hi it`s hakol tov i want to share my full story i knew thet i already shared my story but it was short and it`s said all feelings i have piled up in my heart and maybe can someone take chissuk from it ok so i`m a 24 year old born to lovely perents perents thet never screamed on me thay never shamed me and also not punish me too much i was an average child like any other child learning davan doing everything rigth (ah... i miss thet days tinokes shal beis rabon shloi toami taam chate) so if every thing is fine so why you are here on gye you ask so it`s a lot of people thet blame their perents in all of their sind but the trute is thet it`s not depends on your perents who you are you have the yetzer horo not your perents and you have the bchira i not judge nobody but it`s not rigth to blame your perents in a thing thet you on top of it so i go away from the subjact so my sexuel life starts at 13 yeaqr old like alot of us i was sleeping in my bed i feel thet something?!? is happen in my body i feel ticklish so i start touching and exploring till one nigth thet something comes out of me while exploring i not need to tell uoy thet from thet day on i was do every day and sometimes twice a day i enjoy it so much not because i feel isolated not because nothing it`s feels good because thet heshem make you should want to go to woman to fill the world with more people if we would no have this tavva no one will get merried and one will have kids ok so anyway this routine  was for the next two years every nigth in shower once a day or twice a day whan i was 15 year old i had a good friend in my yeshivah thet one say in alil he come to me in mikvah and whispered a sod in my ear thet he wants to tell me something urgant so we walk to yashivah and he said to me thet would like to see the... so not awnsered him yes or no because i think to me if he wants to go to the woods or to some basemant to do it i would not go with him so thet day was my miserable day in my life i was shocked to the deepest in my soul even dough i do it by myself but someone else to do it with me was a terrifying thing to me the whole day i was in a storm do it or not from one side i had the tavva to do it and from the other side i was knew it`s avery big avaire so it`s get the evening we want on the bus and he was every day sitting in my seat so he start touching me so i turn awey from him because i not want to do it so he try to touch me again and again but i don`t stop to turn awey from him ok so i want off the bus and i go in to bathroom and it`s starts to ejaculate from itself i was terrified i ran out of my house and ran and ran without a target where to go and then come back home a differant guy i was changed i not relize it then but it was a major change in me from the day on i had a fobie to go on a bus so i walked home every evening and get tavvos to the jewish woman on the streets not looking on them at all but the tavva burned in me and also from thet day i get a strong and deep tavvo to touch a boy of my yeshivah i never touched someone but the same thing the tavvo was burned in me like a huge fire and not let me sleep eat or do any thing without thet tavvo whan i was 15 i was start thinking what is this ejaculation means so it`s a gamoro in masachta sukkah thet it`s a arow thet`s not makabel timah it`s here a chitzim zchorim and it`s a chtzim nakeivos so get the picture thet it the thing what couples do to have kids but it`s not make me think about woman because my tavvo was only for boys by my 16 years i start have a thouge thet because i do so much the mz"l i go never have kids because it`s write down in parshas tazria thet one of the failure of a cohen to serve the avoida is mroach osech so rashi explains thet is mean thet the sperm not go with a power so by me the sperm did not go with power so i stop completly for the next two years to do mz"l sometimes i will feel i would bust but i not do it by the 18 years whan people in my yeshive start to get chatanim i start develope a strong tavvo to woman but i not do even then only once in 3 months so after thet i get a chatan to a amazing kallah but the thougthes thet i will never have kids get stronger and more worse so i start figthing with the machsovas from woman day after day so after a while i stop thinking literly i STOP thinking i get deprest and alone isolating myself more and more i stopped talking to people it was really hard but i not do it even once at being chatan. till i go to my chatan madrich so the first time he saw me he said something bother you so i tell him everything he said you need to go for help so i get merried with a wonderfull woman but she saw also thet im deprest so i start madication a month after the chatuna i start also speaking to a terepist after my chatunah i start thinking thet i not have a nice woman and i imagine what if i will have a more beuatyful woman so i start mastubating rendomly every day or sacond day i was by my terepist but i not make progress i get more bad after two years by the terepist i come very close to mlasting boys in mikvah i come very close but i not touch any one in my whole life so my terepist sand my to SA so i start SA meetings twice a week but it`not helped so after three months of not being sober i stop SA after thet i stop also to go go to terepy i change skyetrist he give me a strong pill thet calm awey the strong tavvo thet  i have this help me a lot also i stop go to mikvah because i want to hold my self not to fail so the tavvo shifted  from boys and buchrim to pornagrafy so i was working by the computer and i was have thew strongest filter but i was open with my filter to see images so i figure out of a website on the video it was shaded but if you hover on it you can see anything and every thing so i start looking at it every nigth for a full year after a year i think to me you are a big shaigatz whan someone will know about thet they will threw my out of shul so i stop doing it every nigth just do it whan the `yatzer hora hot goiver gaven` like twice a month after  two years i changed job in my new job i had alot on un filtered devices but i not have such a nasoin becuase i already looked on any thing so i`m bored of all thet stuff but i`m still looking on porn once a month so i want to stop even thet and also i want to stop masture bating so thet why i`m here i want to be erhlich i want to be heilig i not want to do what i did i`m feeling misareble after doing it my whole self confidance is in danger whan i`m doing it so i hope here i will can cure myself complete with your help heilige tzadikim of GYE love you all thanks for listening

Oh wow. My heart is with you my friend. I'm so sorry for all  your pain, you suffered terribly. I'm so inspired that after all you've been through you are still here, posting on GYE, fighting the YH, you are an inspiration! Keep on fighting and keep on posting! let us know where you are up to, we all want to hear from you. Hatzlacha!

From your writing (from a graphology standpoint) it looks like you have no space to breathe or think...
So please take a deep breath........ smile.... know that you are not alone and WE are here for you.
With Hashem's help you'll be able to heal from your old issues and learn new perspectives in this challenge.  
The main thing is not to give up and stay connected to the great people here on GYE.

Gevalt, so much pain for so long. Please understand that SA meetings aren't designed to stop a person from doing anything. The meetings are only designed to help a person who is completely open with their recovering friends and with their sponsor and actually working the SA program with their sponsor. I'm clean be"H for a while in SA and I've been speaking with many GYE guys over the past 15 years here, to help them decide if SA meetings are for them, or not - SA is not for everybody here, that's for sure. And when it is for somebody, it still won't work if they're not using it the right way. This shouldn't be considered a weakness of SA, because you see that for the past bunch of years you have been trying to use Torah and Teshuvah - Hashem's best tools - and they have not worked for you yet, either. So I think it's time to talk a little bit because maybe it will help be'H. You can reach me at 917-414-8205 if you want.
Always your chaver no matter what,

Dov

Dov - would like to wish a happy Chanukah.
Haven't seen you for a while.
Was missing you.

Thanks, that was very nice. I spend between 2 and 4 hours a day on the phone with GYE guys, every day, bH. I've been opting for that rather than spending the hours on the forum.

Kindly remind me: who are you?

Dov wrote on 15 Dec 2022 14:45:

Ohhh... That's a heavy question.

connected wrote on 15 Dec 2022 14:52:

GYE is of course the most unsafe environment in which to identify ourselves. I would never expect or want anyone here too do that. I was just inviting you to PM me to remind me who you are. We don't need to hide from each other in PM, of course. I am a known entity, attend meetings regularly and like hundreds of others in every frum community regularly attend meetings, understand and adhere to the practice of public anonymity very well, bH.  I'm sure your presence here is very helpful to many people, by the way.

Good Shabbos!