Wow! I sense a lot of pain and yearning in those words. Although, I don’t have an answer to your question I would like to make a suggestion. From experience, reframing challenges can be very helpful in recovery. I ask “what is a challenge”? There are two ways to view a challenge 1. An obstacle 2. A stepping stone. The difference between them is drastic. With choice 1 you may feel down, dejected, and weak. Which in turn will sap your reserve of strength to continue battling. With choice 2 you get purpose, commitment, and strength, breeding a positive battleground, which is one of the keys to recovery ( my opinion). I’ve found a parable on gye that sums this up pretty well.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

The nimshal: we ask hashem save us, free us from these shackles, from darkness. But with a little reframing we go from despair to realizing that these opportunities are given to us so that we can step up and shine, unlocking our best selves. Good luck on your journey! Rooting for you!