The Dude Abides.

Dearest YouTube,

You are so amazing!

What can I say?

You present endless opportunities. Limitless passive entertainment. A mindless escape into the realm of Nowhere, nestled somewhere between Nothingness and Emptiness.

You wink at me, seductively luring me into your clutches. I can still think I’m being “good”, because, hey, it’s not a romance movie or porn.

I enter your comfortable, cozy lair, for hours a week, forgetting everything as I press further and further into the fog.

But you are fooling me. And I’ve been had.

You present me with enough material to feed my “high”, enough material to feed my lust.

You are wasting my time. My days, my weeks, my months and my years.

You are wasting my life away. I only have one, do I really wish to squander it?

You are nothing but a hoax.

I stumble away from my encounter with you, drained and empty.

Never fulfilled, never satisfied or exhilarated.

Others here have spoken of hating you, a white-hot hatred.

I couldn’t relate, it even rubbed me the wrong way… I was still so into you!

But today is different. Today is day one of me working on that mindset, the mindset of hating you.

I don’t think it happens overnight, but it will come.

I will hate you, my dear YouTube. Oh yes, and how I will hate you!

You’ve brought me nothing but trouble. And so, you will be discarded, a toxic influence, thrown away with the rest of them. You will go the way of porn, masturbation, ya know…all those wonderful, beautiful things that promise so much happiness yet deliver a load of miserable, empty window-dressing.

I wish you much continued success! May you continue consuming the minds of billions of human beings from all corners of the earth…just not mine!

-YKW

And friends stand in the bleachers, listening with bated breath, as their dear friend makes his discoveries, and firmly puts his foot down. As he finishes his fantastic short speech, they erupt in cheering! We are all different now! We watch the transformation of a dedicated individual, and it affects us all! WOW! We have another win for the team, another inspiration to help us all forward....
On high the angels watch, as mere mortals not only win over the angel who seeks to destroy them, they celebrate their win! Those angels, envious, turn to the Great Almighty G-d, and declare מי כעמך ישראל גוי אחד בארץ!!! And the Almighty smiles, having known all along what His special children are capable of!

There's a question that’s been slowly growing in the dark crevices of my mind. Gnawing at me and slowly but surely chiseling away at my resolve.

I’ve shared this question with some dear friends offline, yet would like to share it here, with some thoughts.

Question: Life as it was in the past, being addicted to porn and masturbation, was miserable.

Now that I don’t watch porn or masturbate…surprise! Life can still feel miserable, sometimes. It’s not utopia…Can I say with confidence that now my life is so rosy? No, I don’t see how everything else got so much better. Some days are hard, I feel powerless and want to succumb. I am left to deal with those emotions that drove me to porn in the first place, yet now there’s no escape!

Isn’t that even worse?

What’s the point of not falling?

Something that helped me, was actually following that train of thought, from start to finish. I won’t get too graphic here, but I started to picture it all in my mind.

The hunt for the prefect clip, hours upon hours of relentless pursuit. The sheer desperation, the complete haze and numbness as I stumble, shake and gasp to the finish line. Finally, hours later, spent and weak kneed, I turn up to face myself in the mirror. I hate myself. Why? Just why? What the heck have I done? So now I’m happy?!

But that was only good for a little while, before long it was rinse and repeat.

And so, for me the answer is clear…yes, there are days that are really challenging. Days that bring along difficult emotions. Days where I even stumble into lust, I see a pretty girl and it drives me bonkers. Fine. It’s still a lot better that going through hell again, and I won’t trade it for anything in the world.

Sometimes, we forget what it was like. Its normal to forget. But we can use our imagination, talk it through with a friend, but don’t let yourself truly forget what a Gehinnom it really is to be ensnared in porn and masturbation without a hope of ever seeing a way out.

Okay, that feels a whole lot better, maybe life is rosy after all...

-YKW

A very sharp arrow of painful truth, directly between the eyes,

     as young Tom Riddle, he looks in the mirror, to see what he doesn't despise,

For the bang-ups and scrapes in a day full of feeling, can fill a man with pain and strife.

      Yet in throbbing of heartbeats and heartbreak, unnumbed: is the rhythm of living a life.



מאן דבעי חיים

I can relate to your question, I think it's more of a feeling of uncertainty, no direction, and simply blah-ness. Some days I feel like a shaken champagne bottle that’s about to explode and I’m like why is my filter too tight? Why can't I look at this one thing? Big deal, I'm anyway not in a good mood.

