Reb Chaim,
I hope you are ok today and heading into a healing Shabbos.
Kol tov

Buried under a pile of seforim, face aglow
as he slowly turned around - a big smile broke over his face
tried to hide it, from the rest of the cong.

Was a great shmooz! Didn't know about this agenda to try to make
me cry, guessing it was some sort of challenge from red - dw i'll get
you back one day!!!

Some heavy meeting today... Where am I?

yiftach wrote on 28 Jul 2024 23:26:

Hopefully in bed

Dear Chaverim, 

I mentioned that I and my family have been going through a difficult Nisayon the past few months.

Many of you have been Davening for us. Although Tefillos are still needed and appreciated , I want you to know that we have experienced tremendous Siyata Dishmaya and things are on a good path, Boruch Hashem. Hodu LaHashem. 

The friends who called and the ones I called. The ones who showed up. And the ones who cried torrents of tears for us- what words can I write? I simply can’t. Choking up here. To have such a support system?!? Doesn’t really exist elsewhere… and such guys? Ditto. I have no doubt that your Tefillos have had a tremendous impact.  No words. 

And how can I thank you all for the lessons I’ve learned  here?! These lessons have expressed themselves in other areas of Nisayon, in navigating Shalom Bayis during times of anguish, worry, grief and anxiety. I’ve learned so much. I’m a different person. I don’t think I could have managed this situation without what I’ve learned here. 

There are no adequate words of thanks. I’ll whisper the words I can’t write here in Tefilla to Hashem, for all of you, for all of us. 

May Hashem bless GYE and you all. 

And may Hashem wipe away all of your tears - and all of ours....

The Skulener Rebbe zatzal that was recently niftar once teitched - V'taher leebainu l'avdecha b'emes as follows. Sometimes one has a heavy weight on their heart that causes so much grief that it is oh so difficult to serve Hashem properly. The anguish is so great that one cannot even get the words out to daven for the yeshua. Therefore, we ask Him - V'taher leebainu - clean off our hearts/remove the painful issue, l'avdecha b'emes - so now we can serve You with a healthy clean heart.     May we all be zoche together with our yedid nefesh and yedid ne'eman R' Chaim to pain free hearts so we can serve Hashem....

I approach the large building, and pause for a moment, to let a gaggle of happily gesticulating women enter ahead of me. 

I have promised my daughter that I would go, cause Esmeralda is (b)otherwise engaged, and it’s very important that a parent attend tonight, for various reasons. 

 So a long, boring evening looms ahead of me, in halls and classrooms teeming with many, many mothers… (sigh)…

I whisper “הרחמן הוא יצילנו מן היצה״ר״”, paste a polite smile on my face and enter. 

In the past, in similar circumstances, I have managed to get through. Mostly unscathed. But…. I would make the effort to keep my eyes to myself, among the chorus of excited voices and happy greetings and laughter and smiles…. yet the constant awareness would persist… dancing devilish details dogging the peripherals of my vision like gnats…. Inadvertently noticing things that I would rather not (??!?).
I had concluded it’s a fact of life: A human male in such circumstances will necessarily notice stuff, be affected by it all,  efforts to the contrary notwithstanding… 

But that was before the magic of almost 500 days of Tahara…. 

I entered, and a Ruach of serenity enveloped me. I kept to the side, took notes, made politely friendly eye contact when necessary. There was an envelope of quietude and surety, a feeling of internal beauty surrounding me, I can’t explain it. I had no interest, I did not notice, I was a puffy white cloud in the brilliant blue sky, and I noticed that the lockers were different colors. I was a gentle spring breeze, as I waited so I wouldn’t walk directly behind everyone, I was walking down a crowded hallway, and my heart was on a sun-dappled mountain top.

Thank you, Hakadosh Boruch Hu, for granting me a taste of Tahara. A taste of living in an unsullied, beautiful place. A taste of what a Yid can be, something higher.

