Teshuvahguy wrote on 27 Dec 2022 23:56:

sorry, i didn't have time to write more.  my point was that you did not choose it and so you should not feel ashamed.  i think ilovehashem247 already said it well...

Vehkam wrote on 28 Dec 2022 00:31:

Vehkam, on December 16, 2021, you were tearing up when you wrote:

”I am not guaranteed success and there is a part of me that does  not believe it is possible.  I listened to today’s boost and I could not even bring myself imagine what success feels like.”

It is now a little more than one year later and look how you are helping me and many others. You are the real deal, my friend, and I have endless respect for you and thank you for taking an interest in me. You may never know the full impact your input is having on my ability to keep on going, but it’s significant. Love to you, my brother. 

Teshuvahguy wrote on 28 Dec 2022 00:22:

Just passing on what my teachers taught me… keep us posted! 

Teshuvahguy just wow. You inspired me. Hashem is lucky to have a child like yourself. And I'm proud to call you a brother.

Teshuvahguy wrote on 27 Dec 2022 23:05:

Sorry that even though you may cognitively understand hashems loves you, and the challenges he gave you, you don't feel it. And oh boy how much he loves you.

Teshuvahguy wrote on 27 Dec 2022 23:05:

You wrote "The yetzer hara owned me tonight".  Nothing could be further from the truth - you did your best and  you won the yetzer hara!  but you do have to do teshuva now for midvar sheker tirchak - (loosely translated - never tell a lie) 

How are you my friend? 
Im soo proud of you for continuing to fight even with this great difficulty! 
Unfortunately  i understand somewhat the pain that you are in. We are used to escaping from the desires by acting out and now we dont do that. 
Its frustrating that its not getting easier and you keep on being triggered and thinking that you cannot possibly fight forever and whats the point of trying then? why s Hashem not helping you to  make this easier?  and on and on......
I feel you, i really do. Ive had times when i felt the same anger and frustrated, but guess what? the longer i go on without giving in, the thought this is just a bunch of baloney and this desire is the fakest of all desires is getting stronger! It takes a long time but eventually your brain has enough wires that are telling it "come on man, you know this is not real, that person is not a tenth as attractive as that other part of the brain wants you to think he/she is! You've been down this road and its not worth it, dont go blindly following that primitive part of the brain! Listen to the enlightened part.
And sometimes it doesn't work, and then i stop and scream to Hashem everything i feel in my heart. Maybe when i go up to heaven in a long day, they will bring it up as one of my bad deeds, screaming at Hashem? what were you thinking? So ill tell them, please show this to Him and let me know what He says..... I was only screaming because i wanted to do HIs will! 

Anyways keep up the fight! we need every soldier willing and able to stand with us!
Love always

chancy wrote on 28 Dec 2022 19:17:

Oh, Chancy, I’m really feeling your love (forgive me for presuming to use that word). I read this post in the midst of having the following thoughts that were really upsetting me (I’ll share them in a moment) and your post to me was so gentle, kind, and dare I say even tender, that it tapped into all my unfulfilled need for men who are able to talk to me in a caring and loving way without it being a sexual thing. It really touched me. I’ve never had guy friends who could convey that without it being a sexually based situation. It feels so nice to get that from a male friend. So thank you. 

Maybe because it is 70 days of fighting successfully (which is longer than I ever have gone before), it seems the YH is really pulling out the big guns. For the first time in 15 years, I am being pulled with thoughts of actually acting out with a live man. That thought has not entered my mind in 15 years. Maybe the porn was enough of a substitute…watching instead of doing, but suddenly the pull is strong. Is this my YH ramping up the fight because I’m succeeding? Is my streak causing this escalation? I know I will never really cross that line. That’s the big promise I made to Hashem when I became a BT, so if I do that it blows everything I’ve worked for and the punishment will be severe. So I won’t. But, the pull is excruciating. I don’t have a lot of Torah knowledge. Can someone explain to me how the YH works in cases like this? PS. I know I post my SSA issues on the regular forum. Maybe it’s wrong, but my chevra…my friends, the guys I have come to love are all reading these forums and I need them and their support. Ilovehashem247, Vehkam, Connected, Human Being, committed to growth, Sapy, Eerie, Chancy, HHM, Cords, Gevurah shebYesod, and many others whose usernames escape me at the moment (senior moment) but who are equally vital and loved…these are the guys who care and that’s why I post here on the general forum. Please forgive me.

chancy wrote on 28 Dec 2022 19:17:

tralnsatiin from Chabbad.org

19The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; O God, You will not despise a broken and crushed heart.

