chaimoigen wrote on 23 Jul 2023 20:14:

A lucky, lucky man
lucky, lucky men

chaimoigen wrote on 23 Jul 2023 20:14:

I'm looking forward to my own meeting with the smile behind the voice - hopefully sometime this Bain hazmanim.

Amazing, the power of human connection.

Reb Chaim, it was such a special moment for me. כי אנשים אחים אנחנו!!! You are a very special friend indeed

Through the kindness of Hash-m I am at 70 Days of Tahara. Looking forward to 90, soon, with the Chessed of my Tatteh In Himmel. 

Things feel different this time. I know, of course, that as long as I live I shall continue to be infected with an ancient and powerful Yetzer Hora, not to be underestimated. [Here he gives me a knowing wink and a playful smile. Today he looks like Professor Moriarty], but everything feels like it's changed. I am trying not to be overconfident, but truly hopeful. I've been thinking a lot, trying to understand why i's different. I want to share two aspects of what I think has changed inside of me. It's personal, but maybe these thoughts can help you, if you're reading this. 

Firstly and foremost - connection. Connecting on the forums, then through PM, email, then calls, and then finally meetings - This has completely changed my life. There are many aspects to why connection is key to recovery, but here is one I have been thinking about.

Secrecy is poisonous. A person with a secret, especially a guilty secret, is living in two worlds, and that infects both with a sense of unreality and disconnect,. The secrecy wears him down, saps the life from what he does; it festers. 

I had a secret identity, a part of my life that was an alternate reality, an alter ego, an alternate universe. 30 years of sneaking around (sometimes) is very damaging.

To a certain extent I became someone whose actions weren't accountable to life; who had a disconnect with what's real, and had the ability to disassociate with himself. As said in previous posts, I am not negating the incredible growth and significant accomplishments I have achieved in the last 30 years. And I like think my learning and Avodas Hakodesh is real, and I have not defined myself by my inadequacies and errors. But I couldn't manage to shake this problem and I therefore still had an "alternate universe" to slip into, at strange and at trying times.

Well, my friends, here is the truth: Real life doesn't have an "incognito mode"; and it is sickness to develop a way of life that incorporates such a false reality. Thinking about it now fills me with sadness.

This has now changed, and it feels so good. Now, I know that posting on an anonymous forum with a fake name from an undisclosed location (perhaps with pajamas, Cords) isn't the paradigm of transparent honest accountability. But it's a start. And I owned up, first in writing, to what I have done. Talked about things I had kept burdened on my heart, in secret, for so many years. Joined this community. Made real friends. Went from posting to emailing to calling. Each step took courage. And I went on to have a meeting, and more meetings. I am accountable to someone, to friends. And therefore to myself. It's a good feeling.

My life is different now, I feel I am now one man, not a fraudulently fractured feeble fumbler. All my other significant accomplishments are now more real. [And if I ever get off this darn site, I have a lot of important work to do! :)]    

And this brings me to my second point. Before I got here, although I was always fighting back, and I was never complacent, it was in a different way.  I realize now that following my long history of previous struggles and falls, I had believed, in my heart, that there was a part of me that actually wanted the darkness. And I loathed that part of myself. So although I spent years working on strengthening the part of me that doesn’t want anything but Heiligkeit and Hecherkeit, there was still a pull sometimes to throw it away and drink in Taavah and Tuma. Happened less times, thank Hashem, and with less intensity, as the years and work went on. I was usually getting better. But I did not get all the way there. And in a sense I had tragically come to identify, at some level, with the Raa inside of me. Deep inside I thought I had a part of me that would always be bad. I didn’t realize this until recently.

When I started hanging out on GYE I learned that people like me, even people much much worse off, could change and become totally clean. I needed to know how. [I had a red surge of blinding jealously towards the great Ish MiGrodna, late one night, after reading his thread, before I started posting. Still am jealous, till I hit 1000 imyH].

But then I met HHM. He looked at me in the eyes, his own clear and soft eyes filled with such understanding. He knows who I am, what I do, what I did, the whole me. He doesn't think I am a fraud. There was such healing in his gaze. He showed me and helped me believe that I am Kulo Tov, with scars and problems from exposure and damage that I've been carrying around for too long. Yeah, I have a clean up job to do. But I am up for it. I learned that ME is someone who doesn’t want bad at all. Now I have a job to make sure that falls don’t happen. Now that I am not fighting against MYSELF, now that I am just fighting destructive influences  and damaging scars that are trying to creep inside of me and mess me up, I can do it, with Hashem's help. It's a completely different battle now. There's no more self-loathing.  And I think maybe I can try now and make sure it never happens again, with the help of my Tatteh In Himmel. 

The kiss he gave me that night gave me back my whole life. I can't put more into words now.

chaimoigen wrote on 25 Jul 2023 16:50:

My dear friend, thank you for putting my thoughts into words, with your special niggun...
And for being my anchor friend.

