I have not written or discussed my past much for a very long time as for me that is what it was, the past. But perhaps it is time for me to admit that i am not past my past as much as i would like to believe. Perhaps it will be cathartic, and perhaps explain why I am here today. I was a molested by a relative from ages 6 to twelve. At the time I just ignored it but as they say "the body keeps the score". I was a promising bachur and got accepted into one of the top yehivos here. From early on I started having ocd like symptoms. Shemoneh esrays would take 30 minutes shema close to that. I became obsessed with learning every second and in turn developed animosity towards my fellow students whom i felt leant better than me which in turn made me feel guilty and unworthy. It got so severe that when i heard their voice learning i would lose all focus and spiral into an obsessive anger spiral, "am i good enough does Hashem like me" I literally couldnt learn but i still did day in day out. i accomplished many great things but they meant nothing to me. I felt Hashem hated me and I would constantly pray he take my life. That turned into severe depression and suicidal thoughts. My anger was like a poison and I wanted to destroy all of the students who made me feel the way i did. I could not sleep at night and could not focus on shiur, which my rebbeim did not believe because i was oh so smart. they thought i just wasn't interested. I could go on and on about how this played out and what gehinom it was to live this way but i would have to write a book. Additionally, as many victims do, I developed SSA. It was like being in a school of girls as a young teenager. I felt awful and ashamed. I felt if people would only know what i was thinking... I lost all emotions. Could not feel any love disconnected myself from my parents and the rest of the world and I hated myself with a passion. I had no self esteem so i would tell my story to many people to try and cope or form connections. That didn't work but i did develope some codependent relationships and was told to stay away from by a parent which I guess made sense cause i was attracted to the kid but didn't make me feel any better. I hated Hashem for what he put me through and all the therapy I went through didn't change that. I started having bipolar like symptoms and was put on medication which really, really didn't help. Just made me addicted to it. I floundered through the Yeshiva system and did get some help along the way. With a combination of various therapies I slowly took myself out of my rut and started to live. But along the way being desperate to change my SSA I tried using P to try and change myself. It didn't really work... but it did gain me another problem. I got married which is a miracle because i did not know i was attracted to the opposite gender until that point. But marriage didn't stop the problems. I realized my wife had some extreme problems of her own which are not mine to disclose. Besides that things were constantly going wrong in our lives, we lost our house to a flood 3 months after buying just to name one. I want to believe Hashem is good and kind but the kind of suffering he puts me through sometimes brings back my old extreme emotions. I actually stopped P because I felt Hashem was punishing me for it and now have been clean thanks to that for over 90 days... Not really sure that its sustainable like this though. Maybe just enough to work on some real motivation. Now we are stuck in this tiny apartment uncertain what will be paid for and getting into fights all the time. I am really losing interest in her. Every once in a while I go back to my SSA fears and think maybe I should use P again. I really hope for the future but I really wish I could just live a normal life without disaster after disaster piling up. Anyone who has any thoughts or helpful advice... 
P.S. I found somatic therapy really helpful for trauma, it also is a useful tool for addictions it is definitely something that can help from my experience
Somatic Experiencing Therapy: Definition, Techniques, and Efficacy (verywellmind.com)

My dear lichtige friend, I read through your words, and my heart goes out for you. I have no words to comfort you, in their stead I send you my hug. Please continue to reach out to professionals, I know it is not easy. and there's a lot of hard work, but you can do it. Please let us know how you are, my friend

Dear Bright,
I feel your pain, and wishing you to find comfort and the right help.
Not comparing chv', but my growing up looked quiet similar, but instead of blaming all the people that ruined my life, I decided that I have suffered enough and I am not willing to suffer to death. 
It takes courage to seek help, and if you are shy like me its hell.

oysh, you went through so much...
i hope you find comfort and things atart getting better for you

Get to know your strength, you have it, and have had it all this time.  Every second you live, and every breath you take is an enormous accomplishment.


Trust HaShem this is the only way.

It's not for you, or for any mortal to try to understand or, make sense of whats going on.

Embrace your strength, your broken heart; and trust in HaShem to deliver you.


You are special, and we need you here.

Much love

Dear Bright!
(I've already sent you my sympathy & empathy via chat.)

I'm happy for you that you found the right place, I'm sure you already see (bH) how there are good people here paying attention to your feelings, and are here to help.
You can lean on us! and don't hesitate reaching out to some great people here (if you haven't yet).

All I can do (at the moment) is to be here for you, and pray.
I bless you that the word of king david "יהי חסדך ה' עלינו כאשר יחלנו לך" should be fulfilled may hashem have grace on you as you became sick for him (יחלנו מלשון חולי). And may you be zoche to see hashem's mercy & love.
You are a amazing person! don't let your feelings and pain define you! You have a lot of inner strength, and we are slowly starting to see it here.
"You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step"

Thinking of you 
True self.