little bit. Some of us can even go for a long time having the voice be really quiet, not bothering us much.

But this is what we need to do. We tell those voices: "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I've seen you before. I know what you're trying to do! Quiet down please; I'm trying to live! You've made me so miserable!"

R' Aharon Leib Shteinman z"l once said that the place to daven for lust addiction is in "refa'enu", not 'Hashivaynu", or "slach lanu". This is very important to remember.

Let us surrender this disease and all our negative traits. And let us - the REAL us - connect with Hashem. It's a tremendous pity if we feel too guilty to even allow ourselves to get closer to Him, which is what we really want! Let us love Hashem. Let us feel loved by Him.

frank.lee wrote on 13 Dec 2023 09:15:

I haven't but I've downloaded it!  I plan to start reading it

This is a fascinating point - big aha moment - can you speak more on it please?

Beautiful message thank you!
Super interesting point re: R Shteinman!  Refa'enu is there place to daven because he's saying it's more of a sickness than a regular avera we'd ask forgiveness for?
Thanks for your thoughts

joejew1234 wrote on 13 Dec 2023 19:19:

In addition you can also daven at the end of shemoneh esrei with your own words, it's the most helpful for me.

They can be over stimulating which can be distracting and help you disassociate from reality but that won't help you decompress if you're stressed. although it might give the illusion of it.

joejew1234 wrote on 13 Dec 2023 05:42:

I completely identify with this.
I don't have much else to say. But have you considered filtering your phone? Or if you have filter, getting rid of the phone totally? 95% of the battle is avoiding the fight.

Yes, me too  

notezy wrote on 13 Dec 2023 21:51:

What do you use for decompression at the end of the day?

chooseurname wrote on 13 Dec 2023 23:43:

Yes I hear you, I’m not ready / able to get rid of the all the tech right now… 

I am not sure I have found anything that really works other than kind of doing nothing I mean no devices not even a book kind of letting your brain work itself down finish processing everything from the day as you would do before bed. I used to meditate but I would make it into to much of a routine so I stopped
I find that just doing a basic end of night routine without distractions like a phone is surprisingly peaceful and helps decompress.
cleaning showering dealing with basic chores of the night making dinner all this without distracting yourself with devices is the simplist most affective way to decompress.

joejew1234 wrote on 14 Dec 2023 04:50:

Connection. 

Personally, these days I lay next to my wife and we talk. 
Or in the next bed when I must. 
But calling a friend who cares also works. 

Connecting to something positive that means something to me also helps. 

Sometime having something that I learn especially at night.

The main thing is that I look to catch my breath by connecting to something that gives me back who I am. 
After the day has sometimes taken it away from me. 

The idea that moving out of your own head and life is needed at the end of the day is not a healthy one. Avoidance and disassociation is not a way to deal with issues and process them. To heal from The stresses of the day. 

If avoidance is the solution one is looking for, lust does a great job of helping a man climb out of his head and his life, temporarily. 

Until it all comes crashing back down.