Hi chevra,
I've been struggling with porn and masturbation since I was 11. I remember feeling the need to stop already in middle school, promising Hashem I would, making deals with Him, etc. but never getting far. I've gone so far out of my way to get my fix. When I was learning is Eretz Yisroel I had someone send me an iPhone touch (remember those) and would walk 10min to find wifi... 
I entered a loveless and lonely marriage- we jumped into it ignoring each other's red flags. I was sober for 4 months by the time we were married. My sobriety only lasted 1/2 year into the marriage. We got divorced- not because of the porn. But it did become necessary to disclose to her at a certain point, and I don't remember ever having disappointed someone so thoroughly in my life before. I will never forget my ex-wife's tears.
For almost two years after, I would watch porn and masturbate daily- often multiple times a day. I joined a 12 Steps group and after a year there, started seeing progress. I had over 100 days clean until tonight. For the past week, I've been sliding into "middle circle" behaviors- seeking out progressively more risque content. I downloaded kashezivugkekriasyamsuf and, I couldn't have thought of a better analog to porn if I wanted to. Scrolling, seeking, constantly looking for the "fix" of a pretty face. Of course, it culminated in a relapse. I chose to act out (or act in, as we say in 12 steps). I just started shidduchim last week for the first time since getting divorced over two years ago. I was feeling so confident... I forgot how much help I needed from Hashem, and from others. I'm worried about what this relapse says about my readiness to date... the possibility of disappointment when I disclose to someone I'm committed to this addiction. 
But I'm committed. I've gone over 100 days clean and there's no reason at all I can't again. For what it's worth, I'll take the first step here: I'm powerless over this, I need Hashem, I need you all as his shlichim, and I need all the tools He'll give me.
I've been starving for a yiddishe chevra to go about this struggle with and am overjoyed to see that GYE is refurbished and more lively than ever. I'm excited to start the Flight to Freedom program and, more so, to build a relationship with all of you here.
All that said, send me your love! I want to make kesharim here. Feel free to message me and b'ezras Hashem, hopefully we can help each other out.
Love to you all,
Moshe

WELCOME!!!!!!

you are a very good hearted person, and very honest person

All the best

hi r' moshe
im sorry for what you've gone through... its a bunch

i was struck by the honesty and clarity of your post.
please stick around, take some and give some.
hatzlacha!

Shalom,
Thank you for your share fellow member, just wondering if you go to SA or a different group? I personally found that in order to get sober I needed a sponsor who can help me work the steps. My sponsor is sober for 8 years or so and has been through the ringer himself. He helped show me the ropes in a gentle way but just a little firm. Just like a baby in its mother's arms.
I found that sharing every day with a member did wonders for me. I also have a daily renewal partner did me wonders! (the guy is not jewish but he has been consistantly calling me every day for months) 
the questions we ask each other every day is.

1. Do you admit your powerlessness over lust and sexual acting out?
2. Do you desire sobriety and freedom from sexual obsession and are you willing to do anything to protect this desire?
3. Do you commit with G-ds help to stay sexually sober, abstaining from sex with self or any other person than a spouse. Working the SA program and tools to keep you sober. Understand that it is not the tools but G-d who keeps you sober?
4. Over the last 24hrs what were your struggles and victories re ​​​
   
   1. lust
   2. resentment
   3. fear
   4. What were your times spent with G-d
   5. What is your plan for the next 24hrs including obstacles to sobriety
5. What is just one thing you are grateful for today?
6. Are you willing to hand your will and care of your life over to G-d. The One who kept you sober yesterday and protected you from the full consequences of your lust in the past?
7. End with Serenity prayer

Usually the first few times will take longer but we have cut it down to 15 mins.
Otherwise I surrender, and remember that the MOST important thing is recovery NOT sobriety.
You will be great my friend, you have not lost your progress in recovery. As a sober member of SA said to me once. Underline it and turn the page. May Hashem send you the BEST shidduch, I personally told a prospective shidduch about the program and this lady was astoundingly supportive of the program. I would reccommend at least 90 days of sobriety before shidduchim just so you can tell her you are sober, otherwise it probably not going to be taken so well if you know what I mean. I asked Dov about the year of sobriety thing and he said that he had never heard of it. 90 days is great.
I also stress the importance of a strong home group that you regularly attend which is mostly of a positive vibe where 90% of members are sober more than a month and that you call a lot of sober members. Currently I am 8 months sober and it has gone by like a breeze in a strong home group here in Melbourne Australia (95% of members are WORKING the program and sober for over half a year to 24 years)! TG. I know I can fall at any time but I am confident that if I keep up my recovery and my connection to G-d and take it one day/ one moment, at a time I will be ok. Rav Nachman said that if he did the worst of the worst aveiros he would right afterwards be 100% besimcha. I know that me after a fall is the most humiliating shameful experience that I can possibly have, Therefore the last time I fell my sponsor told me to take care of myself the next 24 hrs, making any necessary calls doing forms of service so that I can to recover. Thank you for sharing your situation with us. Keep up the amazing work!