I just re-read my post from yesterday and realized something profound. 
The sum total of the times that I fell in the past couple of years before I started posting were BH few, the duration of the falls was short, and extent of my mistakes had been far less (than 20 years ago, than 10, etc). So I used to push it out all of my mind, throughout the months of cleanliness between falls, and tell myself that the isolated incidents did not really mean much. Don't think about the taboo topic, [after all - it was just yesterdays isolated mistake, and I had already regretted it, committed to fix it all up, and had moved on]. 
I re-read yesterdays post and realize that all that time I was carrying around a crushing burden of secrecy, hiding the dead weight of guilt and pain locked in a deep chamber in my heart. Too me a long time to write the post yesterday, and I see that I wrote the truth - I was constantly hiding a terrible alternate and hidden life.
It's a real paradox. My accepting that there was a pattern, and that I was still carrying a problem even when many months went between falls; my realization that I was carrying an ugly secret even when I was actively doing only good, (keeping a "mistress" of tayva to return to when needed)-  this may have been the key to finally dropping the dead and stifling weight I've been carrying and become truly free. Acknowledging the problem is finally allowing me to find a place of Tahara, with Hashem's help. And I am never going back IYH.
       

Reb Chaim, you may have not fallen as low as some of us, but now you are soaring, blazing a path for us, inspiring and lighting up the way! Keep posting and sharing, we need your inspiration!

chaimoigen wrote on 25 Jul 2023 16:50:

wow great post! keep it up! asach hatzlacha!

redfaced wrote on 23 Jul 2023 21:14:

I don't know which is better to be, looking forward to something special or to have fond memories of something that touched my soul in such a deep way.
Nor do I know which is brighter , the smile in Eerie's voice when I spoke to him over the phone , Or the kindness and frienship in his eyes when I met him last night.

But the one thing I do know, אינה דומה שמיעה לראיה 

I’m looking forward imyH, too! עוד חזון

There’s a certain special Kesher when a connection is rooted in being there for each other in places where no one else is…

redfaced wrote on 02 Aug 2023 16:12:

My dear friend, the feelings are mutual

Wow, catching up on weeks of unread posts. This thread is highly emotional. Challenges in Midas HaYesod run very deep, and affect us in a most powerful way - especially in the emotional sphere. The healing is therefore euphoric. To sum it up:

"Thank you GYE for giving us all a chance to give/receive that validating hug and kiss that melts away years of struggles and torment."

Unbelievable so inspired by ur honesty  u r a true ben torah!!!!! no matter how many times you fall remember ur a prince and a gibor keep fighting!!!

Thursday August 10. 2023

So we were walking outside and my four year old daughter mentioned she doesn’t like the sidewalk, because it’s all broken and bumpy. “And why, Totty?” “How did the sidewalk break, Totty?”

Holding her soft little hand I explained : “The tree right nearby used to be much littler. Just like you, Raizy! And it grows very slowly, but a little bit at a time, maybe every day. The little teeny roots go into the ground, to drink the water that helps the tree grow strong. And the roots grew. They got thicker and stronger, they grew and they grew! And even though the sidewalk is made out of strong, thick, cold cement- the roots were strong enough to pick up the cement, to crack it open and break it. Could you believe it?! Such strong cement - so cold and hard! Little roots can smash it! Can you believe it!!?”

OY! Gevalt! Roots! As they nestle, burrowing deeper into the sweet, deep places in the ground where there is water and nutrients for life; they have grown stronger and thicker, verdant and coursing with heady, rich Chaim…

They’re gonna have to build a whole new sidewalk, maybe in a different direction entirely. 
 אם אבן הוא נימוח דכתיב הוי כל צמא לכו למים וכתיב אבנים שחקו מים 

I have tears in my eyes. 

I would like to invite you, my close, close friends
to a Seudas Hoda'ah in honor of my achieving 90 days of Tahara, בעזה"י. 
In honor of 3 Chodoshim Retzufun, in honor of establishing a Chazaka; of becoming a Misulekes Damim, through the bountiful, undeserved Chessed of Hashem.
הַצִּילֵנִי מִדָּמִים אֶלֹקים אֱלֹקי תְשׁוּעָתִי תְּרַנֵּן לְשׁוֹנִי צִדְקָתֶךָ:
The Guests of Honor are my special wife, though she won't know about it, and my Neshoma. 

The Seuda will take place Bshaa Tova U'Mutzlachas on this coming Sunday night פ' שופטים, in the hours before midnight.
You may join wherever you are. You may wear pajamas

The program is as follows: 
Appetizer:  A L'Chaim of your choice. 
First Course: 10 Kappitlach Tehillim of your choice.For you. For me. For all Yiddishe Kinder on and off GYE. For the Rebono Shel Olam who is suffering seeing his precious children struggling in the mud, שיגולו רחמיך על מדותיך. And with heartfelt thanks to Him for the Heilige Torah, for holy Chaveirim, and for Rabbeim.
With Hodaah Al Haavar and Bakasha Al Ha’asid. 
Please try to season your Tehillim with tears. I’ll have enough to go around. 
Second Course: A Blatt Gemora. Ah Mechaya! 
Dessert: Another Lichaim. (Woodford, wine, or even tequila, as long as its obscenely expensive)

Please RSVP here. Cordnoy, Eerie, Richtig, Grant, IMG, Captain, Vehkam, Benny, Heeling, Redfaced, Shmira, Jewish and so many sweet and holy others:
Please let me know if you can make it. It would mean a lot to me. I have been too lonely for far longer than I care to think about. And I have undying Hakaras HaTov to each of you.

And finally: To the one who reached out on that very first day: "give me a call tzaddik"....
שלוחא דרחמנא
משביר, מכלכל, מחנך, מחייב, מרומם, מגביה שפלים ומתיר אסורים ,  
כאשר ישא האומן את היונק
You are the one in whose eyes I saw reflected something I still can't put into words
and that has made all the difference... 
נפשי אני חייב לך….