Day 6, everything's still great.

I wanted to share my story a bit, I think it would be healthy for me and help me really move on.

This started around when I was 12, I still remember the first time. I was at home by myself on amazon looking up some baseball cards and those players had the same last name as someone else I shouldn't have seen. I was thoroughly confused after that first experience, but it went down from their. For a couple of years I would oftentimes sneak away my parent's old smartphone, which I knew the code to of course, and look at things I shouldn't have. Slowly it moved from one to another, and it wasn't always the cleanest things to look at. Eventually I was finding things on YouTube, and it wasn't doing the best for me. Then, a couple days before Yom Kippur, my father asked me point blank if I was having issues with this thing. He didn't know if I was, but he was making sure, and I told him the issue, and cried. Sadly, that wasn't the end solution, he helped me a bit, but I was always to scared to really confide in him, I didn't want him to look down on me, which was silly. Then we got filters on the computers, which definitely helped, and eventually my parents chapped onto the smartphone when they checked the history on it, b"h. The worst I ever did was that my mother used to leave her computer logged on and I used to sneak to it at night, that was the worst things I ever saw, until one day my father caught me, but he didn't know what I was doing on it and I didn't tell him, but my mother made sure it was logged out after that. I never saw actual p for a long time if any, I really don't know what it actually is, and I will never know, I always thought I was bad, but now I realize its normal. That night on the computer was probably my bottom, I remember it very well. I had lots of other bumps downwards, but that was really the lowest. B"h I got caught, I was and am truly thankful.

This was all really before Yeshivah, so throughout middle school this was my problem, and it was bad. Eventually I did discuss it with my father a couple of times, and we solved a lot of the issues, but I never truly cleansed everything. Throughout my time in Mesivta I wouldn't have trouble there, but I would go home at nights and often have issues. The smartphone was still an issue at the beginning here, and the computer, but I moved on from those as I grew up. Eventually I made sure I filtered the computer well enough when I went on, though I always found some ways to find things around it, and then I had the issues with the magazines, but I was always working on growing by that point.

Then I went to Beis Medrash out of town, and that was incredible, I had no issues when I was away, only every once and a while when I came home Bein HaZmanim the old demons raised their heads, until corona happened and I was stuck at home for 3 months. At first I did ok, but it was a massive struggle, I spent a lot of time trying to find material, and it was a waste of time and I hated it. Finally, one day I decided enough was enough and signed up for GYE, I saw an ad for it somewhere and decided it was what I needed. So I did the basics, printed out the charts and got the 90 day thing, and I think it was that day that I heard we were allowed to return to Yeshivah for the rest of the zman, I was so excited. I literally stayed in Yeshivah for 3 months without going home, and one of the main reasons was so I could make it my 90 days. Sadly, I didn't really keep in touch with the person I had available, and when I finally got back home it was back to the old grind.

Fast forward a couple more years, and I was still struggling. Every Bein HaZmanim I would make a chart and keep to it for a couple of weeks and be really excited that I would make it, and then by the end I was slipping up again. Every time I came home.

Finally, earlier this year I get an email from GYE about fundraising, in my spam inbox, and I see it and I know what I have to do. I had gotten a job in the Yeshivah where I have access to a completely filtered computer, and I tested to see if GYE is unblocked, and it is! I was so happy, I got into it and decided the best way to go was reading the forums. And now, here I am, hopefully continuing my trek upwards. 

The main thing I need to say is that I was saved from seeing the truly terrible stuff. B"h my father was on top of me enough to really make sure I was ok, and that I am not in a bad place. I have really been trying to grow in this area for YEARS. He even got me a sefer, which definitely helped. I am very grateful about where I am holding right now, I know it could be much, much worse, I feel like this is really the end, and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is getting brighter.

Thank you for reading, I feel great putting this out and getting it off of my back, I think I am truly able to move on from this.

ha! i was wondering how you got from 8 to 8...
hope shiduchim continues going well:)

Forgot last night again, I have other things occupying my mind, b"h, hopefully will make it up today.

Just something weird that happened today. I got a random text from someone with a number I didn't know, and I sometimes like messing with these people. Basically, I asked who it was and said I didn't know who it was and they got the wrong number. Then she sent a picture... I made sure to delete it right away, b"h, so no problems, just a weird occurrence. 

Thanks everyone, keep davening and be"h everything will continue to go well!

Hatzlacha!

Forgot last night again, I have other things occupying my mind, b"h, hopefully will make it up today.

Just something weird that happened today. I got a random text from someone with a number I didn't know, and I sometimes like messing with these people. Basically, I asked who it was and said I didn't know who it was and they got the wrong number. Then she sent a picture... I made sure to delete it right away, b"h, so no problems, just a weird occurrence. 

Thanks everyone, keep davening and be"h everything will continue to go well!

Hatzlacha!