My Friend,

I'm sorry that you are feeling disgruntled. Great post, love the detail and your way of putting your thoughts into words. 

You're one of the pillars in my life and I think you are also a big part of a lot of people's success here.

Yes, we are human! Not taking a second look at someone (or something) that you already ranked to make sure you put it in the correct category takes tremendous human strength, that only a man in growing can do.

You're a wonderful human being! Keep on rocking! Take that Lulov of yours and tell the YH to get the hell away from you otherwise you'll show him what you can.

Chaim, my friend,

I honestly don't know how possible it is to delete this level from our being. No matter how much we watch where we look, and attempt to control out minds from wandering to much, often our thoughts can still run with the wind even with the faintest of sights.

We are human. We have a specific DNA. We live in the world, not buried in a cave, oitzar, or beis medrash. Life happens around us.

We must just continue to understand what this can do to us if left unfettered, and to its own devices. Not to be complacent, remain vigilant, and not to be caught by surprise when we are already down the rabbit hole.

Not sure where you are aiming to be, and wherever that is - I wish you the greatest success in achieving it, but I'm pretty sure you're in a pretty darn healthy place right now.

Disgruntled?

Nope my friend. Don't agree. You have no right to be.

Your are amazing, and doing amazing. Keep it up.

Grant400 wrote on 04 Oct 2023 01:44:

Very well said.  
The funniest thing is my dear R' Chaim - that if I were to call you being disgruntled about going where I went to today , with thousands of frum ladies in their holiday finest - I'm pretty darn sure you would have yelled at me too....

I think i'll give it a try tomorrow.. . 

My dear Friend, Reb Chaim, Rosh Yeshivaseinu, granted, the clicker thing might not be for you, but the idea behind it is for everyone! The idea is to focus and realize how special each win is. And you gave yourself a 90! I mean, for heaven's sake, can you give my friend a break and give him some respect?! And I love what Grant said, what are you trying to become, an angel? The condition you are describing, has its medical definition in the term 'Living'. My friend, you are ALIVE so you feel. Now, take my kick in the pants and keep on trucking!

I'll ask you a question, my friend. I was walking on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year (besides for Purim, Chanukka, and Lag B'Omer, and some more:)). I'm in middle of my clicking, but on YK I can't carry the clicker. Anyway, I reach the corner, I look across the street to see whether I can cross the street. The sign said don't walk. I wish it would have said don't look. Because under that sign was a girl, dressed and standing in a way that was very attractive. Did I mention that I'm not from the select few people in history that have killed the YH? So, anyway, the YH started up with me. Mind you as soon as I saw her I looked away. But I saw her, and her looks stayed in mind for a while. What should I feel?  Should I restart my counter, Reb Chaim? Should I go do over kapparos? Please, great Rabbi, tell me how to clean my sullied soul? Should I feel terribly broken, that on YK I could be triggered? The YH tried that on me. I reminded him about the krias HaTorah of YK by mincha. Please advise as to how you think I should feel about myself. By the way. this really happened. Looking forward to your warm response:)

Allright, my sweetest friends. Nichamtani. Ki Simachtani Bidvarecha.

There's no cure to being human; we are called upon to do the best we can do.
I am going to keep working to be better. I admit that I'm doing well, BH, and I am very glad of it. I know I could be better, especially if I hadn't made mistakes in the past. But the main thing is to keep moving forwards. I will try to avoid disgruntledness. And I'll get by (and get higher) with a little help from my friends . And a lot of help from the RBSHO

The primary purpose of my post was to share my Shmiras Enayim strategies, not to kvetch, BTW. Don’t want that to get lost, for whatever they are worth. 

My dear R' Eerie. You know what I am going to say. If you dealt with what came your way (through no fault of yours) in the best way that you could, that's a victory. A huge "click" that you can feel good about on YK. And regarding the fact that you were impacted by what you saw, in the way that you were - the main Avoda we are given is to deal with what we are facing as best as we can, which it sounds like you did.
What happens to us is not our business, how we deal with it most certainly is. 
Yet I feel that it's most likely, if you keep growing as you are, that by the time next Yom Kippur comes around, if a similar situation would arise, you would very possibly be less affected by the situation, and that would be a worthy achievement.