Thank you Misgaber, what a beautiful post! 
I have  question thats bothering me and giving me no rest. 
Whats this giving up my power of lust and saying that im not the one fighting but Hashem? I dont get it.
Yes Hashem gives me the power to exist every second and the brain and eyes to see and heart that pumps and without His constant flow of energy i would cease to exist in a second. 
But, He gives me the liberty to do what I want with that power, V'hu Raye, that I uses to sin a lot, I feel terrible thinking how I used His power to cause Him pain, but it was still me. Otherwise whats the point of it all, if He does everything, then I dont have to fight or do anything.
I JUST DONT GET IT. 

chancy wrote on 03 May 2023 16:16:

You are getting into big stuff

When I first joined GYE I went through all those questions

Its not on one foot

And I still have a lot questions

chancy wrote on 03 May 2023 16:16:

I don't know the answer to your question. But i can tell you that for me its working. I tried fighting my addiction by myself for many many years with little to no success. It is only when i stopped fighting and instead surrendered my power and my will to that of my higher power that i found sobriety and more importantly serenity. So for me even if it does make sense logically it has  given me my life back and that's I subscribe to this approach.

Welcome. May Hashem give you loads of hatzlocha!

chancy wrote on 03 May 2023 16:16:

Hello, 
Great question, the answer is that it is IMPOSSIBLE to understand. BUT, it works! That is all I have to know. I know that when I surrender my Higher Power, He helps me. I don't understand my higher power and anyone who tries to do so is in a loosing battle. I find that when I do try to figure out who is at fault of what, then I struggle. If I realise my negative thoughts and feelings and surrender them to Hashem then I am cured. My sickness is with obsession of the mind, e.g. is it my doing or Hashems doing? I say go and chase your own tail. Hurts my head just thinking about thinking about it. (you can kinda see what obsession is in this way). BUT if I say "Hashem I want to scream at my brother right now!" Hashem can calm my emotions and I can move on. I may have to say it over and over, but eventually after 20seconds give or take it goes, if it comes back I surrender again saying over my genuine thaughts and feelings. Naaseh Venishma.

So the next time i see a pretty thing on the street what should i do? 
Scream (internally) to Hashem "this is so hard, please make it stop? and then what, keep looking or look away? 
I Believe based on my learning that we each have a choice and Hashem lets us do what we want up to a certain point. 
Yes, everything we do comes from Him, and without his constantaneous flow of energy, we wouldn't be here, but He in His greatness allows us to use His energy for bad things! Even though we are hurting Him so to speak, He still allows us to, of course we will need to fix what we messed up but He allows it. 

chancy wrote on 04 May 2023 18:46:

No that is not what I do, I mean you can do that and see if it works but I don't think that is surrendering. That statement is more telling Hashem what to do. Just saying over my thought is enough, I don't tell Hashem to "make it stop". I do agree that I need to look away but this may help me do so. But this isn't enough, I must pray for the person I am lusting after and myself, this for me works wonders, I can't tell you the mechanism of why, I think this is the Naaseh Venishma part. But I know that when I say Hashem please give her bracha today to achieve what she wants and help me in my endeavours it usually gets rid of the lust.


I agree with this thought but what has this to do with sobriety? Yes this is the way Hashem runs this olam and lets me have free choice, if so, I can still choose to act out, even this second. SO why am I not???? 
This is because G-d even has the ability to keep me sober, as long as I connect to him in a genuine way. If I experience lust even for a moment I give it over to Hashem, sometimes a whole day goes by and I forget to connect. That is why I call people to remind myself to do so. This method I have tried and works for me, it works for my sponsor who is sober for 14 years, it has worked for another of 24 years of sobriety.... there are all types of meathods that do work. I find this one wholesome, gentle and powerful.

@moshe jacob,

Firstly, I sent my love first class!!

Hard to hear what your'e going through. Know, that youv'e come to the best place. You will learn here recovery and life skills, and connect with others too.

In my humble opinion, the best strategy for you at the moment is accountability. Lust shines in isolation, bring it out to the light, connect with others and the lust will slowly diminish. Reach out on the phone to a partner/mentor.

Wishing you all the best, and a life with meaning, happiness and satisfaction.

love excellence

I am super impressed. To keep om trying after having struggled so hard for so long is unbelievable. May the chizuk you give us be a zchus for your hatzlacha. Keep it up and let us know how things go!