Amazing writing and emotion!!

HeChochma wrote on 20 Nov 2023 14:05:

To stumble away from the familiar, hated, long-known path is to hope. Indeed. 

You have touched me deeply, friend.
Your poetic side is poignantly pure, achingly truthful, and throbbing with all the hurt you are carrying, and looking to unburden…. 

Keep inspiring us- more importantly it will help keep you feeling it yourself…

Thank you for the kind words, Frank and Chaim!!
I also wanted to thank HHM, Foolie, Chaim O, Eerie, ASY and Ki Sorisa for really really being there for me and helping me through the ups and downs over the last few weeks - you've all been so incredibly sensitive and caring. The time you all gave me from your busy schedules has really helped me in so many ways - Thanks a million guys - you rock!!!

Thank YOU! For being here, for sharing, for inspiring, for making this place even more fun than  it is already:)
Keep trucking!

eerie wrote on 22 Nov 2023 21:17:

GYE is indeed a lot of fun - which is nice because boredom is such a killer trigger.

Update:
Mazel Tov! 4 weeks clean here!!!

I appreciate all of the tips about loneliness - so far my daily call with HHM has been a big help for the morning and the afternoon. In the evening I am usually able to chat on here.

I also started calling one particular friend who I am close to pretty much whenever I'm in the car. We mostly play phone tag as we are both busy - but we have been catching each other about every other day which is pretty good.

I discovered that I default to listening or darshening but it is actually really hard for me to talk about something that's bothering me. Took a plunge though and actually shared a little bit, and it was very gratifying bh. Scheduling makes meaningful conversations difficult because we both usually have only twenty-thirty minutes a shot to spare maximum and we are both big talkers.
Regardless, it is a lot better than having nobody to talk to. So shkoach everyone.

I need to work on getting to sleep on time instead of hokking around on my computer until 1AM and then waking up late, unprepared, exhausted, behind the eight ball and of course by extension - very prone to lust. Like today, for example, I had to check out every other car in the whole Lakewood on my way home.
Changing bedtime is easier said than done because my chill time in life is usually after I get home at around 10-11 until 1am and I'm physically used to going to sleep then as well.

I will also mention as part of this little rant, that part of my brain tells me that there's no reason for me to be sharing the inside of my brain here, because why would everyone else be interested in that? However, I took mussar haskel from a particular thread here that I shall not name, and from the following comment on HHM's thread by 360GYE


which brought me to the simple conclusion that if I don't actually share what's going on in my life I will not be able to stay connected with the wonderful, incredible, fantastic, amazing community here at GYE and I will probably resurface next to tell everyone about the inevitable fall that would take place.

So, thank you for taking interest in the foibles of my brain and the vicissitudes of my life (it was really fun to write that btw) I cannot express in words how surprising and touching it is to me that anyone actually cares, and how much of a difference it makes for me in this journey!!! You should all be blessed with an overflow of connection (yedidus loit R' Wolbe), serenity (shalom) and yiddishe nachas (not sure if this exists in english)!

Does anyone else relate to the struggle of getting to bed on time due to needing to unwind and then suffering from the exhaustion during the day?

Love it

Does anyone else relate to the struggle of getting to bed on time due to needing to unwind and then suffering from the exhaustion during the day?

I certainly can relate!

It’s something I wish to change. 

I can’t speak for everyone, but in my case, the unwinding mentality was certainly a pattern that served largely to the purpose of acting out. 

Please continue sharing your foibles and vicissitudes, we are heartened  by your courage and spirit!

youknowwho wrote on 23 Nov 2023 22:04:

Speaking of the “unwinding mentality” being a trigger and slippery slope, please forgive me if I put a link here to a post I’ve written about how looking for something to unwind with is the “posture of pornography”. 

here 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/395737-Thought-I-wouldnt-need-to-ask-for-help?limit=15&start=135#400754

Thank you youknowwho and ChaimO for your thoughtful responses!

A few thoughts here.

1. The unwinding mentality/posture of pornography yesod is a big deal.

Such a big deal, I may add, that I am not sure how to deal with this deal.

I am working on engaging with healthier means of dealing with the stresses of life.
Reaching out to friends from here is an absolute gamechanger.

However, I still also feel like I need to "chill" - enjoy myself lazily. Have entertainment and escape and pleasure wash over me.

