Willdoit Omain and thanks 

Its astonishing that people throw advice:

To someone they don't know, about a situation they don't know...

This is not a game. Its @Zag xx's life!

I see there is a thank you button under people's posts. It may be time to add a dissatisfaction button as well.  My mind can't even process how in the world somebody can give you any advice on such a complicated matter on this forum.  I am totally baffled.

KI Sorisa, I'm with you. My friend Zag, stick to the advice Cordnoy and some others have given, and keep up the amazing work of talking to your Rebbeim and therapists. Yours is a very delicate situation that nobody here should really be answering. Ask them your questions, and follow their advice. When you are deciding what to serve as a side dish, come back and ask the oilam.
We are here to be your support team, your friends, your comrades. Now, will it be kugel or cole slaw?

Foolie wrote on 07 Jun 2023 21:22:

This is incredibly manipulative. It is not an either or, either you hide this fact about yourself from your wife or you end up dead. There is a middle ground. I have some close friends who told their wife about their orientation before they got married and their wives accepted them and still married them. 

The amount of disrespect that I see on this forum towards women is really astounding. This is not about telling your wife everything about your past but generally within heterosexual relationships there's an expectation that the person you are marrying is also a heterosexual, if that is not the case then the person has a right to know and to make an informed decision.

willdoit wrote on 07 Jun 2023 21:53:

He literally asked for advice. 

Trying99 wrote on 08 Jun 2023 01:03:

As you say, life is rarely ever black and white. That is why we consult with real people. Preferably someone who knows us well or at least some who can weigh the nuances honestly...  

P.s. the advice being given is to consult before disclosure, how is that disrespectful?

Shmuel wrote on 08 Jun 2023 01:39:

Anything short of telling your future spouse the whole truth about yourself is disrespectful. Any Rov or pasken who tells you otherwise is demonstrating that they too do not respect the feelings of the straight spouse. 

Dear Zag XX

Mazal Tov on your upcoming Simcha!

as someone with a… history, to say the least, what I can say worked for me was to listen to the advice of my Rabanim who said pretty much what yours are telling you. 

In my case, I did mention in a very very VERY vague and general manner that I did struggle with inyanei kedusha as well as substances in my past and that i had worked on that area for many years. And at the time of my engagement and marriage I was in a good place, albeit temporarily (which I would find out in the future).

I did not get into details or excessively discuss the nature of my challenges, and to this day my wife never really asked for nor did I share the exact details, which were quite irrelevant. The main thing was that I had worked on it, and when it came up in our marriage that I still worked to overcome it.  I have very recently taken drastic steps toward overcoming and conquering my addictions in a fundamental and foundational manner. I hope to succeed and thank my Creator for every day of sobriety for the strength to overcome my tests. 

I had to open up to my wife about the nature of the struggles over the years, if only to be more honest and open with her. she is my biggest supporter in overcoming my challenges. She is also a person who is hurt the most when i fall, and she is the person who - besides for myself -  I am the  most motivated to change my lifestyle for. But I must emphasize the point that this discussion has taken place over many years and in an extremely gradual manner.

as much is any young couple thinks that they know each other, you are literally two strangers who are committing to share a life together. Easy does it, and the deeper your connection and relationship and trust between each other is, the more you can share and lean on each other.  

It’s not a simple matter, and in fact it is an excessively personal matter, but it can also be something that will act as the superglue that bonds you and your wife together.

so bottom line, share with the guidance of your mentors. Very sparingly and minimally at first - the very minimum possible. And continue to work on your challenges. Share with your wife that you are working to perfect yourself using the tests and tools that your Creater has given you in this world. 

learn to love yourself and too love your wife for who you are, and not for who you want people to think you are or even the person you’d like to be. Love YOU. And she will love you too.  

Hashem made us human, and that’s OK. 

Or just do whatever you want. 

your life, your choice

 Hatzlacha!

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 08 Jun 2023 02:00:

You seem to be forgetting or omitting that it's not just his life, it's his soon to wife's life also. 

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 08 Jun 2023 01:58:

☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️
Would like to get your thoughts on the above, Trying 99

 something is really bothering you

 what is it?

Trying99 wrote on 08 Jun 2023 01:46:

Utter nonsense!

My personal leanin's would be towards telling somethin', but for you (unless you're the gadol hador in somethin') to state unequivocally that your way is correct and any Rav/mentor/specialist who disagrees with his highness is disrespectin' women is simply hogwash, especially on account that you never met the groom or the bride.

I don't mind strong opinions, I even have some occasionally, but dissin' the professionals or those with experience because it doesn't fit what you think is just ridiculous and basically the product of the woke culture in which we live in today.

Godspeed to all

Anyone who believes we are being manipulative has every right to leave the forum

Trying99 wrote on 08 Jun 2023 01:03:

It’s nice how you take a specific piece of personal information that was meant in reference to one person’s situation and then twist it to your own needs so you can once again make the point that you think we have no respect for our wives because we didn’t spill our guts on your timetable. Rather it is you who has an axe to grind and a specific agenda you are trying to push and this isn’t the place for it