But as you wrote the fact is that we will go for that tingling ich within us, we will feel even more blah than we did before. Also, when we’re feeling blah about something but we don’t give in to our urges, we ultimately have that feeling of victory vs giving in will make us feel much worse.

Another point that helps me is that there is a bigger picture here – we are focusing on our ultimate goal. Yes, when have a urge we have to focus on the moment to overcome it but ultimately we are working on achieving our ultimate goal of breaking free. So even if you are feeling so blah about something that you don’t even have the energy to feel the victory of not giving in, but you are working on your end goal, everything you are doing is helping you get close to that. Even if you push off the urge and maybe at the end of the day you have a semi-fall, that’s still a win, 1. Because it was semi and 2. You put in a lot of effort in pushing off the urge and that makes you stronger.

Ad Kan Omrim Shabbos Hagodol,

youknowwho wrote on 18 Apr 2024 03:36:

I identify with this post. Thank you.

I don't know if it works so well with to remember how miserable I was (am?) when I watch porn. The misery is far away and the porn is close. For me, this approach is helpful when times are good to focus on how much happier I am clean. When times are bad it's hard to remember that. 

A slightly different approach I'm working on (from the easy-peasy method) is to drill into my head that I'm not a porn-watching-person anymore. I'm a different person now. This person still has urges, but porn is not part of this person's weltanschauung. So what if life is miserable? Why does that relate to porn? My misery needs a solution, but porn is not a solution in this person's toolbox.



I don't want to get distracted from this powerful post. But it's interesting how we get so wrapped up in the struggle and shame and the whole negative parsha that we think "if only if I could fix this life would be great." But that's not true. There's always gonna be another mountain. Just hypothesizing here, but it could be there's two explanations for this phenomena. First, that's just how people are wired that whatever problem we are faced with we think everything would be great if not for this problem. Second, and more likely, porn is a major, life affecting problem. our lives are better without this problem. But we get used to the freedom and start focusing on our other problems. Meaning, if with porn we have 100 problem units. Without porn we have don't have 99 problem units, we are down to 55. But now we focus in on the 55 and forget to be happy about the 45 we're no longer staring down the barrel of.
Probably the solution is something cheesy like gratitude.

chooseurname wrote on 18 Apr 2024 16:52:

Terrific Shiur Klalli.
I’m going to chazer the points to get them Klohr. 

1. To help one feel motivated, It maybe be easier to focus on the pleasure of a clean present than to struggle to remember and feel the agony of the past. 

2. Welcome to the non-smokerporner club. Life is different when you’re a no-smoker. There are stresses and strains but what does that have to do with cigarettes porn, anyways? 

3. You see: “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something”. So really, given that truth, the problems that arise in life cannot ever justify the negative method of escape, for that pain is a fundamental part of life, and will always be there regardless. Other methods and ways of living must be found, if one is to live. 

4. Being involved in porn etc is a major life problem in-and-of itself. So the problems of “lifeing” are reduced when you join the non smoker club. Granted, new patterns must be found and that’s not so easy for a guy hooked on the wrong ones. But that’s what has to happen if he is to learn to LIVE. 

I think that was the gist. 

These are great, thought-provoking points. Great stuff.

I’m sure if a contrarian would want to weigh in, he could counter that delicious porn and lust is a good distraction from the existential pain of livin’, better than any other he knows of, and these thoughts don’t necessarily help a guy who isn’t feeling them. And he might say that sometimes the problem of porn is not as great as the problems dealing with feeling the pain in life without a numbing agent. It would hurt to hear that. 

But I’d yet counter that a persons feelings reflect their cognitions, more often than one would care to admit, and clarity is a great thing, a can help tremendously.  Even taking into account the sometimes-great distance between the head and the heart.

yeah, there are different types of problems in life. It’s not easy.  But For me, I choose to live even if it’s painful at times, because even though the heightened clarity may sometimes cut like glass, nevertheless it’s clear and has sharp, defined colors, and catches and refracts the light. Ain’t goin back to the twisted pink haziness, ever. 

Now I will go back to the work I was supposed to be doing. With gratitude for the discussion, the wisdom and the friendships. 

KOMT, 

Chaim

I definitely feel like the process of slipping and eventually falling was a result of me forgetting the feeling of complete and utter desperation that led me to be willing to admit that I was an addict, consider going to SA, and being ready to do whatever I had to. Including joining GYE. (Baruch Hashem the wise men here helped me see what an addict is and why I'm not one, and why SA wasn't for me.)