I feel like that. But I'm not sure if I'm right at all. Perhaps the right attitude to life is - real enjoyment and pleasure don't just wash over you while you laze around on the couch - get up and go do something!

Oh, you're tired?
So then go to sleep!!!

(Disclaimer: This does not apply to genuine social interaction which for some could be effortlessly enjoyable)

The other part of me says - "What the heck are you trying to do over here? Drive me absolutely insane?! No problem, I'll start the application to Bellevue now - you have to have crazy pull to get in there."

This is actually relevant to me in other areas of my life - I also use food to numb which isn't so great for my health.

I don't really have a clear direction about this and it's a confusing topic for me - I would love to hear what everybody else thinks:

- Is there a practical ideal of veering away entirely from seeking the "lazy pleasures" of life as an outlet or is it something that requires balance even in the ideal? Doesn't sound like a great life to me to live without them...

but at the same time I'm having a hard time picturing the people I admire coming home and going to the freezer, taking out some ice cream and chips, putting their feet up on the couch and reading the paper. But, hey, what do I know?

- How do I achieve this - or better yet - how do I idealize it - I don't have a clear picture of how it would look if it would be done properly?

In the meantime I will continue to numb in all the ways I always do - news, food, roaming around GYE (btw YKW I appreciate that you wrote that you use GYE to numb sometimes), music, the occasional google research rabbit hole. However, I will be more aware of it - I know that google research is more dangerous than GYE and news is often more dangerous than either.

This post has also gotten dangerously long - so I'll save my other thoughts for another post!

Your extraordinary Chochma and contemplative analysis is a gift.

A few brief thoughts:

Yes, truly great people, at least the ones I know, don't have a lot of "down time", and don't engage in aimless lazy time-wasting. Rest is imperative (even though people can push the envelope on what's necessary). Relaxation is less so, though it does fall into the category of rest.
"Unwinding" is probably less of an objective necessity.

But we gotta keep it real. A person can and should have a vision of where he wants to reach one day. But a man also has to know where he is today. If unwinding and relaxing is something that's needed (or I thinks I need) today, then that's my reality. Especially if someone has a "need to numb", as you say. [Which can unfortunately find [i]other ways[/i] to be expressed if not addressed satisfactorily.]

Practical thoughts: MAKE A PLAN.

Read an actual book to unwind and numb. It can be chosen in advance. And books don't have a rabbit warren of holes and tunnels to fall into... .  
Even watching something, if that's where your holding and it works for you. But it has to be something specific and chosen in advance, and you have decided in advance that it is what you consider appropriate. So you haven't compromised your values to where you are. And you're acting, not reacting.

This is far better than meandering around Google and the slippery slanty slide of YouTube.....

Yeah, I also use writing pearls of wisdom (or not) on GYE as a positive engaging escape, too. Keeps me focused on certain things, maybe it helps someone, and it's great to able to write in English, and articulate my feelings, too.

There are other outlets. Exercise, connection, articles and things you find interesting but curated by source and access; time with the missus, calling friends, and other stuff and sundry...   But with forethought.

Yes, there's something delicious about just kicking back and randomly wasting time on enjoyment with any thought whatsoever. But, legitimate Hashkafa considerations aside: Guys like us can't afford it.
If one fails to plan, one plans to fail.
For slipping aimlessly into the posture of "stimulate me with enjoyment after a hard day" isn't something that we can really afford.....

Thank you, kvoid harosh Yeshiva, for that! 
If I may add, the mishna says that from the kinyanei HaTorah are מיעוט שחוק, מיעוט שיחה. The Meforshim ( those who explain Oral law:)) tell us that the mishna did not say to quit the sicha and the s'choik, it says to minimize it. Because people need these things, each to their own degree, for their emotional wellbeing. We need some outlets, some ways of relaxing, but Reb CO out it so well, the "stimulate me" mehalach, will lead to...
And now, back to Reb CO...

Checking in, my friend. How ya’ll doing on this dark and beautiful night? 

Thanks for checking in.
Here's a haiku:
Life sucked.
Then I fell yesterday.
Now life sucks more.
Going back to sleep.

Well here is a haiku just for you
The Lonely is calling
It wants you bad
Get off your tuches
And call a friend

Words of the wise 
have limits. 
A look in the eyes 
has none. 
Feel my gaze, I’m standing outside, 
behind the window
Looking back, 
With warmth, compassion,
And understanding, too. 
When life isn’t, we are here 
For you.