Wow ok. I didn't think I was ever going to actually do this. I'm a 4th year bochur and shidduchim are coming into sight. I'd really like to be rid of at least P before I start. I say only that because M is not as big a struggle if I don't have P. Obviously being completely clean is the goal. I've been on GYE for a couple months but only really to track successes and falls. I started the flight to freedom program but got bored and stopped. But right now I'm lost. I have a laptop here in yeshiva that I use for college. But lets be honest, majority of my time on the laptop is not college. I've been on and off with P on it, with times that I couldn't get around the filter and times that I have. The times that I had I did what I did and then had that specific way to access P blocked. But now it's different. I can't have this way blocked. It's not possible. Regardless a filter is just a short term solution to a deeper problem. I don't know what that problem is. I have bh healthy relationships and a healthy home. If that has anything to do with this I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired of losing. It's not every day bh. But however often it is, is too often. I need help. I guess that's why I'm writing this. I know there's no quick fix, I know it'll take a long journey. But right now I feel hopeless. Like I won't ever be rid of this. I hate it and I hate how I need it. I wish I didn't.

Welcome! Try reaching out to hashemhelpme, and definitely keep posting and connect with the awesome guys over here. And dont worry about ‘some deeper reason‘ or whatever. The point is what do you do from now. Good luck

Welcome!
The first step is to celebrate the good days and the wins. The Steipler once told someone who complained to him about how difficult this struggle was, that the times we fail are erasable, but every time we pass a test is a Kinyan that's ours to keep forever. Even if we are successfully misgaber (overcome) only once in a while at first, this initial hisgabrus will ultimately lead us to break free completely.

The Steipler also talks about these nisyonos in Kraina de'igrisa, and he tells us not to think about the past, but only to look forward. Even Teshuvah, the Steipler writes, should be left for once a person is married, lest it bring him to "atzvus".

He also tells people not to think they will be able to change completely right away, but that it will take time and effort... Every time we say "no" eventually comes together, and we will find the strength to be free of these sins altogether.

The Steipler also advises people to keep davening - even 100 times a day, a short teffilah, like: "Hashem, please save me!". We may not see Hashem's answer right away, but no teffilah is lost and it all adds up and comes together in the end.

And, he writes, the best medicine against these nisyonos is to learn Torah with true yegiyah - effort and diligence, and to make sure that we are always in a good environment, surrounded by serious Yidden - ovdei Hashem, especially in times when we feel weak.

Welcome to the community of fighters
Chazak Chazak, you can do this! 
We're all here for you

Welcome dear brother!
It's amazing that you gathered the courage to get on here and post, for many it's actually when real change starts as you get to know people in similar situations like yourself, and make truly helpful friends.
Looking back at myself just a few month ago when I first joined GYE, I had the same thoughts and feelings that you are describing, what helped me most was my first chat with Eerie and then HHM, plus posting and getting to know more absolutely wonderful people here!
Please don't give up and give it yet another try, You don't need to go through this alone, there are many people here that are always willing to listen and share just hang around and do what you gotta do, Getting in touch with HHM etc.
Remember: Kol hascholos koshos...

Thinking of you and wishing you lots of Hatzlacha.
True self

Please check out these free resources to jumpstart your recovery:
ebook/book: The Battle of the Generation. Incredible book. It's a real game-changer.
Audio series: The Fight by Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier. Also incredible.
Links are below in my signature.
Hatzlocha!

Definitely recommend reading a little of the battle or the generation each day. Also if you have WhatsApp you can sign up for the Vayimaen daily messages.

Welcome to the family,

Your on the right track and Bez"H will continue uphill from here.
As long as you have access to erotic material it makes this test extremely difficult. We need to find a way that porn is not an availible option....

Welcome to the family! We are so glad you joined, and we are looking forward to watching you shteig! please stick around, connect to some good people here, and beH you will learn a lot about yourself, and how to break free from all the things you want to. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We care about you, and we want to hear from you! oh, and don't forget....KEEP TRUCKING!