Hi everyone, This is something I have been struggling with for a while. I have gone through many difficult things in my life throughout my teenage years. I really struggled through them but BH I got through many of them. One thing I picked up from this was an anger at Hashem, whom I felt was the source of my troubles. I couldn't even Daven one Tefilla without lashing out in anger. This made my life even more miserable than it already was; you cant hate Hashem in Yeshiva. Thanks to the help of a very good therapist I managed to "forgive" Him. Recently we went through a lot as a family, literally one thing after the next and it brought a lot of that anger and frustration with it. At times, I really  lose it with it, other times I feel like I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. Its actually one of the reasons i  got through 90 days because i felt what i was going through was because of my behaviors so maybe its not terrible... Any thoughts?

Welcome to the community Reb bright!
Here you can feel comfortable to write about your most insecure thoughts and feeling, and we are all here to listen, emphasize, accept, understand and to give some strength and encouragement to continue and never give up!
Its amazing and very courageous of you posting this.

First of all these thoughts are normal. I also feel the same when things get tough, and so do many of us, as human beings this is how we feel.
The fact that Hashem gave you all the hard challenges and nisyonos that you went through because he believes in you את אשר יאהב ד' יוכיח. (of course I do not know the reason why hashem made you go through all this, but this is what it states.)
I'm very sorry to hear that you went through all these difficult times, I really feel for you.
From now on you are not anymore alone, we are together with you, and always here to help you.
Its amazing that even after all you went through you still keep on fighting and not giving up! you are a live inspiration for me.
Looking forward to learn a lot from you and how you are managing to get through all this.
Remember that the truth is that Hashem loves you infinitely no matter what you do, just like you love you children and much more!!!

Wishing you all the best
True self

Welcome!

To echo TS, I too (and I'm sure many) struggle with these feelings throughout life's not so pleasant experiences, and it does sound as if you've gone though alot!

Let's do this together! 

I understand this and thanks for chazering! Still I have yet to come across anyone who actually has a way of dealing with it. It can trigger wanting to give up

bright wrote on 29 May 2023 18:07:

My friend.
Don't give up so fast... you just begun your journey here, hang around for a while and you will find people just like you, that can relate to your challenges and guide you through the tunnel until you will reach the light beH.
“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”
Always here to listen to you
True self.

I want to clarify something. I guess lmk what yall think. I believe there is a standard frustration people have when they go through lifes challenges, and in anger and frustration they point a finger at Hashem as a logical source for their problems, thinking "why me". To this person, maybe, messages like Nachum Ish Gamzu stories or platitudes like "gam zu ltova" may help. Although even here there is definitely a deeper meaning. Abstract concepts are generally not able to be used against real raw pain being felt at that moment. I believe real bitachon must be worked on for these mamarei chazal to be taken into context and for them to help. 
However, by me, I don't believe it is a logical problem. I spent my whole life blaming Him for the constant pain I was in. He was the supreme torturer. That being the case, these messages dont work as they are always being weighed against that which I have always felt to be true. Additionally, every new thing that happens is just additional proof to this. Its like being one of those "hashgacha pratis "people just for the bad things in life. I know its not factually true and have even made significant progress undoing this idea but internalizing it fully...

Dwelling on the positive is not just about generating a feeling of psychological well-being; it is also an actual investment in our future.
According to Chasidut, the words and feelings of gratitude that we express to Hashem for the blessings we already have in our lives actually become the vessels and vehicles for new blessings and abundance to flow into our lives.

In a certain sense, the expression of gratitude in the present begets what to be grateful for in the future.

If we want more good in our lives and in the world, we must actively acknowledge and deeply integrate the positive aspects of life that we are already experiencing and be grateful to Hashem, who provides that good.

To do this we must counter the natural tendency to focus on the negative aspects of life surrounding us. Not that we should blind ourselves to the many threats and dangers in our midst, but we must learn to actively dwell on the positive that we do possess so that we are not overwhelmed by constant anxiety and feelings of lack, which block the flow of blessings that Hashem wants to funnel into our lives.

I appreciate and know what you are saying to be true even from a secular perspective having a positive outlook is a huge if not the main factor in success. Like I said before this message works more for a type 1 struggler but for someone in my situation not so sure