Hello GYE community,
I am finally ready to break free. I have been struggling with PMO since ninth grade. I had some short successes and moments of freedom, but all attempts to end my behavior failed. Now, sitting in Yeshiva, I find myself back to my old habits. It is killing me. I feel like a prisoner, like I will never escape this endless cycle of addiction and pain. What's most difficult is the feeling that I am a fake, an imposter. I am living a double life. I am becoming depressed and I can't handle stress without turning to PMO. I hate myself. I have tried countless times to stop, but to no avail. I feel I have nowhere else to turn. I finally realized I need to reach out for help. I can't do this alone. So, I plead with you to please help me. 

hashemlovesyou123 wrote on 19 Jun 2023 11:33:

Welcome to GYE! 
you've done a great step by reaching out for help, Hashem will surely help you get out of this..
Also, you need to realize that you are NOT alone! We are living in extremely challenging times and many people are struggling like you. At the same time many have also recovered and so will you with Hashem's help.

It's very important to realize that this struggle is very normal, and everybody deals with it on some level or another. Having a desire for this doesn’t mean that there is anything negative about a person. We say twice daily in Shema, - do not explore inappropriate sights, after which you stray. The passuk is addressing every person in every generation. Even chashuve people and those who lived centuries ago had to deal with this issue. Likewise, when talking about this desire, Chazal tell us - that a person’s nefesh craves it.

Chazal aren’t referring specifically to bad people; they are addressing every single person. When a bachur realizes this, he won’t condemn himself as being no good when he encounters a nisayon. If, however, a bachur gets upset at himself, then he won’t be able to move forward in the healing process. Instead, he will claim that he is doomed for failure due to what he perceives as an abnormal challenge.

It's very important to CONNECT with someone.  Several times, Hashem repeated, “It is good” in the creation story. Do you remember what broke his streak? When he saw man alone, he said, “It is not good.” Sure enough, man got in trouble when he isolated. You need to surround yourself with a few friends, a recovery group, and an accountability partner.
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Find someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. And finally, have someone who can cheer you on and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!

Welcome to the family, my dear friend! You have definitely come to the right place, and beh you'll learn the things that will help you break free. Chief among them is the power of community. We are here for you, we care about you, and we want to hear from you. There is so much to learn, so please stick around and keep sharing with us!

And by the way, Hashem loves you even before you get to 3! I also like that you wrote that "Hashem loves you", meaning the readers of your posts. I will just remind you that he also loves YOU! Keep trucking!

Thank you for the responses. I decided I will try to harness the power of the community to share my experience and realize I am not alone. I had a difficult setback last night, but I am optimistic about today. I'm learning to implement my plan and think consciously before I act. Hashem does love me, even with all my imperfections. 

Welcome to the community.
You are not the only one that feels/felt all those painful feelings that you described, Thank god, You have just embarked on your journey to freedom, by realizing that you need to reach out to help, because nobody can do this alone.
We are here for you, No need to carry your burden all by yourself, Stick around (as Eerie said), make some friend, and never give up!!!
Indeed Hashem does love You!

Wishing you all the best upon your journey.
True self

How's it going? Uv'e left us in suspense!!!

Hi everyone,
Thank you very much for the support. I wanted to share a success story to be mechazeik myself and others. Last night I was having a very difficult time and I had a strong urge. However, I used the STAR technique to think about my real priorities in life and what I really wanted. I was able to take a step back and make a decision that I was happy with. Baruch HAshem I was able to defeat the yetzer hara. This made me feel powerful over the yetzer hara and now I have hope for the rest of this journey. IY'H I will be able to keep this up. Everyone here has really helped me tremendously and I am truly appreciative. I will hopefully keep up my thread in the future. 

Dear HLY, You are doing a great job, keep it up! keep beating your YH and listen to your true self that wants to choose good over evil.
We are all here for you and rooting for your success.
Please keep us updated when things go well and even when its not as great....

Wishing You much success in your battle.
True self

Welcome!

Looking forward to watching and participating in your growth.

Hatzlacha! 

Welcome! I'm pretty new here, too.
It is amazing to discover how the rules of the battle change when you are not fighting it lonely and alone. 
Keep us in the loop, we are in this together. 
Looking forward to learn from you!  

Hi Everyone, 
Thank you so much for the support and for making me feel like I'm not alone. After a week clean, I had a fall today. I was very tired and had little motivation, and I failed to even attempt at using my strategies. Afterwards I felt like I had wasted all the progress I had made and that I am right back to where I started. It is difficult to get the enthusiasm back. Has anyone else ever experienced this? What  are some tips to stay motivated and focused on my true desire and goal to break free from PMO?

Also, does anyone else feel like their struggles make it difficult to be motivated to learn Torah? Sometimes I feel isolated and that I have no real direction so that I feel like my learning has no purpose.

Yes and yes to above

As far as I know and think, we all go through this struggle, falling after several attempts. And thinking that we are back to were we started. So we all are familiar with these thoughts.
And, yes, it's part of the struggle, to understand that "every single try, [even if we fell] stays ours for ever"!