Hello,
It hurts me so much to feel so hopeless on quitting watching porn. I have been trying to quit for 10 years now though I have been looking at porn since I was 10 years old.
I have been to years of therapy, SA meetings on the phone and in person. reading up on the matter and cant find a way out of this. (I am currently 10 hours clean) a few times I went more than 6 months without looking at anything not tznius but now fell again.
In midst of my recent streak of not looking at anything not tznius for 10 months out of the blue I get this crazy urge to look at porn and it swept me up like tsunami. I was going about my day and before I know I was taken over by this urge and without thinking just went to a porn website and within two minutes my 6 month streak down the drain. 
It has been two months since this episode and I cant go more than a day without it. I am just so down on myself. I want to give on trying to fight it altogether, its so draining. I want to give up the fight and throw in the towel. it is so hard to keep trying. giving it my all and just keep failing with so much shame.

S.N. wrote on 05 Jan 2023 21:53:

your six month streak is intact and nothing can take that away from you.  these are hard times for you but every time you fight back is a huge statement.  let go of the shame.  we are all on your side.

Hi there. my brother! Here we are all brothers, supporting each other and looking after one another. We care about you and want to hear from you. My friend, one day clean is one day clean. it's yours forever and ever and nothing you will ever do will change that. The YH wants us to think that "it went down the drain".  So wrong. What you did right is not down the drain, it lasts forever! Look around on this site, my friend, there are so many people that thought they can't get out of it, yet they did. Stick around, learn the ropes, and let us know how you are doing.

So why not just go on with life?
why are you driving yourself crazy? 

First I would like to say that I understand how you feel, having found myself in low places of the same sort after several clean months.  In short, it's a very negative place to be. 

Yes, it hurts when a person falls and hits rock bottom. However, when a person finds himself in a dark pit, he can either choose to climb back out into the light or continue digging himself deeper. We are all here because we have experienced falling and - at some point - digging ourselves deeper into that pit.  But most importantly, we are all here because we are striving to climb out.  Sometimes it can be frightening when we look at the darkness around us, or look back and think of how we could fall down again. Sometimes it can be discouraging when we see how much farther we still have to go. However, if we look up at the light which is always up ahead of us, we are no longer focused on the darkness behind us.  The closer we get to the top the more illuminated our surroundings are, and the climb up doesn't seem so daunting anymore.  And - if we do dare to look down - we see the path behind us more clearly and realize just how far we've come.   

Along the same line, it's so important to focus on the positivity, not the lack; on the light, not the darkness.   

This reminds me of an idea I discussed in a post yesterday.

(guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/390513-Hello-Everyone)

When a person hits rock bottom, they experience a wake up call which - if heeded - serves to steer them back to the right path in life. Everything an individual goes through is ultimately for the best.

In Pirkei Avot, there is a pasuk:

"מִּצְוָה גּוֹרֶרֶת מִצְוָה, וַעֲבֵרָה גוֹרֶרֶת עֲבֵרָה"

Energy of the same kind attracts energy of the same kind. If a person focuses on the positive, then they will attract more positivity.  Conversely, if a person focuses on the negative they will attract more of the same. Just like there is a downward spiral, there is an upward spiral as well. It all starts in the mind.

This also relates to the idea "סוף מעשה במחשבה תחילה".  What a person thinks eventually manifests itself, if they focus on the thought and allow it to develop.  A person's outer world is an expression of one's inner world.  If a person changes their mindset for the better, they change their life for the better.

Shalom,
The shame its the firts thing YetzerH uses for drag us down and make us think darkness change HaShem's will. But as Tehilim 139 says: "The darkness does not darken anything the darkness is light for You". The fight its not easy but if you don't give up on pursuit life, HaShem will show you how those darkets moments were necesary for you to grew and built your service to HaShem on a solid ground. Even when the free will was given to us we must learn to make HaShem's will "because thats all human being", and because HaShem's will is that we guard his commandments when He see our will to chase them He will helping us to change the darkness into relucient lights and our wasted soul in a silver soul passed through refining furnance.

To me being dead it's pretty easy you just have to "going with the flow" and the monotony of life's errands, the fight for being one with HaShem, for actually being alive, its no easy in this world, its draining, confusing, painful some times seems ponitless but at the end, at least to me, the reguard worth the fight. You must keep the fight even HaShem belives you can do it, that's why He gifts you every breath you take every gay a hoel new oportunity to renaissance.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/390373-Tracing-HaShems-lights-within-me#390374