Thanks.

I had another stumble.

Two in four days

Was even closer to falling than the first.

But just avoided it.

To be expected, the Yetzer Hara usually lets you think you have won a battle, then attacks again.

As with the firs time I knew dee down that I didn't want what it was offering.

That is was a false high, a fleeting high that then leads to feeling bad about one's self.

I guess I was saved by mindfulness, in an extreme form.

And your streak is still going strong! Keep it up!

Had a stumble last night.



I was Hungry, Angry (Actually resentful) and Tired.



(Especially I was tired - caused by some extra workload in my job, which should ease off very soon.)



That's three out of the four triggers of Hungry Angry Lonely Tired with the acronym which tells you what to do if they happen - HALT.



Thank G-D I did not fall.   



I was able to and take some deep breathes and put intellect before emotion and realise that I was stumbling and heading for a fall.



An interesting thing is that I am convinced there were other reasons for stumbling.



It is Erev Hanukah, and I think the evil forces work extra hard just before a festival.



Also, I did not realise, but I logged in today to see that my clean streak is now 444 days.



That is my record by one day!



So the evil forces were working hard to stop that.



And, I just saw, that the date that I got onto the wall of honour on this website was 24 Kislev (last year) - which is today's date!



I wish everyone Hanukah Sameach.

ויאמר ויסעו פאר פאר פאר

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 07 Dec 2023 21:18:

שבע יפול צדיק
But 8th Day?
פאר פאר פאר

Monstuh Truck don’t stop for the ocean…

I have had a few stumbles lately.

Mixture of tiredness and loneliness, and depression.

Some emotional pain from the past coming back to haunt me.
Causes me to seek a high in the wrong way.

With Hashem's help I am now aware of this and can react by mindfulness or distraction.
And above all, plan to pre-empt these stumbles by feeling better abut myself.

Hey man you're very brave for posting. Thanks for the chizuk

"Some emotional pain from the past coming back to haunt me.
Causes me to seek a high in the wrong way."
I can relate all too well.
I have found that when the pain was caused by others and I worked on myself to forgive them
and actually say the words "mochel lach" three times it was both liberating and therapeutic.

I fell after being clean for 839 days.

I think the causes were

1) Not relaxing enough, not having a safety valve for work stress.

2.) Feeling overwhelmed, that when I try to set aside time to relax, some chore crops up and fills that time.

Going forward

I must keep boundaries for time to relax.

I must avoid any pornographic websites.

Oh man, so so painful. Falling after all that. I envy the fact that you are so strong and getting right back up after such a fall.

Hey, here’s a warm hand. 
Hang on, the post-fall poison in the blood may be particularly difficult for the next day or two. If you can withstand it, you’ll know that you are everything you’ve been for the longest time. 
Your fall, while an error, does not define you. You are a special person. 

Stay in touch here. We need you. 

Admiringly, 
Chaim Oigen 

A brave individual began climbing a challenging mountain. He was focused on the peak as he began his ascent. As he trudged along, he gave a supportive hand to fellow climbers, as well as a smile and word of chizuk. As he reached higher summits, he was able to enjoy beautiful views of the world around him as well as breathe in the pristine high-altitude air. After two years of climbing, he encountered a most challenging section of the trail. Erosion had loosened gravel, and our dear friend fell into a pit. BH, he avoided tumbling off a nearby cliff, but he was bruised and demoralized. Slowly he emerged from the hole in the ground and was greeted by a sunny breezy atmosphere. As he bandaged his wounds he actually smiled realizing where he actually was. My, this is one great location to be in. No i am not going to roll down to the mountain's base. I am going to study the terrain, adjust my footgear, protect myself, say a prayer and move on!

Seeing 839 days and you getting up, is inspiring to me, and I'm sure to many....

Muttel

Thank you @stopsurvivingstartliving, @chaimoigen, @Hashem Help Me and @Muttel for your words of encouragement.

I was clean for over two years, and in my head it was going to be forever.

If I can share something I have learnt from that, it is to take each day at a time.
No matter how many days one has been clean for, the threat of falling is always there.
And the opportunity to stay clean is there too.

It is a bit like most things in the world for us as Jews.
They have positive and negative uses.

If you are hungry,

Negative: you could eat a bacon sandwich = fall.

Positive:  you could wash your hands, say al netilat yedayim, say hamotzei, eat a salt beef sandwich, wash mayim achronim, say birchat hamtzon = achievement.

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To take things a bit deeper.

I am pretty sure that I now know a main reason for me having been born.

My series of falls, my challenges with channelling this sexual impulse; I think they are linked to behaviour from a previous gilgul.
A main reason for me being born is to rectify that behaviour in this gilgul.

This can apply to so many of us on this website.

There will be other reasons for me being born, positive talents that I have to develop too.
Perhaps that I ignored or left unfinished from a previous gilgul.