when people ask for advice here, they mean to ask what worked for other people who were in the same situation and how they dealt with those difficulties. rarely are people looking for a psak

cordnoy wrote on 08 Jun 2023 03:40:

Thanks Cord’

I agree with you in concept.

There is one important point that must be made - many prominent rabbis are not really well versed with too much experience on such questions, and in reality this is a very serious situation which oftentimes directly affects the marriage!!

So I would hesitate to say we tell everyone to listen to the rabbi of their choice.
Btw some therapists also reside under a rock, so tread carefully there too. 

Ask a rabbi / professional who is in the trenches on the topic. 
I trust you have someone like this. 

Whatever you do, don’t take anonymous mesages on the forum too seriously (with the exception of mine!!). 

Speak to someone in the real!

Thank you everyone for ur input. 
I’m ok but I think the things I needed to hear which were reassuring I heard. I don’t need a massive back and forth. The main things I needed to hear was that it’s possible to live a fully normal married life. In terms of arguing please don’t fight on my post. We are all supposed to be helping each other. All of us need chizuk that’s why we’re here. I’m not looking for a psak from anyone but my poiskim and I’m also not interested in anyone here arguing in halocha in matters that none of us know very well. The gist of what I’ve gained from this post is that I know it’s possible to be happily married with the issues I’ve had, but I need to keep on working on myself. 
__________

Zag xx wrote on 08 Jun 2023 06:17:

And with this we can bring an end to the whole argument....
"אמר רבי שמעון בן חלפתא, לא מצא הקדוש ברוך הוא כלי מחזיק ברכה לישראל אלא השלום, שנאמר "ה' עוז לעמו יתן, ה' יברך את עמו בשלום".

Omain thank you

Zag xx wrote on 08 Jun 2023 06:17:

This post is a wake up call to remind us what we're really here for (and what not) . 

• The forum is not a place for arguing. The only way to win an argument is to avoid it. You can never win any argument.
• We are all here to be helping each other. All of us need chizuk that’s why we’re here.
• The forum is not a place to give Halachic advice, especially in sensitive matters where each case is so unique.

Foolie wrote on 08 Jun 2023 04:04:

You can call it an agenda, you can call it an axe, you can call it whatever you want. No matter how hard you try there is zero justification for hiding such a crucial piece of information about yourself from the person you are about to marry. Have a nice day.

In your not so humble opinion. Have a great day

Settle down children
we’re all on the same boat 
don’t drill holes 

Foolie wrote on 08 Jun 2023 16:51:

Foolie I like your posts!

It’s nothing to do with humility (The gold medal is mine already, he came too late!!!!!)

He feels passionately about his opinion, which no one can argue has a grain of truth. 

I would ask Gye to automate a post footer for everyone saying “This is what works / would work for me. 

This and a lechaim with y’all”

It would lower the heat and trim this thread to half the size 

Markz wrote on 08 Jun 2023 17:42:

1000%
Only the Mazel tov's and all warm wishes would remain... 

Never posted before , but I feel the urge to say something.
The one thing that you seem to be forgetting Dear Mr. trying is probably the most important.
This is mostly a website used by Frum Yidden.
As such any decisions about something as sensitive as this is to be made exclusively by a persons Rav Hopefully in conjunction with his therapist.

Seems like Zagg is doing exactly what he is supposed to be whether you agree or not.
He may be in for a slightly bumpy ride but he at least knows that he is doing the right thing

Trying99 wrote on 08 Jun 2023 18:10:

Lose the holier than thou attitude buddy it looks very poor on you

I wanna point out that the mechaber of this thread did not ask advice about tellin' his future wife or not; that was determined by his Rabbis and perhaps therapist (although I'm not sure I'm rememberin' that accurately). He asked about his future feelin's and how it may effect his marriage.

Personally, I would've liked if he asked about his wife's feelin's as well, and sadly, I didn't notice that in any of his posts, maybe one. I'm sure, however, that is on his mind as well.

Regardless, it does seem that he is comfortable with his decision of not disclosin' and he has some level of assurance that marriage may be ok for him.

Godspeed to all

cordnoy wrote on 08 Jun 2023 19:13:

Presumably his (future) wife's feelings is part of the considerations of his Rabbi/Rebbi/therapist/etc. when guiding him. 
On this forum he is asking about his own feelings, hopes, fears etc.


Oh BTW Zag, Mazel Tov! May you be Zoche to a happy and fulfilling marriage.

P.S. been there, done that