We work towards the goal of BECOMING different and better, by DOING the work we need to do each day, climbing the ladder slowly, one action at a time.     
    
Anyways, I had a few doses of intense, high-level therapy - I danced my heart out at a few Simchas Beis Hashoeivos - it does a body and soul good. If you haven't done so yet, my good friends, I highly recommend it.
אשרי מי שלא חטא ומי שחטא ישוב וימחול לו

Grant400 wrote on 04 Oct 2023 01:44:

I decided to elaborate a bit on what I did not explain before, and address what you are asking, Grant.
I want to preface what I am about to write by saying that I mostly agree with what you wrote. I appreciate your clarity and the Chizzuk that you and my other friends have given. I am, thankfully, no longer disgruntled. I am enjoying Zman Simchaseinu immensely. [Also, I'm in my office on the computer and not on a Chol HaMoed trip :).  For now, at least.  That may change at any moment when the WW calls, but hey, One Minute At A Time.] 

Last night I spoke to a friend for a while. I was the one giving Chizzuk. During our talk, he mentioned something specific he was struggling with, and I provided him with some Chizzulk and advice, gleaned from personal experience. Today, in the middle of Shemona Esre by Shacharis, somewhere between Vilamalshinim and Shmoya Tefilla, the penny dropped. The specific reference he made triggered my old associations, and my mind and heart became completely filled with lurid, vibrant, full-color images of what I had seen in the past. I have a vivid imagination, and these Hirhurei Aveira were truly first-class. All this was happening beneath my gently-swaying pristine Tallis in front of my beautiful Siddur.
But I shook these Hirhurim off before Riztei. Davened the rest of Shemona Esre with significant Kavana. And I used my magnificent Lulav and Esrog to entreat HKBH, by the Naanuim and Hoshanos, להצילני מן היצה״ר, and help me continue to grow in Tahara, Lev Tahor Bara Li etc......

I am not feeling down or discouraged about this. I didn't bring anything on, overall it was a very good Davening today.
But this story brings out an important point. 

But let's be honest here. Had I not made some very bad choices in my past I would never have known what my friend was talking about when he made the reference. If not for my many errors I would not have all these unlovely images preserved in the vault of my head and heart.
It's a simple truth that a person isn't accountable for random thoughts  that occur during Tefilla. But a person does have to take responsibility for the fact that the stuff is there in his lexicon of images... 

I have BH stayed far, far away from any inappropriate images for the last 141 days. In fact, those specific images are from many years ago. I'm hoping they fade with time, and become irretrievable as I grow. I am looking forwards to what I am becoming, working on what is within my grasp. But I live with the knowledge that my current struggles are impacted by my past misdeeds. I like to think that most of the special Yiddin with whom I daven don't have these "clips" stored and easily available for viewing during Shemona Esre. I have my own accomplishments to be proud of, as I said, I am not discouraged. But I am also honest, and I sincerely wish I had made better choices in the past. [Yes, I'm glad I am making good choices now, with Hashem's kindness, and that's the main thing.]

The same thing applies to challenges in areas of Shemiras Enyaim, I think. All men are created with this Nisayon, but I suspect that some of my bad choices in the past have created a somewhat different Nisayon experience for me, one that is more challenging and impacts me in a greater way. That's why I was disgruntled the other day.

