Hi. I'm very serious about maintaining my Ben Torah status, and in all other areas of life (limud, midos, etc.) I BH have done a pretty good job at doing so, but the area of shmiras habris is the one thing that I can't get rid of no matter how hard I try and it breaks my heart that I can't get past this seeming addiction. I have had some solid streaks of cleanliness, and during those times I feel so much closer to Hashem and feel so much less guilty learning Torah, and during those times I'm extremely careful about shmiras Ha'einayim, etc. However, at a certain point, unfortunately so far the streaks have all come to an end, either as a result of a stam major taiva that I succumb to, or just random boredom that suddenly results in me having committed such a horrible sin. I'm not sure if it's an actual addiction, given that it can be very infrequent (though when I started out about 4 years ago it was much more consistent, BH this year I've made major strides in streaks), but whatever it is I just can't get past it. Nobody in the world has any idea about this problem, and I really don't want to tell anyone, but I'm thinking I might have to, though I'm not sure who to turn to about this. Also, one of the biggest issues is my mother's ipad has unfiltered access and I unfortunately have asked her the code before, and she's not going to get a filter on it. I'm not home so much (learning in yeshiva), and at those point, when I don't ahve access to the unfiltered ipad, it's certainly better, But what seems to be the biggest problem is even if I don't have access to such high level pritzus, there seems to be a constant desire to be מוציא זרע לבטלה, so whatever I have access to at these times of נפילה would be unfortunately sufficient (though, of course, the greater the access, the more likely it is and the more ideas pop into my mind). Whatever it is, I can't seem to shake this, and I made a commitment to myself that I would need at least 30 clean days before starting out in Shidduchim (which I know, for a committed boy who has struggled with this in the past and pushes past it, is a great "solution" to the problem), which I would like to start the process in ASAP. I had an 11 day streak going, Rosh Hashana included. I had an incredible Rosh Hashana davening experience and I think I was really מתעורר בתשובה about this topic and made serious commitments and בקשות to Hashem to save me from this נסיון, and I thought it was looking good from there, especially given that I had also made the 30 day resolution for shidduchim before Rosh Hashana, and all the momentum was pointing in the right direction. However, today, sitting and learning on Tzom Gedalia, I became really tired and unable to focus, and all I could think of was my curiosity for this particular challenge, and I remembered my mother's ipad. I kept trying to tell myself it wasn't happenign adn make it clear to myself that this is not a thing for a Ben Torah to do anytime, and especially on Tzom Gedalia right after Rosh Hashana. But, רחמנא ליצלן, towards the late afternoon one thing lead to another and before you know it, I was back in the same place I was almost 12 days ago, feeling lower than ever. I just wanted to share this situation to spread awareness of this issue and to seek advice on how I could get past this, as this is clearly a time of reformation and תשובה. If anyone has any recommendations, advice, opportunities or tefillos I would appreciate anything, and I'm very grateful to this community for helping struggling people with this extraordinarily complicated issue. Shkoyach

shmira1234 wrote on 18 Sep 2023 21:32:

Oish. Been there done that. You have come to the right place. We have all been were you have been. The end -all this is it, or right after Y"K, after the strongest kabbalos, or any type of this is it moment you can imagine! For some there have been a hundred! Its normal, and you are not bad or a failure. You are definitely not risk of having your ben Torah status revoked. Great decision to reach out and keep on posting!

Have you read the book on he battle of the generation? A different perspective could do wonders for you. Count the times you successfully resist. Don’t count your falls.

An accountability partner/chaver can be extremely helpful.

Welcome!! You've come to the right place. There are many people here who have been in a very similar situation to the one you're describing, and with a lot of hard work, Siyata Dishmaya, and the tools and support that are available on GYE have broken free of their shackles. The Battle of the Generation and a Chaver/Partner as Vehkam and HHM (two very incredible, helpful and inspiring people, btw) mentioned are great tools. But please look around, make yourself comfortable, and B'ezras Hashem you'll find support, strength, and the solution you're looking for and become a better person as a result. Hatzlocha Rabba!

If you have a rebbe that you are very close with, it might be a good idea to talk with him about it. Trust me, if he has been at his post for long enough, he has heard a lot more than you think. Hatzlacha! And dont feel down on yourself. Thats one of the ways the yetzer hara gets you!

I like your title "help." Although this is an extraordinarily complex issue, it is also very simple. You need help. help from others, help from Hashem. And you've come to the right place to get it. 

Reaching out for help is the game changer. There is a lot of good material to read, and strategies to learn. But most importantly, keep posting, and take in the fact that you are not alone. 

I believe that you are sincerely a ben Torah, and you should believe it too. I think it is the commitment to overcome that most defines you, more than where you are holding with your struggle at any particular time. And if you retain your commitment after falling over and again, then all the more so!



Having an unfiltered internet access around regularly is not an easy problem. Try discussing with people on the forum, or an accountability partner, how you could find strategies. I have found it is important for me to try to hold hilchos yichud with an unfiltered device - meaning never be in private with such a device where I know no one will walk in on me. Knowing where you are vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness.



Don't let the Yetzer Hara take over with the emotional rollercoaster. The main success comes from proactive actions like learning about the topic, posting on the forum, and implementing strategies. Not from strong emotional reactions to a fall, which can lead to extreme and ineffective decisions. That's not to say you should bury your emotions, but just that that's not where your decisions should come from. 



I found it helpful that whenever I have a challenge, I speak it out, in actual words, and daven before Hashem. I admit that I am powerless to overcome this challenge on my own and ask for Help from Hashem, my Father in Heaven. ("Let go and let God" in the language of the 12 steps. Although I personally prefer to use terminology that sounds more Jewish. Jews and Goyim are not the same. And we are different in this also). 



Bracha, Hatzlacha, v'Gmar Chasimah Tova.

 

Hashem Help Me wrote on 19 Sep 2023 02:49:

אמת

Link to The Battle of the Generation is below in my signature. It is available as a free ebook, or you can buy a softcover copy on Amazon for about $10.

syataDshmaya wrote on 19 Sep 2023 12:06:

I really like this line

Feel free to reach out to me.

Hatzlacha, you can do this!

syataDshmaya wrote on 19 Sep 2023 12:06:

Amazing!

Hi! You have definitely come to the right place. As a ben Torah myself, I identify with a lot of what you wrote. There's a lot of wonderful advice in the posts above. And as you'll see, being part of of a wonderful group of people with whom you can be open about this can really help you. My friend, please stick around, and keep us posted
I'll add a little quote from our friend yud909 that literally changed my perspective
 "Even though this past year was probably my worst year in a long time, I don't have a accurate cheshbon but I probably fell over 50 times. So I had over 300 days that I wasn't doing those things. That's who I am. I am an eved Hashem. I am a good father. I am a good husband. I am koveia ittim to Torah. I come to davening on time and daven from beginning to end without talking and looking at my phone. The list goes on and on. I refuse to not respect myself and define my self based on the minority of my time spent doing deplorable actions."
My friend, reach out to HHM or Chaim oigen, you will not regret it. I also thought I'll never talk to anyone, I just can't. Today I see that It was THE game changer.
Keep us posted!​

Rumor has it that a fellow named Eerie is wonderful to talk to as well…