יטזִֽבְחֵ֣י אֱלֹהִים֘ ר֪וּחַ נִשְׁבָּ֫רָ֥ה לֵב־נִשְׁבָּ֥ר וְנִדְכֶּ֑ה אֱ֜לֹהִ֗ים

It is a rule that as a person grows, so does his YH.

‏כל הגדול מחברו ייצרו גדול ממנו

Roughly translated. This means that if you are greater than your friend in spiritual matters, then by default, your inclinations will be more powerful. The reason for this is that your abilities go up with your strength, so since the general rule is that we are tested only with the test we can pass, and you could now pass a bigger test, therefore, your YH will be all the more powerful.

 This  should humble and strengthen you, because now you know that you’ve reached a higher level

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 28 Dec 2022 21:25:

Ilh247, was that response for me or chancy? Not sure what the deeper meaning is in reference to my situation. Sadly, I may not be too bright! Can you explain how it connects to me? (Or chancy). Thanks, bro. 

Hi TG! You are a true inspiration! No, the YH never sleeps. He keeps trying ever newer and sophisticated tricks. Remember my dear friend what others have said, you didn't choose to have these desires, you didn't choose the family that Hashem put you in, you didn't choose the challenges that your upbringing brought you. You DID choose to fight, you DID choose to change your life around and become frum, You DID choose to rip the guts out of yourself to make Hashem proud. So I ask you one simple question, is Hashem proud? Don't you know the answer? You feel like less than 2 cents because of your thoughts in shul, when you should be feeling like a million dollars that you fight those thoughts, that you do everything to grow closer to hashem every day! The YH convinces us that we are bad because we are struggling, because he knows that if we think we are bad we will be willing to do things that are bad. My friend, you wrote that Hashem was surely looking down and He was not happy, to put it mildly. I was not in heaven, but I can promise you that Hashem was looking down and was so proud of His son, who in that little shul there was struggling. But why was he struggling? Why didn't he just do whatever he wanted? Because he knows that Hashem wants him to fight. And fight he did! Hashem had such nachas! That's the fact, my friend. My friend, you are an inspiration to every one of us. You were not given the opportunities that many of us were given, but you try so hard just because you know that that is what Hashem wants from you. I wish I could come over and give a hug!

Eerie wrote on 28 Dec 2022 21:47:

Thank you for reminding me that what I have done with my life is not nothing! And I’ll take that hug from you any day of the week!!

Not only is it not nothing, it is everything! It is tons! And don't forget the main point, don't let the YH convince you to feel bad that you have struggles, the struggles are your ticket to all the good things, the struggles are what make you beloved to Hashem, the struggles are what make you special! Never forget how proud you make Hashem that you are fighting. Keep trucking, my holy friend!

It was for myself. And also for which ever audience reads it.

This world is upside down. Success does not mean having the most toys. To be a “real man” does not mean to be called calculating cunning and strong.

The Talmud (Avoda Zara I think folio 17 or 18) brings down an acronym for “man”

גבר=גומל חסדים, בישן, רחמן 

From a Torah perspective, a real man is someone who performs acts of kindness for others, who has a sense of shame in that he is not arrogant and obnoxious, and has mercy and other people (and for himself, of course, that must be a given)

G-d created everything that exists. Do you know how much gold exists in outer space? Every time a star supernovas, all the heavy elements may be created. The amount of gold and silver floating around in outer space is more than anything that exists in this world, in fact, you can take all the gold floating around in outer space, make it the size of the earth, and you would still have leftover. Our sun is a tiny little star amongst the billions of billions of billions to the infinite exponent in existence. The One who created all of these things cannot be bribed with money or actions. He is beyond comprehension, and so beyond anything that we could even imagine, evidenced by the fact that if we just try to count the number of stars in the sky we would lose count, and that does not even consider the number of meteors, comets, asteroids and other astronomical bodies out there. There are a countless number of atoms that make up your body, the One who created all of these things is the One who puts the thoughts in your head, and He is the same one waiting to see your reaction. More precious than anything else to our Creator (according to the Tehilim quoted) is a humbled and broken heart , a heart of flesh instead of stone. Allowing oneself to feel vulnerable to the Creator is such a precious gift to He who knows sees and controls all. 

A sacrifice is the ultimate act of giving. And the ultimate sacrifice is a heart of flesh.