But today I am not feeling bad at all. Because my Avoda today is within my reach. I have goals to achieve today. Good, maybe even great things to accomplish. I am alive, I am a Yid who is trying to serve HKBH and deserves to be Bisimcha.
Because:
אשרי זקנותינו שכפרה את ילדותינו...... אלו ואלו אומרים אשרי מי שלא חטא ומי שחטא ישוב וימחול לו        
         

My dear Friend, every word of your answer to my question applies to you as well, which I'm sure you know is the reason I asked that question. So please, keep smiling and celebrate your massive victories!
As far as your second post in response to Grant, I hear you. I will add one thing, though. Yes, it's true that certain tests and struggles you have today are no doubt impacted by your choices made in the past. But it is not also true that you would not be able to relate to, to empathize with people struggling, that would not be able to help others had you not been through very similar tests? I cannot think of a נעשים לו כזכויות greater than this. And that may be the p'shat in אלמדה פושעים דרכיך being a part of teshuva.
Happy to hear you are continuing to k'nock away!

chaimoigen wrote on 04 Oct 2023 17:48:

You cannot change the past. The job is to  take the person you are today with all of your past flaws and focus on serving hashem in the best way possible using the tools that you have now.  Regretting past choices does not change this mission.   

I am terrified to argue with you over here especially bec I may be arguing with your YH which is quite a formidable opponent:) You clearly have done a significant tshuva. Teshuva does not mean rectifying all the ramifications of your aveiros, if so a murderer would not be able to repent. Rather it means changing yourself to be a different person to the best of your abilities. Once you do that, you are a briah chadasha, you are forgiven, lock, stock and barrel. Any thoughts that come up and are properly handled are not your responsibility, rather they are your challenge. Recognize the awesomeness of your repentance, and thank Hashem for being the merciful gd he is, but do not deny that mercy exists. That would be a grave error!

bright wrote on 05 Oct 2023 19:26:

Well, you told me that you miss my posts, so here goes, although it will be in disagreement to yours.
"Beriah chadashah" - I don't know when that exists (and if there are mekoros and all agree to that), but I'd assume that this is reserved for a real thorough teshuvah - with all the trimmin's.
Let's use your murderer mashal: He kills a fellow, does teshuvah (however); then he sees the almanah and six kids without a dollar to their name, kids gettin' beaten up in school for they have no father to back them up, wife and kids in and out of therapy, etc. "Not my problem - I'm a new creation!" - I would say that's hogwash.
Someone watched years and years of porn and then did teshuvah (again, assumin' with all the intricacies), and those images keep vividly playin' on rewind - those are challenges and not his responsibility? I don't think so; those are his to keep. 

Now, although that is the case (accordin' to little me), I still don't think that it's somethin' to get down upon, and as Reb Chaim and I spoke today - one simply needs to move on and focus on the growth, but let's own up to what's ours - the good and the bad.

Godspeed to all

cordnoy wrote on 05 Oct 2023 23:46:

 The bal haturim in parshas kedoshim by the parsha of one who "murders" his own son to the molech, points out that teshuva would make that murder into "zichiyos" - please look it up. In other words teshuva would make it into a righteous act (akeidas yitzchok?).

cordnoy wrote on 05 Oct 2023 23:46:

I don't understand how a person who ignores the poor victims is the same as a person who gets desires and tries to fight them. I would think that even though he caused those desires, his teshuva can still be serious and have all the trimmings and he could still experience those thoughts because of his past, and that doesn't mean that his teshuva is lacking. As opposed to someone who ignores the consequences of his actions like in the murderer example. Perhaps you can explain better.

Glad to have you back! As for mekoros see shmatsa in inroduction, based on midrash, aderes eliahu parshas reeh. The mesila yasharim when describing tshuva specifically uses murder example to say how big of a chesed and seemingly illogical it is for tshuva to work. Any full fledged tshuva should certainly do it. However part of tshuva certainly is constantly keeping it on your mind and being bitter about it see sharei tshuva and that would certainly include caring for almana and yesomim, besides for the fact that there is a separate sin he did against them, which needs its own tshuva, which incldes rectification of his actions like any bein adam lechavairo until they forgive. Thanks and piske tove.

mggsbms wrote on 06 Oct 2023 01:38:

And even if that's true (on a level that has any understandin' at all), so what?