This is painful to read, friend.
Would you care to share a bit more? Why are you feeling a collapse of the ideals and paradigms that you have recently adopted? Why the sense of Yiyush?
It doesn't feel like you are feeling the darkness creep up on you because of the inevitability of a fall and the futility of resistance.
Rather, it seems that you are saying that because you are feeling the creep of darkness and despair, you are therefore "losing" your tenacious hold on the (incredible) progress you've made this far. What is source of the darkness??

Hang tight, Tom. The snakes are real, but you can control them, with help from Above.
You are far stronger than you know, I think.

Here with you - take my hand. You'll make it, I swear.

youknowwho wrote on 03 Jan 2024 03:57:

I feel you talking in my voice, or is it the other way? Whatever. I really feel for you. What helped me in these situations was reaching out... As far as the spiritual freeze lmk when you get an answer to that im still looking. BTW I dont know who.

youknowwho wrote on 03 Jan 2024 03:57:

Yes you can.

It might be disappointing that you are facing a struggle. You have a long history of success and you should be able to make it through this struggle as well. Exercise, Connection, Urge Surfing, and finding things to do that I enjoy (behavioral activation) got me out of situations of stress and despair. When possible, it is worth dealing with the stressors themselves and resolving them. You might also find speeches of Rabbi Elimelech Biderman or someone else very useful. It might be worth reading TBOTG so you are well prepared if you have an urge. Keep up your good work. We are rooting for you.

chaimoigen wrote on 03 Jan 2024 04:20:

You are far stronger than you think, I know.

Life has been gettin' tough and it can make a man's brain go wild -
Keep Monster Trucking -
You are my inspiration!
Rooting for you!

First off, Hang in there; you know that many people are pulling for you. It is scary but very eye-opening to see someone with your track record still struggle like I do, a person who has trouble going three days.

This post taught me that it is a long road ahead and there is no "quick fix"... You are a role model, and you are a teacher, but you are also a man with the same problem all of us here have.  The YH is a crafty patient foe. It doesn't quit easily. It will wait in the shadows for as long as it needs, but you are stronger, and you will fight back and ultimately defeat him!

Dear Friends,

After such a morbidly despondent post, I owe it to you all to give an update!

You all wrote such beautiful things.

I am doing much better, directly due to the chizuk, support and care that you all gave me.

I can’t tell you how much it all means to me, to have friends here who understand this struggle all too well and offer their time and support.

I also spoke to some friends on the phone. I always marvel at how people have time and emotional space for others, it’s so amazing!! But I want to let you all know…I appreciate it.

Back on track, with pride!

I’ve been told I can do it, that its worth it, that its possible. I take it from you and ONLY you, no one else!

You, friends, who have stared down this struggle in the face and triumphed.

You, friends, who have chosen life over living death.

I’ve had many friends in my life, friends who have called me “family”, friends who spoke much about love and fellowship.

But when I started expressing doubt, questions…when I left the community behind, suddenly, I wasn’t family. Suddenly I was the enemy. It had always been about “us versus them”, I just never realized that. And now, I had joined “them”.

Not so here. I think it’s safe to say that a friend made on this website is a true friend, a deep bond of unconditional, nonjudgmental friendship, through sharing in a common struggle. And friends here genuinely care about you as an individual, your life, general wellbeing, everything.

Here’s to hope, strength, friends and a life made worth living.

Here’s to GYE!!!

amen

I can relate to what you are going through and I'm actually parallel to you on the rollercoaster. The days I feel that I'm not really capable of ever stopping to objectify and fantasize about the beautiful piece of art God created, that we call a 'woman', I'm a big fan of beauty in all areas, it's just who I am. But I have the beauty I looking for inside my house and I don't appreciate it because I let my eyes wander (actually purposely lurk) to the huge variety there's out there, I don't know why I'm rambling now when it's erev shabbos and I don't know if what I wrote makes any sense, but anyway... Let's hold on tight together! We can do this!

