Hello everyone

i'm addicted to p&m. in the past I had ups and downs, since I came on gye it went better, i started to make a cheshben hanefesh and b"h i got good friends who helping me, but still didn't get out of it.

In general I don't like so much to watch stam porn ,my main problem is that I have my few porn stars that I know their names and I like to search, see and watch them, and this is the hardest part from my nisoyin to get divorced.... from them.

Please if anyone can relate or have any tips or solutions for this case.

Thanks

Nafrub, I feel your pain!!

Sounds like you're already shteiging, so keep it up! Stick around on the site and keep us posted on how it goes.

Rooting for you!!

Welcome Nafrub! We are so excited to have you join our family here, where we care for each other, and we want to hear from you! So please share anything and everything with us, stick around, there are many good things to learn here!

nafrub wrote on 22 Mar 2023 18:39:

I can definitely relate to this issue, I'm always going back to the same few actresses and even videos. Their names are seared into my memory and I almost feel like I have a relationship with them. Till I got image filtering I would search them up and get aroused by pictures of them that weren't even explicit...

But ultimately it doesn't really make a difference. Beating porn happens through careful planning, intentional connection and accountability, and an optimistic, can-do attitude. So I'd suggest you focus on building those things as opposed to worrying about the particular kind of porn you like to watch. It really doesn't matter.

Sorry if I'm coming across as judgemental or dismissive, that is not my intention. I just wanted to share some advice from my own perspective. Take it or leave it.

Wishing you much success in this fight, or as you call it-"divorce",
OivedElokim

nafrub wrote on 22 Mar 2023 18:39:

I can definitely relate to this issue, I'm always going back to the same few actresses and even videos. Their names are seared into my memory and I almost feel like I have a relationship with them. Till I got image filtering I would search them up and get aroused by pictures of them that weren't even explicit...

But ultimately it doesn't really make a difference. Beating porn happens through careful planning, intentional connection and accountability, and an optimistic, can-do attitude. So I'd suggest you focus on building those things as opposed to worrying about the particular kind of porn you like to watch. It really doesn't matter.

Sorry if I'm coming across as judgmental or dismissive, that is not my intention. I just wanted to share some advice from my own perspective. Take it or leave it.

Wishing you much success in this fight, or as you call it-"divorce",
OivedElokim

nafrub wrote on 22 Mar 2023 18:39:

I know exactly what you mean. It almost feels like you know them and are part of their life. Like oved elokim wrote, you almost have a relationship with them. 
Hatzlacha!  Keep trucking!!!!

nafrub wrote on 22 Mar 2023 18:39:

I had this issue  for a few of them, too. Something that was helpful to me in this regard is the knowledge that they're doing an acting job, and that most of the time they aren't even attracted to the guy in the scene. It's all fake. So not only are you not seeing the full potential of the truthful connection and actual love based intimacy that can be had in an atmosphere of Kedusha, you're not even seeing how these messed up people actually relate in real life. To their own husbands and boyfriends they're actually not like that in real life.

@oivedelokim i'm gonna argue on one of the points you made. i believe it does matter what you watch and what you're looking for in it. cuz it can help you understand what you're looking for in it, and ultimately how to replace that with a kosher/healthy alternative.
i was dealing w a professional who asked me what kind of porn i like to watch, and at first i was shocked by the question. but iv'e come to understand that it can be a way to identify the underlying need/urge and be able to deal with it.
for example in this case, it's possible (and obviously i'm only suggesting) that @nafrub doesn't feel that he has satisfying relationships in the real world, and is covering it up with a (false?) sense of connection and relationship with the actresses? 

i hope my post is considered appropriate around here (i dont really come here often). these are my two cents on the topic.
good luck to all!!

It is nice to see just by reading many comments to your thread, that you aren't alone, a lot of us has had similar issues regarding to "those actors" that are only playing a roll, just saying it bothers me, because many of them try recreating the scenes, it's really pothetik because at the end of the day- IT straight up IS speaking to your Tayvos and playing with it as though it's playdough... Explain it 1000 other ways if you like, but it is no more and no less blunt then that. 
I had probably like many specific searches or such as oppose to certain actors. I regret it all, as much of pleasure you temporarily receive, you feel so disheveled, your put at such a low _________ (-fill in as many can be placed). You question your entire realistic life off of an actress getting paid a lot and has ZERO idea you exist, it is all A DIMYON- all fake, I hate it. Sorry for my ramble. I am right now being a bit expressive.
I am speaking from a very similar nisayon, as much as it is very comfortable to be around people who get you and can BeH help (you/) one another; the matter of fact is it is ALL LIES, each click on any site of P* it is all to get you to click, don't play around with it if you have a power to awaken your heart for a moment, work on that inspiration build shtark Gedarim, logicial and reasonable plan what you can properly do over a short and long term goal.

Sit down one minute, maybe a few minutes...
Write down- what's her goal missions in life, what's her meaning of love and care, what's her meaning of friendship and relationship. What would you say they care about regarding proper raising children... so many things are just BLUNTLY OBVIOUS that I don't really need to say, but sadly like me, we get blinded easily, we don't question anything, where as all the work to find your wife, are those answers to any question someone evenn a slight comparable.... I don;t know you, but I can hope to bet that is most likely not the case! You have a Ratzon that's why you are on here and soon all of this will be behind you BeH. These "actors" are there for one purpose and after such pleasure it.. should be over (recieve a hana'ah, and walk away unharmed, yet like you said maybe a scary as a divorce may occur...). But yet after it all, goes without saying..you guessed it.....It RUINS our lives! Our Family, Kids, Wife, Friends, Rebbeim, Meanings! I can go on but I will end in short...

