Hi Dear brothers,

I’m finally mustering the courage to post about myself. I’ve been here for about a year and have mostly been lurking, chatting with others and reading others thread. 

I am 30 years old and married with children b”h and am struggling ever since before my bar mitzva.
I tend to live with a huge sense of yiush and if I’m being honest with myself I don’t know that I’m ready to roll up my sleeves and and work really hard to stop and give up my lustful actions. A big part of me doesn’t feel like it wants to and this was a big part in holding back from posting But then there is that other part of me silently crying and handcuff waiting for its salvation. I’m really torn if you can’t tell. 

Im kinda feeling very vulnerable right now but pushing myself to post about myself as many have encouraged me to do so.  I hope that it leads me in the right direction. I will iyh write more of an introduction with my journey in following posts 

please don’t scare me away ( I know you won’t cognitively but still feeling scared of your reactions) 

Thanks!

Hi, it seems many people test the waters before jumping in with a direct, personal post. No worries! Welcome! I saw GYE advertised for years before I was willing to come here. I am so pleasantly surprised. Please don't allow the side that wants to continue run over the side that wants to stop. At least here you can air out both sides and clarify things for yourself. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

My dear brother - welcome.
Took me a while too. I know, too well, how it feels to not be sure if you want to jump in or stay away. I just joined and I am happy I did.
You are courageous. In your heart of hearts you want to grow, to LIVE, to be who you really are. You can learn how.
Writing your post was opening a door to a new Ohr, new Chayim.
There are unbelievable Chaveirim here to learn from, to cry with, to lean on.
With Hakadosh Boruch Hu, everything is possible.  
There is hope.

Welcome and congratulations on this amazing step that you've done to post about yourself - such true and healthy courage! 
Keep on posting and stay connected. We need you!

Some  suggestions:
- Find your personal motivations to stop, if you're not sure what that may be,  look through other posts and see what resonates with you. I would suggest looking for a positive (as opposed to dont want to burn in gehonim forever.) As I and many others have experienced one thing to look forward to is a better and more meaningful relationship with your wife. 
-90 days is great, but that can seem too daunting especially to those of us who have been caught in this trap for so long and have a sense of yiush. Try a shorter term goal even something like a week. Celebrate the short term victories!
-Have a conversation with a live person. This can help with the first suggestion as well.
- Try and remove all easy access to those things that are triggers. 

To sort of echo eraygrand, if you’re looking to conquer the mountain in a single bound you’ll get frustrated quickly. If you take baby steps eventually you’ll get where you are going 

Welcome.
Glad to have you here, sorry you have to be here...

Welcome!!!
Very brave of you to come out and post despite feeling vulnerable.
The only one scaring you away is your Yetzer Hara, nobody here is judging you, just the opposite, we are here to support you & to be with you along your journey to freedom, and b"H you have just embarked on that journey!
Keep on posting and choosing to listen to the true part of you that wants freedom from all kinds of lust, of course it won't happen overnight.
Don't give up and show us your hidden potentials.

Wishing you all the best!
True self.

@Ki sorisa, just saying hi 2 a good friend!!

Hey, welcome to an old friend! 
If I were you I would follow Eray's suggestions to the T. While Reb Chaim is right that in your heart of hearts you want to stop all the unhealthy behavior, but you have to refine and identify the reasons that you want to change. And then keep reviewing it. 
There are many great things here, and I hope that you'll stick around and connect with the chevra. Being a part of the oilam here is a very powerful tool in so many ways. Looking forward to hearing more from you! 

Hey! Welcome! 

I was wondering when and if you would join. I saw you around. Stalking the stalker

Let's go!!

Thank you everyone for your warm welcomes and responses and hi to all my old friends. It really meant a lot to me I really appreciate it!  

I'm sort of sitting here wanting to type but no words are coming forth. Feeling a little at a loss how to proceed as I'm not exactly sure where to start or what to share first. I'd appreciate any suggestions.

For now I'l share how I'm feeling today as it will hopefully help me get it out of my system. also a random thought I had based on it. 

I'm not feeling very good about myself today and am hurting very much. ( I'd rather not disclose what brought me too it this specific time)  At one point I felt very overwhelmed and I tuned in and davened a silent Tefilah as these stormy feelings of sadness rocked my heart. 
In that moment I had a thought. The  Possuk says   "Veohavat es hashem elokecha becol levocha" and chazal say "Avodah shebelev zuh hi tefilah" 
Maybe  "BECHOL levovcha" could mean we should harness our emotions that we may have even not during the designated times of tefilah and channel them into a form of tefilah and not let them go by without turning them over to our father.

Not sure if this teitch makes any sense intellectually but posting anyway.  (yes Im feeling vulnerable and am fragile)


for now all the best my dear brothers and friends. you are all truly amazing people. 

Ki Sorisa wrote on 08 Jun 2023 18:53:

Thank you for sharing that. I think it may be good pshat because halachically you are supposed to say the words and not limit tefilla to avoda shebalev. But according to your vort there may be tzvei dinim. On the one hand there is a specific chovas tefilla during designated times, and that taka has a halacha of being motzi the specific words bapeh. On the other hand, there is tefilla shebalev, which is whenever we have something on our mind, and perhaps that does not require saying the thought out loud. This reminds me of the famous nefesh hachaim about having in mind yichud hashem, which does not require speaking. I can hardly think of a greater avoda shebalev, and speech is not the point. Anyway, your point about channeling our emotions into a tefilla is a wonderful idea, at least I like it a lot, and it can also be very therapeutic, because instead of just being angry or frustrated or happy etc., we can direct the feeling towards hashem and it is a way of connecting.

Here is the nefesh hachaim:

I just want to add my voice to the chorus of welcomes that you received here. It's always great to hear someone else take the plunge and begin to post about themselves. I have only been with GYE for a couple of months and it has been a tremendous help. The two things that have helped the most for me are:
1. Posting - Just getting my feeling out there and hearing others respond in a way that shows they really get it is so validating and helpful.
2. Connecting - When I finally got the courage to reach out to others and actually talk to them, it created a support system for me that can be extremely useful during challenging times. Just as an example, someone I "met" here texted me last night because I had told him a few days ago that I was not in such a great place and he was checking in on me to see how I'm doing. Do you know what an amazing feeling that is? (Thank you Eerie). So stick around, keep posting (at your own pace) and when you're ready, reach out and connect with the oilam here. I wish you all the best.