Hello everyone, I am a new member of GYE and I am excited to be joining this chaburah of Yidden who are striving to come closer to Hashem. I would like to start out with a confession of sorts. I actually signed up about 2 months ago, not really knowing what this was all about, but hopeful that it could be helpful to me. Before I actually checked in or started any kind of program, I was reading a lot of the different comments from people in the forum, just to get a feel of what people were struggling with and to see if there was anything in common with my own struggles, and I was actually kind of turned off. Because when I was reading all the different stories of people with the challenges they have, I started thinking: “This is really not for me. True, I struggle with Shmiras Einayim, and I have looked at things and done things I shouldn’t have, but these people are talking about addiction to porn, masturbating daily for years at a time, etc. these people have serious issues, I’m just a regular person who once in a while gets caught up with the Yetzer Hara. This is not the kind of crowd I belong in”. Yes, that’s the view that I had from up on my high horse. But some time after that I fell again, with porn and masturbation, and when I was feeling all guilty and horrible about myself, it hit me. Maybe I do need some help. Maybe I’m not any better than all those people in GYE that I so casually dismissed. So I went back on and started reading some more. And one of the first things I read in the forum was from Eerie, entitled “It’s all in the name“, and I literally broke down crying. Because I have so many things in common with his story. For one, I don’t believe that I’m addicted, but it really doesn’t matter if you give yourself (or anyone else) that label. The main thing is I have fallen many times in the past, and I am looking to improve myself, and that is true about everyone here. Also, I too am in chinuch and I am dealing with the same feelings that Eerie expressed about the hypocrisy of someone teaching Torah and giving over our heilige mesorah to the next generation when he himself gets caught up in the worst Aveiros (I read the responses as well and I found them very much on target). And then, when he mentioned that he discovered one computer in his school that had unfiltered internet, I almost fell off my chair. This literally happened to me as well (do we work in the same school?) So, thank you Eerie, for opening my eyes and allowing me to realize that we are all here for the same reason; not to judge anyone else and decide who’s better than whom, but to grow together and help each other in our shared goal of Kirvas Elokim. And thank you as well to everyone else (if you’re still reading at this point, double thank you!) for allowing me to join you all in this holy endeavor. I haven’t actually gotten to my story yet, but I think this is enough for now. I would like to wish you all much Hatzlacha in your Avodas Hakodesh and I hope this can be a fresh start for me as well.

In my initial introduction I didn’t actually post my story because I was a little bit hesitant to publicize it but after being part of this wonderful group of Bnei Aliyah for some time now, I feel like I can open up to you. Since I was 13 I have been struggling with SSA. It was, and is, a long and painful struggle. All through high school, I was in agony from having to be around other boys whom I felt attracted to. I struggled to control my urges, while being constantly fearful that someone would find out. This is something that I feel is so difficult to explain to others who haven't experienced this (even as they have their own struggles). How do I explain what it means to not be able to daven properly in yeshiva or shul because I'm fighting the urge to look at other boys rolling up their sleeves to put their Tefillin on? Or what it means to go into Yom Kippur after a challenging year, trying to get a new start and to come to a real Teshuva, but I can’t go to the Mikvah Erev Yom Kippur and come out with that feeling of purity and Kedusha because I know that for me it would just be a Mitzvah Haba B’aveira? And at the same time, I also had a strong and healthy regular Y”H for women, so it’s not like I got a break when I went out into the street. And yet, at the same time, I realize that just because my struggle is different, doesn't mean it is harder than what anyone else is going through. Anyhow, back to my story. The agony of SSA included not being able to have (or keep) regular friendships with boys my age because the boys who I naturally liked, I was also physically attracted to and the boys who I didn't feel attracted to (not so good looking), I also didn't like them or want to be friends with them. I actually had a really close friend in high school who abruptly distanced himself from me. I must have gotten too physically touchy or something and he sensed that something wasn't quite right. Although he was nice enough not to confront me, it was a really hard blow for me. I didn't really have many other friends. I actually ended up switching yeshivas because of that. Skipping ahead a few years, my Rosh Yeshiva convinced me to go to therapy, not just for SSA specifically, but also because I was struggling with depression. That's when things got really bad. In the beginning it did help a little bit, but then, the therapist (a supposedly religious Jew) advised me to look at porn as a way to channel my sexual feeling towards women and hopefully that would diminish my attraction towards males. Big mistake. Not only didn't it work, but at that point I lost any kind of sensitivity to the Issur of Arayos and everything became Muttar. Since at the time I was doing it, he convinced me that it was actually a Mitzvah, to help me deal with my SSA. Although I stopped seeing him shortly after, I was damaged for life. I don't remember if that was the first time I looked at porn, but from that point on it became totally acceptable for me (like the Gemarrah in Kiddushin says). It also made me resistant to therapy in future years, even though I desperately could have used competent and healthy therapy. Shortly after this, I went to learn in Eretz Yisrael and those two years were the best of my life. My learning took off to a whole new level, and I was able to gain a confidence and self-esteem that I had never had before. However, the Yetzer Hara wasn’t exactly taking a vacation. Towards the end of my stay, I got involved with another bochur. It actually happened quite suddenly, and the other boy initiated it. But I didn’t resist and this led to my first (and only) sexual encounter (B”h we stopped short of actual Kareis). Shortly after, I returned to America, got married and today I am happily married with children be”h. However, the struggle continues and these days, when I fall, it is usually with gay teen porn or with milder stuff on youtube. My attraction to women is still there, but it seems not as strong as my SSA. Thankfully, I don’t think I’m addicted, just someone who struggles from time to time. After my marriage, I had gone a few years without any falls, and then, more recently, in the last couple of years I sort of got into a pattern where I would go from Elul until after sukkos really strong, sometimes until after Channukah, before falling again. And then the rest of the year it would be a few time here and a few times there, until Rosh chodesh Elul came again. But my goal is to stop the up and down, on again off again cycle, and just be clean and stay clean and then hopefully I can come to the next Yom Kippur as a full Baal Teshuva. Sorry for this lengthy post, if you’re still reading thank you, but even if you’re not, it’s okay, it was very therapeutic just to write this.