The conclusion of the Vidduy we say at least 20 times a year (I Daven Nussach Ashkenaz) ends with סרנו ממצותך ולא שוה לנו.
The Cheshbon Hanefesh of Vidduy should bring us to a point where we recognize that we haven't addressed the underlying things that drove us off track in the first place, rather we just continued the same dysfunctional behavior, which actually unfortunately worsens things. So, as long as I have stored somewhere in the back of my head that feeling, when the chance comes up to fall, I'm not just pitting it against my streak of whatever number of days, I have a concrete idea of what hell I'd be putting myself into by falling. But when I forget what it can be like, that is when I've lost my way.

In a related post from Dov:

You are saying just what I have posted about so many times, and about which some posters guys get upset about or just shrug their shoulders and walk away: 1- I expect no schar whatsoever for my sobriety. 2- And I do not consider my sobriety a madreigah in any respect. And by the (very) same token, 3- I do not expect more sex from my wife because I 'held back and was faithful to her'.

I do, however, expect the same little smile and wink from Hashem that He probably gives all the sober alcoholics, pillheads, gamblers, and perverts who die sober and in recovery, as they pass by on their way 'up there' to their Big Judgement. Perhaps a nod, that conveys: "Hey, I know you had it rough, good job, dear. So glad you could join the rest of the human race."

That's about all.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe He will give me a ticker tape parade down Shvilei D'rakia Avenue. None of my business, and I am not interested.

The day I need to get paid extra because I am a recovering addict, I will be in grave danger. The greatest danger is that I will drop my sobriety when I see that I am not getting paid enough! And that is the same whether the person 'paying' me is G-d (with schar, a feeling of deveikus, or a fun life here), my wife (with admiration, sex, or whatever), or people (with whatever I'd want from them).

youknowwho wrote on 18 Apr 2024 03:36:

Being away over YT, I hadn't seen this gevaldige post, my friend. One major point I take away is the power of the opportunity to put your thoughts into words on this forum, and to watch the emotions change from the beginning of the post to the end.
My friend, if I may add. I haven't seen anybody promise that sobriety brings bliss. No. But sobriety does guarantee that you'll be living life the way it was meant to be lived. And yes, life has its miserable days, sometimes. Life has its challenges. Life also has its extremely difficult days. But when we are sober, we will live life the way it was meant to be lived. How should we cope if we can't escape to an alternate reality? There are many wonderful ideas out there. I'm sure a professional can give more ideas than I can, so I'll just mention a few:
Living with goals, with a system to meet them, so your life feels worthwhile living. (Goals is a very broad word, including ruchniyus and gashmiyus)
Leaning about G-d's plan, and internalizing that we, and all that happens to us, is part of all of that.
Working on upping our tolerance level.
Talking to friends (maybe this should be number one:))

Dear friend, thanks for being here and adding your un-imitationable (no, there's no such word) flavor here!

Oh Dear YKW, 

I knkew that deep down under the snake- red eyes, slit nose and high pitched cold voice, you have a warn yidisha heart beating. 
I have nothing to add to your post, you said everything i had in my mind. I feel excatly the same. 
But, I know that I am doing the right thing! Get clean or die trying! 

Hey, Reb YKW! We haven't heard from you in a while. Other than the occasional grouch, and pearls of wisdom on other people's threads... But what's up in your neck of the woods? How are you doing?

Bennyh wrote on 18 Jun 2024 18:46:

Bennyh, how did you know I was actually typing this up as you paged me?

Mental telepathy? 

Here goes:

Dearest Friends,

I am approaching 365 days since I joined GYE.

Although I am not really in the headspace of writing or sharing much, I am pushing myself, because I think it is important to note these developments as I move along on this journey.

It would have been so nice to write about how unbelievably amazing these last 365 days have been. It would have been nice to write about how my relationship with Torah, mitzvos and learning has so dramatically improved.

It would have been nice to talk about how much closer I feel to Hashem, how much closer I feel to a life that is fulfilling and satisfying.

However, I cannot write anything like that. Nothing of the sort.

A year ago, I arrived to this website, completely beaten, bloody and battered by lust, porn, video chats and masturbation. They were constant, obsessive and intense. And it was really getting progressively worse. I do believe that I was fully addicted to it, much like one would be addicted to drugs.

I was, by the grace of G-D, able to kick the heavy stuff pretty much cold turkey, for I had hit my rock bottom. Without getting into graphic details of what that rock bottom was, I was indeed ready to let go of porn and masturbation and managed to stay away from those behaviors for most of this year. I did not feel like I was white knuckling at all, for the most part.

