yud909 wrote on 06 Nov 2022 22:26:
Hi All
I would like to share my story with he hope that it will keep me from falling yet again.
I've struggled with pornography and masturbation for as long as I can remember. I naively thought it would end as soon as I got married, it obviously did not. I was in kollel for many years and had my ups and downs, some good months some terrible months. When I went out to work, things pretty much remained the same with ups and downs, mainly with pornography sites but occasionally phone lines as well. I'm sure this sounds cliché but I'm a "regular good guy", what many people call yeshivish. I live in a great community, have a shaychus with my Rav, good friends, chavrusas, loving wife and kids etc. I daven with minyan and learn daily with multiple chavrusas etc.
A few years ago I worked out of town for a few days a week. My life has never been the same. I first visited a massage parlor, then had ladies come to my hotel room and the list goes on but at the risk of being a trigger for myself and others I'll stop there. I no longer work out of town but unfortunately once I was exposed to that, I found out all too easily how everything that's available over there is available at home as well.
Every Yom Kippur I do teshuva, real sincere Teshuva. I cry and beg Hashem for help to stop my addiction. Sometimes I make it past Sukkos other times I don't. But this Yom Kippur was different for me. I felt it was on a whole new level. I stumbled right before Rosh Hashana and I really felt this Yom Kippur with my kabolos and my resolve this would be the end. I made it through Sukkos and had an incredible Simchas Torah and thought maybe just maybe this time would be different.
Alas, it was not so and here I am. I've stumbled 3 times since Sukkos and while I'm not giving up, it is EXTREMELY DEPRESSING. Will this be my fate until the day I die (or get caught) ? A few good weeks and then a few weeks of depravity?
Today is Sunday, my last complete fall was on Thursday. Since then I went to the mikvah, had a beautiful Shabbos, davened, learnt etc, and today I was fighting the urges constantly and flirted with disaster but ultimately didn't succumb (probably would've if I didn't have filters on computer and phone).
I'm not sure what writing all this will accomplish, but I'm at a loss and looking for any chizuk and advice.
Would love to hear from anyone that has stumbled as low as I have and has been clean for long periods of time.
As you may know, I spent 40 years stumbling way lower and more frequently than you! And I have not acted out with anyone for 16 years and I am really working on the p and m and am now at 66 days. You can do this and you will. You have amazing resolve and in the merit of all the strength you give to others with your comments to them, you will do this.
