In November, I made the biggest mistake of my life.

Except that I made a bigger mistake of not really doing anything about my problems even earlier.  While I make attempts and do hold on for a while (at a minimal level), in the end, I do break down and commit the worst.

As I have been married for a while, logically I feel as though I should not have these issues anymore.  But I am still trapped.  Only because I have come across with new health problems do I finally realize that I have to be serious this time.  I hope that G-d can forgive me.

So what happened in November?  Well, I had imagined for a few days that I was due to have a special night with my wife because my secular birthday was coming up.  My wife has been very good to me in so many ways, and has even kept up with decent S frequency due to my increased libido.  But she works very hard and generally comes to bed tired and our intimacy is extremely vanilla.  I was hoping for really special (including oral stimulation which she only rarely agrees to), but she bled which meant that we had to postpone.  The bleeding was unexpected as she had only gone to mikveh a few days earlier.

Unfortunately, I just lost it.  I M'd excessively that day due to anger.  (In retrospect this surprised me, since over the previous few months I had been pretty good on not M (Hz"l) during my wife's tuma days, even though I had been terrible about looking at things.  Somehow I thought I had been over this part of the addiction, as I generally do pray for Hashem to withhold my urges to M, even though I had not been as careful with images.)

The excessive M has led to urinary pain and frequency issues.  (Secondarily, sexual problems have also resulted but not sever enough to warrant treatment.)  Overactive bladder or prostatitis or enlarged prostate - not really sure of a diagnosis, but I have been seeing doctors and physical therapists without the issue fully resolving, although some of the medicines have led to some symptom improvement.  I may need surgery, Hashem Yerachem.  (I am so sorry for abusing myself and abusing the Torah.)

My doctors have dismissed the connection between M and my health issues, but I know that this is middah knegged middah for abuse of that makom that handles both urinary and sexual functions.

So while I know that none of you can help with the health issues, I have come to realize that I can still try to do something about my addiction issues that I know got me to this mess.  Yes, I may not be doing this completely lishma, but I hope that if G-d sees that I am really trying to address the addiction, G-d will help me with the health issues.  And maybe if I can overcome the addiction while I am suffering, I can maintain overcoming this addiction if/when the health issues resolve. 

My wife is partially aware of my problems given that she is aware of my medical condition and given that I admitted to her that I believe I caused this by M.  (Like the doctors she dismissed the connection.)  She is also aware that I have some problems with shmirat einayim, but is not fully aware of the extent.  She would (rightfully) divorce me if she had full understanding, but I am extremely lucky that she is being very supportive of me as I work through the struggles of both health issues and addiction.

So I am looking for hizuk, support, practical suggestions to get beyond this, with the understanding that I am also not physically healthy anymore and I do suffer pain and frequency issues in my makom and some erectile dysfunction as well.

Whereas a few years ago, I would have said that I was just somebody who committed a very common aveira that is rampant in the secular world, I now realize that I am actually a severe addict and that simply installing filters will not be enough.

I am also happy to provide warnings to others to keep on fighting and to not become as bad as me.  Stop everything or you might relapse into M (and from occasional M to frequent M which does in fact lead to health problems as one gets older, despite what the secular world will say).  M is not only one of the biggest aveiros, it does lead to actual health problems.  Especially Prostatitis.

In short,I seek feedback:

HELP!

Provide hizuk!

Provide suggestions!

I really want this addiction to end and I do not want to relapse again.

Stick around! This can be the start of a real change and tshuva! Dont beat yourself up, you are a good person and if your right and Hashem is sending you a message you are even more special! Hashem believes in you and we do to! Try the Flight 2 Freedom program its a game changer!

Thank you for your kind words.  I will try to beat this problem with Hashem's help.

You're certainly in the right place for that .
I'm sorry for all the hardships that you've been going through.
Keep on posting and become part of this wonderful brotherhood.
Hatzlocha

My dear friend, I'm so sorry for the pain and hardship. May hashem help you see the end of it soon. And please stick around, welcome to the family, we care about you, we want to hear from you, we want to know how you are, so please keep sharing. There are many good things to learn on this site, so spend some time here, connect to the chevrah, and beH you'll get past this issue. 