I know it won’t always be this way- You want me to keep growing, so there will be yet be challenges aplenty. The beast still lies in wait in my bloodstream, beside the door. He knows how to wear my face. 

But tonight I celebrate the heady, intoxicating, sweet taste of a rarified Chaim
- חיים ברצונו 
חיים שיש בהם ….
חיים שאין בהם… 

לחיים!! 
I can think of no greater motivation than to feel and taste the flavor of what life can be, lived this way
…I wonder what a thousand tastes like….

You, my brothers, are invited to join me in my joy. 
For I am tonight, an
איש החפץ חיים, אוהב ימים לראות טוב

Ah, R’ Chaim,

Who woulda thunk, but I actually know what you’re talking about, and it is deliciously gratifying to see this wondrous success you experienced! 

I’m wondering what’s going on in the pamalya shel maala; I bet Hashem called together his malachim to show them the massive flame of kedusha rising…. Where the yetzer hora bowed his head and acknowledged nitzchuni….. 

I’m joining you for a virtual leChaim and thank you for enhancing my day with such a joyful post!

Here’s wishing all our brothers here that we all experience this taste of living the way we were intended to…..

With a heart overflowing with love,
Muttel

Beautiful, CO!

Your an inspiration!

chaimoigen wrote on 17 Sep 2024 03:50:

Wow super inspiring, touched my heart!
Thanks so much for sharing and I can't wait for you to get to 500!!!

chaimoigen wrote on 17 Sep 2024 03:50:

You omitted the part where, for just a fleeting moment, you thought, "This would make an excellent post tomorrow."

thompson wrote on 17 Sep 2024 16:23:

Very true. 

When I focus on it, I’m not thrilled about the fact that I couldn’t get to where I am today alone. That I needed help. And part of what helps is the posting, which certainly has an element of posturing, reputation-building, and maybe arrogance. If I wouldn’t have created a system where it would be humiliating to report my falls, would I be here and clean? This is not something I enjoy thinking about. 

But you know what, I’m awfully glad I’m here, through Hashem’s grace, and have made these changes, even if they’ve been driven somewhat by these social motivators. I’ll take that over the crushing, sucking, sickening feeling that I haven’t forgotten… 

Fillin’ up on gas with 10 percent ethanol I am, 
chaimoigen

And I’m glad to be here with ya’ll

I've been meaning to post about this very point (great minds think alike ).

Last week, I was reminiscing to myself about my last 133 days and feeling pretty good about my accomplishments and clean streak. The thought that came next was, "where would I be if GYE shut down (ch'v) and I lost contact with the Olam and my accountability"?? Where would I be if Hashem hadn't orchestrated my finding GYE (which incidentally, came my way in a bizarre fashion)?? 

Humbling indeed........

Yet, I echo R' Chaim's point: the feelings I experienced just 134 days ago are so crushing and debilitating; I'd do anything to avoid them. Even if it means understanding that my capabilities have severe limitations.... Thoughts that are sobering, but redeeming in their vulnerability......

Now, let's back to positivity and trucking!!!

Have a great rest of your day, brothers,
Muttel

I hardly think that giving thought to being able to share your our successes is an issue.

It is not much different than a filter that we put into our cmputers in order to help and assist ourselves to grow.
After all we are human and we may need help with some situations.

chaimoigen wrote on 17 Sep 2024 18:38:

I think I posted something on this topic once. Just prior to nuking my account.

I for sure do this - react thinking about how it'll go over in a post. And I hate it. I don't hate it because I need a community to get clean. I've sufficiently proven to myself that I'm not capable of getting clean on my own.

I hate it because posting makes my actions so superficial. Sometimes I feel like one of those people more focused on the Instagram moment they are making than on what they are doing. That I'm just ploppling and the plopple is replacing doing. That I'm just:


And there's a disturbing amount of truth in that rant. But at the end of the day, I'll take all that garbage if it'll keep me clean today.