Amazing how two talented fellows can poetically write the same true message in two very different ways.....

Thank you everyone for your words of chizuk.
I appreciate you all sticking around even though I disappeared like a moron.

Thank you for being here for me at a moment when I so absolutely hate myself. The fact that you are here gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe I am not such a hopeless case after all.

I fell and I fell hard and long.

Three takeaways for this time around:

1. Post on my thread everyday. A major part of this fall was that my posting petered out and I slowly felt less and less actively connected to the crew here.

2. Texting three friends "trouble" when trouble is brewing.

3. Underlying the above two - not getting cocky, not dreaming up that I'm totally scot-free after four weeks and not letting my guard down.

I would rather not need GYE - and there's all kinds of cheshbonos - I have to go get internet access or go home, it takes away from learning, etc etc Maybe I'm numbing my own boredom with GYE etc etc.. But under it all - I'd like to believe that I've left it all behind and I just don't need anymore help.

But I do.

And I have to hold on to this Etz Chayim.

Shkoach Everybody. Credit to Foolie and ChaimO for the above points.

Mazel Tov on 35 days of peace.

Here's to 3500!

Starting today.

Hayom yom zero le'omer

Dear Hechochma, 

The three points you mentioned sound perfect, especially having been inspired by CO and foolie. 

I’ll just comment on the beginning of your post …you are the furthest from a moron or a hopeless case…it’s quite the opposite! We admire and appreciate you whether you’re up, down, right, left, and all around! (Here, there, and everywhere, that’s where he can be found! Okay I’m done unwinding, I’d better go to bed!!)

A lot of cogent, thoughtful points. 

But: The line I liked the most was “starting today”. I suspect Markz would agree. 

The line I so deeply disliked was “I so absolutely hate myself”. 
Hey! How dare you smear my brilliant, insightful, caring, growing, striving friend with your hatred? 

No seeds of redemption and hope were ever planted by self-loathing. 

Pick yourself up, give yourself a hug, with Rachmanus. Then give yourself a loving, firm kick in the pants and get back up on that wagon! Conquer today, for starters. You know you can. 

You’re a force for the good, a good man. and, with Siyata Dishmaya, you shall be a better one tomorrow. 

HaYom Yom Echad. TYH. 

love, 
Chaim 

chaimoigen wrote on 01 Dec 2023 06:25:

Gadlus. Give this post to every mashgiach in every yeshiva to give to the bochurim who come crying that they are the biggest reshaim the world has ever known....

*Perky Camp Announcer Voice*
Good Morning GYE!

Day 1:
Feels way better to be back on the horse, bh.

Thank you everyone for the empathy, the hugs and the kicks in the pants...

In your zechus I managed to get the self-loathing out of my system in under 48 hours. Without you... I would disappear for a month at least. If only my wife would know the psychological oblivion that you have all saved me from - she would send you all cookies or something. In the meantime, you'll have to settle for my thank you (I can't bake to save my life)!

@ChaimO - I know I could be a bit mean to that HeChochma guy - it's very gratifying to pick on him and I'm a bit of a bully - but I will heed your advice and leave him be.

@YKW - Thank you for the chizuk and the unwinding tips - the lizards had me out cold before I knew what hit me ;-)

@HHM - Indeed - we have to arrange a Mashgiach training course with the legends of GYE - I know a few Mashgichim in Lakewood...

Hey wait... it's still...
Day 1:
Headed into a bit of a nisayon over shabbos I won't be eating at home and there will be some stress, lost sleep and prolonged social situations with women.
It will be fine unless it's not - so wish me yirtzeh Hashem and I'll wish back my commitment to fulfill the im yirtzeh HeChochma part!!!

HeChochma wrote on 01 Dec 2023 19:41:

Will be thinking about you! Gut Shabbos! Menucha Visimcha

Day 2:
B'h Shabbos went well - quite tired despite the long friday night, but otherwise everything went well.

Some other things weighing on my mind - same old ruminations about friends and about what the future holds for me (career-wise mostly, I suppose). They feel as new as ever, however.

It's a special Shabbos/Motzei Shabbos stress since I don't have the same rigorous schedule and I do a fair amount of walking and semi-awkward kiddush socializing which leaves a lot of time to try to divine the future - a task I haven't succeeded at yet and certainly never will, but one that is nevertheless always inviting.

As soon as I get back to being productive these highly monumental issues fade into the background of life - so, I guess I will try to be off to do something productive ASAP.

Anyone else have a hard time with Motzai Shabboses?

From my experience motzei shabbos is not a pashut night for many people.  It's hard for many people to go to sleep on time, not watch movies or lose all the energy from shabbos in a healthy way.

Besides being long and unstructured, most people feel a restlessness on Motzei Shabbos. A feeling of wanting to “paint the town red”, or “go out and do something”. It’s been explained that this may be a symptom of the gnawing emptiness that the Neshoma Yeseira leaves in her passing…   

It has helped for me to schedule specific productive Sedorim on MS, with a Chavrusa…. 

chaimoigen wrote on 03 Dec 2023 00:29:

Boy do I want to paint the town red tonight!
I stay home with my wife on MS to help her be less lonely in her own "What in the world am I supposed to do with myself now" feeling.

It's nice but very low-energy - I should probably take a run or something.

Here is a horribly shocking thought if you’re already keeping your wife company play monopoly or skip bo with her or go to your local plaster gallery buy a bunch of plaster projects and paint them with her together and *gasp* make small talk with each other

foolie wrote on 03 Dec 2023 02:43:

This... is a great idea!


This we do already bh - definitely enjoyable but doesn't quite get out the MS jitters!

That’s painting + small talk simultaneously aka multitasking you know you can do it because you can walk and talk at the same time too