Thank you.  I have to keep up with this.

I know it would break the spirit of anonymity to actually list my Hebrew name, but at least in spirit we can all daven for each other.  I especially feel the need to be davened for given the health issues that I experience, even if not yet determined to be life threatening (which is a condition some hold to be on a mishaberach list).  

I'll try to keep up with this, as it may help me in the end.  So many people have been helped by this.  I know that I can as well.

Hashem has been very good to me in the past, and I have blown it.  But despite my failings, I hope Hashem is still with me and will help me with both of my problems.

Hashem is always with you. In the Torah it says "I am Hashem who took you out of Egypt". It does not say "who created heaven and earth. This is to teach us that he is our Hashem even when we are on the lowest levels of impurity as the Jews were in Egypt (see nesivos shalom)

That is a beautfiul statement.  Thank you.

I know Hashem has been with me in the past and has helped me get through many challenges that at the time seemed insurmountable like difficulties with finding a job and difficulties in the shidduchim process.  Fortunately, I have gone through those.

My current problems though seem so insurmountable as I suffer from physical ailments as well.  They don't seem to be resolving.  My once good health is just a memory.  While I know Hashem can heal me, (and I hope Hashem does), I also know that there are many people who live their lives with chronic condtions or die young r"l.  We cannot predict Hashem's desire or understand some of the things he does.

Yes, Hashem is with me.  I just hope to have enough confidence to keep up the fight on both health issues and the addiction issues.

I really feel you. Just know that if Hahshem gave you these tests He has confidence in you!

Almost shabbos,

Quick post.

I feel so hypocritical.  I outwardly present so religious, yet I do this terrible aveira.  I had been given so many oppotunities to get myself better, but I always reverted back again and again.

Then, I rationalized that looking and lusting was not so bad so long as I didn't hz"l.  Why was I so stupid?  How could I have thought that I could just look at stuff briefly for a dopamine fix and then go on with my day without the knowledge that I would eventually succumb to hz"l.

This is where I am.  I overdid hz"l so bad that I did it multiple times that day and got myself in a very bad health predicament.  (See first post of the thread.)

Looking forward to moving ahead.  Even if I cannot get my health restored, maybe I can work at myself and be better about these isssues.

I now know that I am a full scale addict.  In the secular world, I was probably just like an average guy who looks for breif periods to calm down and then gets on with life.  I thought that was where I was.  But now I know better.  Glad to be here to look forward to getting help, wished I did it sooner.

I am such a bad sinner that I know I fully deserve my current pain and health predicaments.

But in the back of my mind, I am accepting the advice of those who posted here to say that Hashem still beleives in me and maybe if I believe in myself I can get back to where I was (both spiritually and healthwise).

My friend, I cannot fully comprehend your pain, which is real and understandable. It has different layers, and perhaps each need to be dealt with. But I'd like to make one point, besides letting you know that there are people who care, here. If your feelings of guilt are helping you stay away from pornography and are helping you keep stronger in shmiras einayim, then you have have real charata, and it can be part of your teshuva process. But if you feel so far gone that you cannot be helped, then your feelings of guilt are themselves wrong, unhelpful, and counterproductive. The point here is to do right starting from now. Whatever we did yesterday is done; perhaps there is a time to deal with that, but now is not that time. Today, we need to deal with today. Today, we can have a great day. Just because yesterday may have been bad, does that mean today has to be too? And if you feel like you don't even deserve a good day, you should know that many of us have probably felt that way, and it is understandable, but it is also unhelpful. We can help ourselves! We are in this together

My Holy friend, please download The Battle of the Generation (link is below in my signature) and read Appendix A (page 345) to help you out of this mental muck created by your yetzer hara. Your negative view on yourself is dragging you down, plus it's too harsh.

You can do this!

Captain wrote on 20 Aug 2023 02:47:

What he said