I have been reading and looking around this site for a long time (years actually), and it is time to open up a little and post. I have learned a lot about the struggles that we all have, and I am amazed that so many Jews are fighting this demon. My story is not much different. I am a Middle-aged man who is happily married, has great kids and participates in P and M multiple times a day, and can't stop. But needs to. 

Stepping off the curb and into the street by posting.. I hope I don't get run over by a bus.

I have to add that I am very impressed by the strides that many of you have made. It gives me a sliver of hope.

First off, congrats on making the huge jump from reading to posting. I feel that posting and getting involved is a huge help for myself. To quote some lyrics from a certain song i like "its funny how i can give the best advice but i cant follow" im sure you can relate. But i feel that posting helps me internalize everything. 
secondly i hope you get hit by the steam roller of change.

And most important, ditch this ‘sliver of hope‘ business. GET HYPED!!!

Adam2014 wrote on 05 Oct 2023 09:42:

Welcome aboard . I too lurked for years before starting to get involved. 
You'll find that when you are driving a monster truck like the rest of us here , busses dont stand a chance against you.
Keep on posting & sharing - we're here for you .
There is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel- and all the way throughout (Unfortunately for me i live in NJ so the other end of the tunnel is NY.)

Adam2014 wrote on 05 Oct 2023 09:42:

Welcome.
Nothin' to worry about; Gevurah is the only one who drives a bus around here, and he's otherwise occupied, plus he looks both ways before crossin'.

Welcome to the club. May that sliver become larger and larger as you push forward in the right direction one small step at a time.

Adam2014 wrote on 05 Oct 2023 09:42:

Good for you for taking the initiative! Why do you feel like you need to stop and why "cant" you?

I need to for many reasons.
1. HaShem doesn't want me to do those things
2. My relationship with my wife is not what it should be
3. The deeper the hole, the darker the porn
4. I want to live a more authentic and observant life
5. It is crushing my self-esteem and I am not the person that I really am.

As far as why I "can't", I can only say that I have tried many times over the years and have had very little success. I have not found a way to at least "limit" my computer and smartphone access, which is the source of most of my problems. I understand that the problem is me and not the devices, but if they were not so easily assessable, I might be better at fighting off the "urges".

adam2014 wrote on 06 Oct 2023 10:28:

Sounds like you dont have filters on your devices. 
That would seem like a logical first step. Its kinda hard to wean a baby off the bottle while he still has it in his mouth

Welcome!

Sounds like you have a lot going for you in life bh. Stick around and you will definitely have more than a sliver of hope!

Welcome. Here's a warm hand.
Less lonely when walking together with others. There's hope.

I like the way you articulated that this problem if impacting your self-esteem and you are not the person you really are. The fact that after many years you still have the freshness and awareness that there's a "you" that larger, and wish to be him, evidences your depth and perception. 
Glad you started posting. Stick around. You'll find new doorways here, friend.

Chaim Oigen

How about an accountability partner?

I am trying to figure out the filters. I have a company issued phone that I can't touch. It is not monitored very closely, so I can get away with looking at inappropriate stuff. I would not look at actual porn, but as we all know, there are many things on the internet that can be a trigger that is otherwise socially acceptable.

At home, my wife has a laptop and computer that I have access to at any time and can't put filter on those, also we have a family desktop computer that we both use. I could filter or better yet, just get rid of my own laptop.. but that would not solve the problem. 

I may just return the company phone and buy myself a Flip Phone and be done with it. I think that I could convince my boss that I do not need the iPhone. 

So, it is a work in progress... I would love some tips and tricks if you guys have any.

Check into techloq, I've had good experiences with them. You can use it and it won't hobble your work... very adjustable. 
also consider webchaver.

I hope that I am posting this in the right spot... I have to give GYE a huge thank you for saving me from a fall yesterday. I was alone with an unfiltered computer and that is usually the beginning of a problem. I felt the urge to act out and instead of just sitting there and hoping it goes away, I went on to GYE and into the chat room and found a couple of guys, who chatted with me for about 30 minutes and during that time, the feeling passed and I went on to have a productive and clean day. I will not say the guys names, but hopefully you read this and if so... THANK YOU!!

Day 3 for the win!!! Onto day 4!

adam2014 wrote on 11 Oct 2023 10:33:

AMAZING !!! 
More of the same!