This was posted on another thread and someone suggested putting it on its own thread. I hope this helps someone see that there is always hope…

At the age of 14 I was groomed by a 33-year-old man and had my first gay (or any) sex. I blame myself because I was attracted to him; I was not forced — but I was just a kid. Still, I blamed myself for wanting it.

That set in motion literally 40 years of virtually daily compulsive gay encounters, sometimes several in a day. I was so compulsive that I couldn’t work until I satisfied the need. I would just leave my office.

Though raised in a non-religious home, Hashem watched over me and protected me through the AIDS epidemic which didn’t stop me but the fear made me much more careful about what I did, so I never got infected. But I was always traumatized and terrified.

In those days, I wanted desperately to stop but I couldn’t. I would mark on a paper calendar each day I could go without (kind of a pre-GYE 90 day calendar, but this was before the internet) but it never lasted more than a couple of days. Much of this while married. I felt so guilty and horrible and wanted to stop but it was impossible. It’s a miracle I am alive.

After 40 years of that madness, when I was at my lowest point…divorced, at odds with my kids, that a dear friend asked me to go to a Chabad and talk to the rabbi. For some reason I was willing to do that (to please my friend—I was sure it was a waste of time) and literally a miracle occurred. I listened to the Rabbi tell me some hard truths about what I needed to do and what I needed to stop doing if I wanted him to try to help me. The first miracle is that I allowed him to be very frank with me and didn’t tell him off. The second miracle is that from that moment, I put on tzitzis and a kippah and never acted out with a man again. That was 15 years ago. So I know the impossible is possible. I have done it. I stopped actually having sex with men.

But the urge to watch porn and masturbate I have not been able to completely control. I can for varying periods of time, but then something happens —stress or sadness/depression and I slip. I used to be afraid to give up having sex with guys thinking I could not live without it. I did give that up and found that I CAN live without it. So why is it so hard to cross this finish line regarding porn and masturbation? Same feeling exists as though I could not live the rest of my life without it. But I know that is untrue. I’ve proven it. So why am I falling?

I hope this painful story gives hope to others. I am still attracted to men but at least I am not committing the aveiras associated with having sex with them. Now I need to do more to control my P and M. 

Thank you all for being here on GYE. Without you we are all alone. 

Great stuff!

really amazing and you should be proud of yourself!

Amazing story!
You have come very far, but you need to realize and accept that you are an addict, and therefore your brain is hardwired to crave this stuff. 
You need to start looking at it from that angle and stop trying to rationalizing it. It doesnt make any sense at all. But thats what addictions do. 
Did you try to do the F2F program? lots of information that will be very helpfull to you

Good luck and good yom tov

@tshuvah, you would think I would be (and I guess I am for having been able to stop the actual crazy, addictive, life-dominating aveira) but I still feel so empty and lost because what kind of a man am I really? I want to desire women like men are supposed to and I have always felt broken because of this. And I am still committing a terrible aveira by masturbating and wasting seed, so I feel like a failure anyway. So I go to Shul and I daven and try to be a good Jew but what difference does it make if I am still committing a terrible sin watching men have sex and masturbating? It took me 40 years to stop acting out with men. I don’t have 40 more years to overcome this. I hold off for awhile then I can’t help it and I give in.

I think the first step is to block every item that you can possibly use to view improper things. If you can do that, you will be bale to go thru a sort of detox after a few weeks of not looking at this stuff. 
Then, you will work on the images that are tuck in your brain, but the first thing is to stop looking and getting your brain more and more hooked. 
​Please check the F2F program, you will learn to understand what happens with you indulge with your brain,.

Thank you for this. I am just beginning my journey and this is truly inspiring

hardswim122 wrote on 17 Nov 2022 03:27:

Thank you. That means a lot. Hatzlacha on your journey. We’re all here to help! 

Following every word of yours keep posting!

28 days clean!

chancy wrote on 19 Oct 2022 19:01:

I’m doing really well at not watching anything inappropriate. I’m doing really well at not conjuring old “videos” that are recorded in my brain and fantasizing. Where I’m having trouble is not looking at inappropriate places on people in public and imagining them. It may be just for a second but it’s enough and it makes it a lot harder. Need to work on averting my eyes. 

30 days!!!

unreal!!!!!!!!!

Human being wrote on 20 Nov 2022 01:49:

Thank you, HB. I’m feeling good about it! Not complacent, but solidly good

Wow! 
This is incredible! You should realize by now that EVERYTHING is possible. Dont believe the YH when he tells you that you need to do this or that.
The best teacher is our own lives, look back and remember what has happened when you listened to the YH. Whenever the YH comes to me and says do this or that, i think about the tiems ive done the same thing over and over and i can look myself in the mirror and say "you have done that already and? what good did it do? nothing but misery...."  
I know its tempting but nothing bad will happen if you dont give in to temptation, only good on this world and the next. 

This week and next week the Parsha talks about Yakov Avinu how holy he was! He was the epitome of Kedusha! He got married the first time at age 86 and never had any sort of emission before..... that is Absolutly incredible. Very few people in the entire history of the world could claim the same. However, he is not named Yakov Hatzadik. Only Yosef is Named Yosef Hatzadik! Even though Yosef was very tempted and according to one point of view he was actually about to give in to temptation but he remembered his fathers image and abstained im afraid to wirte what the gmara says afterwards. 
The point is the Tzadikim are the ones that are tempted and keep fighting and even after falling dont give up, but keep going higher on the ladder and higher. 
Keep up the good fight! And Make Hashem proud!