Now days my davening is different, I stand and beg Hashem in a very discreet way to help me and give me the koach I need to stay strong.

Don’t know how to make a poll so until then:

if you could choose one group to live in the rest of your life:

A. Person struggling to overcome addiction and overcoming discomfort and pain every day. Sometimes making a lot of money, and sometimes going with nothing for a long stretches of time, and sometimes falling into all kinds of debt. Being accused of things he didn’t do, and having to re-learn basic skills on how to be a decent human being.


VS. 

B. A person whose brain chemistry is stable, consistently, financially secure, maybe from a grandparent’s trust fund that requires milestones and check ins to get the money or from some
other source like a stable and well paying job. Grew up with a team of therapist on mentors to support him along the way.



What would you rather?

I have to be stupid to choose group A. Why should i choose to suffer ?
Rather, if you find yourself in group A, make your situation similar to group B, its possible.
My life, wife, job, income, social anxiety, and what not, had changed 360 degrees in the past 10 years.
And yes, Hashem is testing me daily sometimes weekly to see if I am sincere.

Do your share and leave the rest for God.
You should find a mentor + a Ruv to get guidance.
Go live with nice people, daven with nice people and run away from people who make your life hell.

I have been sober in sexaholics Anonymous, a 12 step fellowship, for 26 years one day at a time and I don't want to be in either category you describe above. My life is completely different than the first category you offer and 99% of the sober (gentile as well as frum Jewish) people I know in SA don't fit the first category you give at all, boruch Hashem. 

As far as the second category, I don't consider that a desireable life, either, because I don't see any reference to a partnership with G-d , in it. How is that a beautiful life? Maybe It is for some people, but not for this free and sober addict.  Thanks for letting me share that here. And thanks for your honesty on this thread. 

The people in Group A it seems live without any hope and the people in Group B it seems are soulless robots I know I’m kinda repeating what Dov said but I wouldn’t want to be in either one of these groups 

So what’s group C look like?

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 31 May 2023 02:22:

How about people who have struggles some more than others and understand that there is a higher power who is running the world even when things really seem to suck and they surrender themselves to that concept to one degree or another. Just throwing that out there 

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 31 May 2023 02:22:

Group C are people who take responsibility and take the steps to recover.
If you change, your surroundings will changed as well.
Dov, was the first person I spoke back in 2019, give him a call, he has so much experience and really wants to help. 

I C


on a bright note, started my day drug free and prayed shacharit with a minyan this morning 

I also pushed away hateful thoughts about the bad man that is bothering me 

Hi, I don't write much here, but I follow your story here for a while already, and I must say that I really look up to you how you keep pushing and pushing without giving in, yes the way is not always smooth, but nevertheless you keep up pushing and striving ahead and forward, so I can encourage you to just keep on going, keep on pushing, and may we all reach great heights together.

I just came across an amazing lecture that I think every addict can benefit from, take a look in my signature and take the time to listen to it, I think you'll like it.

keep up your amazing work, it's not easy but it's great.

Thanks for the chizuk YTW and I’ll check it out soon 

does YTW stand for you’re the winner? 

I am feeling like a loser today, even though I know that I am winning by not listening to the demons inside and pushing me to go to use, porn, alcohol, drugs, masturbation. 

Made no money today and yesterday, but I am hopeful for the future. Still not starving.

Am I the lucky one in that I have been given the test as well as  the tools to overcome these challenges?

Feeling like my head is spinning

The one comfort I have is that I recently discovered that there is such a thing as a narcissist, and the more I research the topic the more I realize that this is the personality disorder that the person who is pursuing me has (or at least seems to have). A narcissist is the ultimate _______ (fill in the blank). He loves playing the victim. He can dish out pain all day long, but cannot handle the slightest negative comment.

When I showed up to give this narcissist a two-figure check on my five figure balance, he first flattered me, then he flipped out on me and started pursuing me, and trying to harm me after he pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the numbers. I also happen to have found him in a dorm behind closed door, sitting on a bed next to a teenage boy sitting on another bed, having an intimate conversation. 

that is not normal. But I am not surprised that an abuser and narcissist would do such a thing.

I got a psak from a leading Dayan in NY to nullify the pledge before a Beit Din of 3 rabanim. nobody has the right to uses institutional money donated by congregation to buy women’s lingerie and Uggs. It’s also very stupid to have an alcoholic secretary who leaves credit card statements laying around on her desk.

I am making an effort, and I feel like I am slowly, but surely making progress on moving on from this difficult episode with this difficult person formally involved with my life. 

I am not the criminal. 

I am not the bad guy.

I am just a person with many demons who is trying to become better. 

I can’t change other people, but I can change how I think about, and react to them… and I’m trying to internalize that concept deep within my soul.

I have found that when dealing with a narcissist the easiest way to deal with them with out letting them get to you is call them out on everything you are able to, I don’t know the intricacies of your relationship with this fellow, but calling him out on his bs should help somewhat if you are in a position to do so 

Being that from your many posts, people may make assumptions (correct or incorrect) which kehilla and individual you are referring to, maybe it's best not to get so specific about the misdeeds that individual is doing.

I watch a movie to escape yesterday, instead of M

Left it open and my wife found it

I feel like I’m spinning out

She said she feels like she doesn’t know who I am anymore

I feel like I’m struggling very much, but every small thing that happens becomes a big deal

Makes me want to run away even more

Should I just sit in a room all day doing nothing until the withdrawal passes?

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ytw wrote on 31 May 2023 15:26:

Wow. 
thank you for sharing!