welcome! really powerfull of you to reach out! must have taken you a lot of strength! your honesty seems incredible from  early in your posts,  i like you had no bechira from a young age to not look at things, would love to hear more about the nature of your struggle, yes you can overcome! its doable! routing for you   

Theres a saying in aa, recovery is progress not perfection. As long as youre still in the fight, that's what matters  

After my truly *sarcasm* monumental */sarcasm* four day streak I fell again this afternoon - but not yet all the way down. Just masturbated and looked at semi pictures, no porn.
Coming out to do what I didn't do last time and get on here and say that I fell. And I hope that I will get back up and keep on coming, even tho I'm honestly a bit discouraged.
Does it actually get easier to live without porn and masturbation at some point? This stuff is my sleeping aid, my anti-stress medication, my antidote to boredom, my escape from loneliness - how do I live without it?

Slowly

Yes, it gets much easier, if you take the right steps. Like to avoid triggers, remove easy access etc. and you rewire your brain and body.

HeChochma wrote on 26 Oct 2023 23:46:

It does. With time, patience, hard work, and Siyata Dishmaya. Give yourself a hug, you're on your way.
Realizing that you are using pornography and masturbation to avoid loneliness and stress is an incredibly important awareness. You know that it's not that you want it for what it is, it's that you're using it as a means to an end, to numb the agony that sometimes is living. Do they work that effectively? Are there other, better ways?  If you could tap into other, perhaps better ways, would you have the same question?

Here's a warm hand,
Chaim Oigen   

HeChochma wrote on 26 Oct 2023 23:46:

Someone who is addicted to lust lives in a perpetual cycle, that alternates between three basic states.

1) Void: A feeling of a deep void of "I need, need need". Not a very happy state, to say the least.

2) Giving in: Letting go to "supposedly" fill the void.

3) Depression: A deep inner depression for feeling powerless to break free of this viscous cycle, of living a double life and living against one's own's beliefs and standards... These feelings lead to another void, and so, back to state 1.

What a sad and pathetic existence such a man lives.

You need to know, it is possible to break free! It may take some mental and spiritual surgery, but it is well worth it. We have to be willing to let G-d take it away from us, as we pray " Mal es livaveinu le'ahavah uleyira es shimecha" - "circumcise our hearts to love and fear you". Sometimes these things have become deeply ingrained in our sub-conscious. We need to give it up and let G-d take away this aspect of our lives that is destroying us from within. And if you make the journey and break free, not only have you earned your place in the world to come, but in this world too, none of the three depressing states that we mentioned above will remain with you. Life will suddenly take on new meaning and happiness.

chaimoigen wrote on 27 Oct 2023 13:01:

Thank you for the chizuk! It definitely took me a few years of work before I was able to get a clear picture of how I use masturbation and pornography to avoid difficult feelings. I always knew it theoretically - but I am able to actually see it in real time now.
As for "other better ways" of coping - theoretically, I'm all in. But I've never had the experience of anything working consistently to deal with, stress, loneliness, sleeplessness, anger, fear etc.
Reaching out to people is something I'm trying now, but people aren't always available and they don't always have the presence of mind to listen - altho the guys here are exceptional, I must say.
I'm really just worried as I start this journey with a level of maturity I never had before - Am I always going to be "substituting" for my addiction with knock-offs, trying something to relieve my difficulty and wishing I could have my little crutch back?
What is the healthy way to deal with all of these things?
I don't mean to ask for advice I mean to ask for experience. As my therapist says "All the advice given in the world isn't worth one experience shared." Which is why I'm asking the oilam here - you guys have experience with this - to the exclusion of anyone else I know.
What is the experience like of not having your addiction? What is in its place? How does it feel to have the new comfort instead of the old comfort? Does it sometimes not work? Is that upsetting? How do you deal with that?
Thanks guys for all the help, you really are incredible!!!

Of course there are bouts of withdrawal, and moments of wistfully thinking "if only i could do it - i miss it so much".  The stress relieving replacements are not as inexpensive, take time, and don't always give that "bang".  All that being said, it is very gratifying to BH be clean.

Thank you, Hashem Help Me. I appreciate the honesty of that response.
It's important for me to know this as I try to make headway here - because part of my last few falls was due to the tough discovery that alternate ways of dealing with stress are not "zila leh, pritza leh, nicha leh" - cheap, easy and fast - the way porn and masturbation are. But they also don't ruin your life, jeopardize your self-esteem and olam haba, lower the quality of your relationships, and lead to addiction.
So... I guess it's worth it to be clean.
It's just hard for me to hold on to that rock-bottom attitude of how horrible it is to be at a fall when all you want is a little one time escape at a particularly stressful time after a few weeks of being clean. Like, let a guy live a little, I'm just trying to make it through the day!
I have to work on keeping in mind that it doesn't work like that and that little slip is just the beginning of a long and miserable fall. AND I have to hold in mind EMUNA that I can survive without porn and masturbation.
I can. I will not die. I will not go crazy. I will not implode. I just need to express my pent up negative energy in another way - talking, writing, exercising - and I will slowly come down from all of the tension.
It's really emuna for me as I have never survived without this in all of my life as a thinking human (since 6). So hearing that life is good without porn and masturbation again and again is really helpful for me.
Day 3 - Almost back up to a grand four day streak here, and that masturbation hasn't led to worse things, bh.
Thank you everyone for your help.

Do you have an accountability partner/chaver?

Yes, it is so much better. From experience.

Imagine the difference between being addicted or free to smoking. Either always busy and pressured to get the next hit, or being clear-headed and able to live life and having zero interest in smoking. I

t's a different world and you will get there. It "just" takes some will and hard work.

hachochma
Hashem helpo me is offering you for him to be your partner.

Grab the oppurtunity with 2 hands.

From experience, having someone you can call or text can make all the difference. 

It’s about so much more than having someone to hold you accountable. It’s about connecting all parts of your life to reality. It’s about having someone to talk to who understands. It’s about having a connection in the face of the howling emptiness that we sometimes feel, and the difference a hand to hold can make. And there are special, experienced people here who can give you support and practical, wise advice that can help when you are going through a trying time. There are many more reasons, too. 

Iyov had everything taken from him but his friends. Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz famously said that for the Satan to take his friends away would have been the same as killing him, and the Satan was forbidden to kill him. 

Happy to discuss further. Reach out to some of the special people here- you’ll see new life. 

Chaim Oigen

@Eyes - thanks for the push - officially on the boat with Mori V'Rabi Hashem Help Me. Here's to day 5.
@Chaim - Thank you for the deep insight on the power of connection. As an addict I can't ignore the disaster of disconnection. I see how people here on GYE pursue connection with unabashed courage, indefatigable persistence and true dedication. It's strange to me how stark of a contrast it is to the world that I live in, a world with so little focus and infinitely less time for connection. Everyone runs about their own lives, in their own little world, and we get together for tachlisdike purposes but how many people are carrying one another's burden, feeling and knowing each other's struggles (even in other less sensitive areas).
@Frank.Lee - Thank you, it's good to hear that - I watched my father quit smoking at 36, it was tough, but he was so happy to be rid of it. I know that the sex drive is not something to be rid of, but living without the "addiction" part of it does sound great!
@Hashem Help Me - Thanks for picking me up :-)