It is all sad but is a galuus to us all, we need to over power our yetser, wither you find a mehalech on your own or use logical or tactical ways to do so.. It is in YEDIAH- HAVE ZERO COMPARISON TO OUR LONG LOVED WIFE FAMILY KIDS ETC. For a stupid g' (girl- referring to actor) that dresses pretty to get paid and live a really sad life, while us Jews need to fight it.

BH you are here, if there's anything I said that seemed direct it wasn't, I was blowing some stress at myself.

IT straight up IS speaking to your Tayvos and playing with it as though it's playdough... Explain it 1000 other ways if you like, but it is no more and no less blunt then that.
I find this point extremely powerful.
This is something that has given me a lot of chizuk in the past and a distaste for porn.
If you think about it and look at the relationship of the porn producer and consumer (viewer) form the outside, realize that the producer has the potential viewer's emotional makeup in front of them. Then they think how to play around and trigger with the viewer's emotions in the most effective manner, and also make them keep on coming for more. The porn websites don't care about you! All they care about is making money even though they know it is going to hurt you and possibly ruin your life! Think of the guy sitting in the office of the porn company, he is deliberately selfish to make money at the expense of other peoples lives and he knows it.
While porn is still a tayva but it is now a very distasteful one.

Hi nafrub and welcome!

I've also had times when I'd follow some charismatic and glamorous shiktzus. Until one expressed her extreme right antisemitic views and how she hates us with a passion. I was repulsed (and quite shaken too). From then on it was clear to me that it's their bodies I'm attracted to and there's little room for feeling emotional connection to these people. Of course they're not all neo-nazis, but this just drove the point home for me.

By the way, I could never look at that girl again. So maybe internalizing this point is a way of working on porn in general (as others have already said).

What works for me is to understand that staying away from porn is about what our Avinu SheBaShamaim expects from me.  That means staying away from the porn and the masturbation.  Start with the behavior, and then I change my thinking.

When I found it difficult to change my behavior then I got professional help.

The Flight to Freedom course on this website also helps a lot.  I change my focus away from other people and instead focus on myself and my relationship with my Creator.

I still work at it every single day, and thank G-d I've been accompanied on this journey by the kind people at GYE.

I'll ask you a question, though, that may help you focus on yourself instead of them.  We know that p & m is an aveirah for a Jew.  So, isn't this sexual immorality also a sin ***for them***?  Think about it and you'll realize the answer.  Ask a rabbi if you need help.

Wecome Nafrub, How's it going?!

A number of things to consider:
1 - Filtering
2 - Accountability to a partner or webchaver
3 - What are your triggers
4 - Porn is ever so fake, check out this video: gye.vids.io/videos/489bd1b81e19eecdc0/its-all-fake
5 - Porn is dangerous, Check out these 2 videos: videos.sproutvideo.com/embed/119dddb11515e5cb98/78d6649b0fa2bfe5?type=hdx    www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=224514
6 - We get so focused on what we see on the screen, however if we think deeper she can be stupid, smelly, bad breath, ugly without makeup, have a terrible temper, she is definitely depressed and unhappy with herself, and possibly on drugs. she never wants you, in fact she probably hates you, and just wants your money. Woman don't crave sex - Guaranteed.

Stay around,
Love Excellence

. 

For years i wantched porn in all diffrent ways ...long journey... never had the name of any of them entered my mind

As soon as i started becoming clean the name of one specific actress got into my psyche and i couldnt get her out... and i complained to my friend that i was finally climbing  out and now my obsessive nature had grasp one of their names and now because my filter i am watching interview with her about the dumbset things just to "get to know her"
untill i realized it was my custom made yetzer hara and I begged hashem to help me fight it ....3 years since then i still struggle that whenever i slip the yetzer hara slip a name into my head but i fight it by knowing its my personal diet!!!!

Shalom,
I can relate to this, I have tried many types of porn and I have had obsessions with many pornstars. I had to go to SA eventually. As for this I can say that the best way that works for me was Daavening for those people and use their names; and sharing with others. You can PM me and I can just "hear you out" just so you can see for yourself why you want to get involved with these people. But getting G-d involved is key as, for me, this humanises the individual and thus I can see them in a deeper non-sexual way. 
If you click on me I did write a prayer for my third cousin who I am attracted to and it really helped and I shared it 3 times 2 over the phone and once here.
This is by no means a recipe to follow, it is just a reality of a more intense situation I was in and what helped me put out the catalyst of my obsession before it could take hold. Once the flames are burning i.e. I am in "search for lust" mode I find that it is a matter of time and I will act out. Obsession kills me. If I have an obsession, i.e. finding the best dumb phone. I have to share it openly and honestly.

PRAYER EXAMPLE
For one actress in my mind I am not mentioning her name to not be explicit in public. Hashem I don't know her history and I don't know her future, But she is Your creation and she is beautiful. Thank you for creating such a beautiful person. I hope that You lead her through her challenges that she faces today. That she will be able to fulfil her mission in life that You put her here for. Hashem I am powerless over my desire for her for I have looked her up in the past for hours on end wanting to stop but could not. I see that you have kept me sober in the past when I surrender to You. I surrender this to You now. Thank You Hashem for this experience of connection. Hashem please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

My sponsor does a short and sweet prayer... G-d bless her, G-d save me. 

All the best,