#Skirts&WigsorBikini

true_self wrote on 05 Jan 2024 11:19:

#Both….

Oooof! I'm always late

Storms, ice, hail and thunder

Form high in the clouds, they tear me asunder

Emotions raging, like a rapid river

Always taking from me, seldom a giver

For decades, the path was to numb and ignore

Those feelings grew cold and frozen in store

My pacifier was porn and masturbation

Ogling at girls, to my consternation,

It killed me inside, little by little,

Felt like a zombie, drooling with spittle

G-d opened His treasure trove, found GYE

Found Hope in the Dark, start to break free,

But those emotions, oh how they stay,

Take me on journeys, so far away,

Feel them more than ever, crashing

Like lions in a cage, violently thrashing

Friends! You all here can relate,

The loneliness of existence, sometimes you alleviate,

Yet something deep within my soul, yearning

Cries out for something deeper, its burning,

A connection to a Higher Being, G-D Almighty,

Plumb the depths of His Torah, soaring and flighty,

Soothe the ache, I know it will,

Twill calm the storm of Life, a healing Pill.

youknowwho wrote on 01 Feb 2024 18:35:

Totally relate 1000000%. We each have our own storms, our own stories, and the friendships we have really help. But there's a yearning for something more, something that stabilizes life, something that gives that constant infusion of contentment. And BH we have the same answer: Learn Torah. I recently started a new program of learning. It improved my life, BH

It hurts to feel
the ache of discontent and disconnect 
like a sick infected tooth, rotting.

It hurts to feel
the sting of loss and past regrets
like a hollow empty tightness in the bottom of you stomach 

It hurts to feel
the press of might-have-beens 
as a sand-grain in the eye and with a gritty mouth 

it hurts to feel
the lonely shadows creep…
a soul entrapped in darkness, standing at the window. 

But herein lies the feeling of the itch of growth 
of healing as the sinews start to stretch.
Just as seeds rot in the depth of verdant earth
and leave their form behind
to send a  shoot 
UP. 

So shall you, my friend discover
                   rising tendrils
of green shoots
                in the tangled verdant garden 
of your blessed heart and mind
searching
UP.

climb the ladder, find the rung

There’s daylight up there , climb!

quickening handhelds up until the sunlight dapples

And you will find the Fire
White on Black
and write it on the soulscape of your mind

my friend.

“What a man knows isn’t important. It’s what he is that counts” -Joe Starret

Kind of a loner, he was.

Wrapped up in his past. Quiet and soft spoken, but with a subtle sense of power and purpose you just couldn’t miss. Rode on his horse through a quaint little town in the middle of nowhere and made a friend or two. Did some good, kind things, too. Stuff that needed to be done because no one else would. Taught a kid his morbid life’s philosophy.

“With us he spoke freely enough. We were, in some subtle way, his folks. Though we had taken him in, you had the feeling that he had adopted us. But with others he was reserved; courteous and soft-spoken, yet withdrawn beyond a line of his own making.”

“There are some things you don't ask a man. Not if you respect him. He's entitled to stake his claim to what he considers private to himself alone.”

Deep down, he knows a sad song. He was a singer who already blew his shot. He stands up on that station, all alone.

“A man is what he is, Bob, and there’s no breaking the mold. I tried that and I’ve lost.” -Shane

He tried making peace with his demons, but they wanted no peace. Tried breaking the mold, but can he run away from the past?

The time had come. It was time to face what he already always knew. It was time to leave the little town and those that inhabited it. Its hard to leave, yes. But it was even harder to stay. His soul would know no rest...

...“Shane! Shane! Come Back Shane!” …little Joey called out to the lone man on a horse, silhouetted in the darkness.  

Shane did not look back, but rode off, through the old cemetery, and up towards the Grand Tetons Mountains.

He was the man who ride into our little valley out of the heart of the great glowing West and when his work was done rode back whence he had come and he was Shane.