But the general guarding of my eyes was not really on my radar. Sometimes I had some nice periods of time during this year when I was “cleaner” in that sense of the word, but not much.

Towards the end of the year, I slowly slipped, more and more, until I fell completely. That was hard. It hurts. I wish I could be more. I wanted more. I wanted to have certain things behind me, as they appear to be for others, but they aren’t for me.

Sometimes, the lust is so very intense, especially after that first little slip, and it gets really hard to stop sliding after that. Other times, its calmer and easier.

My spirituality, my relationship to Hashem and His Torah, are still frozen in time. I thought I would be doing better, but it still hurts. I sometimes feel cynical, skeptical, doubtful, despondent and apathetic.

I know I’m sounding pretty morbid, so that is enough of that! I am not morbid. I am not giving up. I am not lost forever. Here are some of the absolutely amazing things that have happened over the past year:

Firstly, I have gained lots clarity and confidence that the path I have chosen is correct. I cannot share details publicly, but that means leaving behind a very different way of life, which was all encompassing and pervasive. I am no longer mentally enslaved.

I am free.

I am alive.

Another thing: I’ve been able to let go of a lot of toxic, negative emotions. I’ve tried to forgive without being forgiven, tried to love back without being loved. Tried to look at someone with compassion and sadness, rather than vindictive hatred. The anger that simmered on the front burner for a long while, has now found its way to a very far back burner. This has happened through a lot of prayer, meditation, and the tears and sometimes tough love of the friends I have made on this forum.

Lastly, although I have fallen, I need to tell myself about all the real progress I’ve made. From chronic, constant porn and masturbation, I’ve come to slip and dip into it minimally. From watching mostly soft-core movies, I’ve gone to watching light, happy stuff for the most part. From listening to secular music without a cheshbon, I’ve learned to proudly set myself some red lines.

And last, but certainly not least…I’ve made some very dear, amazing and close friends here this past year. Y’all know who you are, and I want you to know, how I appreciate you all so very much. I would not be where I am today without each and every one of you. Thank you.

You’ll never know how much it means to me…

I look forward to the future with hope, that this progress will lead to more. A more spiritual life and a cleaner life. As long as I am alive, there is hope. I really do believe that Hashem is with me, every step of the way.

Signing off for now,

-YKW

Hey buddy!
I can’t believe I never came across this thread before. I haven’t gone through all of it but I definitely relate both to the title and your latest post.

Abandoning lustful thoughts and behaviors while struggling with Yiddishkeit is much harder-in fact, overcoming any challenge while struggling with Yiddishkeit is hard, because you lose a lot of your sense of self worth, objective meaning and purpose, faith in your future etc. At least for me. But I digress.

I also relate to your frustration with your lack of the kind of progress you would have like to see. I’ve been on and off this site for over 7 years, and I still feel like I’m nowhere near where I want to be.

But like I saw elsewhere on this forum: “If it was easy-GYE wouldn’t exist. If it was impossible-GYE wouldn’t exist either”.

Wishing you success in your continued efforts. 

Also, feel free to PM if you’d like to chat. I’m always happy to make new friends on here, and maybe we can help support each other. 

All the best!
OivedElokim

youknowwho wrote on 18 Jun 2024 19:21:

I do have a very handy butler who keeps me abreast of the goings on in the minds of my friends...

And now to the meat and potatoes of your post.

I don't know, to me this sounds like an ocean of progress, as you yourself acknowledge at the end.

Unfortunately, I know all too well that it's not all rainbows and unicorns on the other side. You can conquer porn and masturbation, but that doesn't mean that the skies open up and the angels suddenly start singing in falsetto.

It sounds like there are huge issues in your life and past that you still have to work through. And that's okay. You have accomplished a tremendous amount, basically all on your own. You get the credit. 

It's frustrating that we don't feel like some other fairytale threads on this forum. Those people might have less complicated lives/histories/family dynamics in general, and their one big issue was P/M. So conquering that unlocks the yodeling angels. But others have a lot more going on inside, and, while conquering P/M is vitally important, it's not the be and end all of living happily ever after.

So what am I even saying? I'm not 100% positive (it's hard to think straight as I'm sitting in a noisy office with people potentially looking over my shoulder at my screen), but I think you have every right to a) be proud of what you've accomplished and b) at the very same time, be okay with the frozen feelings. One does not necessarily effect the other.

Your very dear friend, 

Benny