so the day after yom kippur i took the filter off a phone i have and watched already 3 times in 24 hours. what a disaster almost feels like any time i get too close to hashem the yetzer harah is there to tell me that "its too intense", "you cant do this". even coming up with excuses like "its not healthy" or "u have to be normal" and stuff like that. All essentially trying to somehow convince me that its the best thing for me to go destroy whatever little pieces of ruchniyus i still have, or have built over aseres yemei teshuva and yom kippur. Help!!

tryingtoshteig1926 wrote on 07 Oct 2022 13:53:

i am sorry for your fall.  the ruchniyus that you built is not something that can ever be destroyed, even if you are not feeling it right now.  is there anything that you are doing to remind you of the mindset that you were able to have on yom kippur?  

"the ruchniyus that you built is not something that can ever be destroyed, "

precisely.

my advice, to build on that, is to always remind yourself that being so close to Hashem is NORMAL.  

tryingtoshteig1926 wrote on 07 Oct 2022 13:53:

Hi brother. I am so sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I can feel it from your words. Not that I've been asked to recommend anything, but I think you should consider that perhaps Hashem does not want you to approach the battle against watching porn and masturbating as a spiritual one, but rather as a medical problem, through the lens of these actions being a compulsive behavior ingrained in our brains' circuitry since youth as a way to deal with stress and discomfort and that it is now an addiction because we can't stop even though we want to and even though we know it's harmful behavior. I am not saying we don't have free will and that we don't have to choose to stop and that we can just say, "I'm an addict, it's not my fault.". We do have free will and we do need to stop even though we are addicts. I am just saying that by looking at the problem through an objective and clinical lens (instead of using rhetoric about the yetzer hara and ruchnius), you may be able to empower yourself to stop feeling bad about yourself for being the victim of addiction, and seek out and utilize the proper tools to put addiction into remission for good (there are many guys on this site who have had success in beating addiction for a long time using the standard tools. Start with the GYE flight to freedom program if you want!)
Have a great Shabbos, and try to feel GOOD about yourself! The fact that you care about doing what's right makes you beloved to Hashem. You are already one in a billion for actually caring to do what's right.

i will just tell you a thought someone told me, that when someone falls after y"k - he shouldnt look at it as "o I am back to my old habits" but trather you are still the new champ that we all felt like after neila and now its a test to see what standard you will hold yourself on

I'm very sorry to hear that. Any chance you can throw out that phone, since it sound like this one is an extra one, or get a better filter on it? The ones in my signature should be able to help in that you can't get rid of them.

When it comes to falls as a result of reasons like that I always try to start recovery/teshuvah by taking care of the device. They by themselves won't cut it for those who have unfortunately developed a habit in regards to it, like me as an example, but it is necessary and helps tremendously nonetheless.

Thanks for sharing. Our brain/yetzer harah/addiction is very clever at telling us anything to get us back to our drug. What's worked for me is to share honestly with people and lock down any devices that I've been using for pornography.

“…these actions being a compulsive behavior ingrained in our brains' circuitry since youth as a way to deal with stress and discomfort and that it is now an addiction because we can't stop even though we want to…”

EXACTLY. That’s what P&M are for me and ever since my non-frum youth when I was told it was healthy and normal it has been my emotional crutch and I am unable to stop, it seems, as I have been dependent upon this behavior for many decades. 

No matter how many filters I use when I am overcome with the need I disable and bypass them all. I have no one I can trust to set passwords I don’t know. Even if I did I am not sure I would commit to it because the idea of losing access to my obsession is too scary to cut myself off. 

I was in the same place as you describe just about one year ago…

Has anything helped? I’m so tired of the cycle but terrified to lose the behavior. It’s just wild. I hold back and hold back until I just can’t anymore. Even when I am holding back I know eventually it will get too strong and I will succumb. I wish I had a frum therapist I could talk to or a rabbi I could trust to confide in. It’s also a SSA issue so I could never confide in someone where I live. I’d be too ashamed to admit it and afraid of being “outed”. 

Has anything helped? I’m so tired of the cycle but terrified to lose the behavior. It’s just wild. I hold back and hold back until I just can’t anymore. Even when I am holding back I know eventually it will get too strong and I will succumb. I wish I had a frum therapist I could talk to or a rabbi I could trust to confide in. It’s also a SSA issue so I could never confide in someone where I live. I’d be too ashamed to admit it and afraid of being “outed”. 




Please send me an email. Vehkam7@gmail.com every situation is slightly different but it is possible to break free…. I have a lot of writing about my journey in my thread. What worked for me will not necessarily work for the next person but it is also clear that even though I was fully immersed in forbidden stuff for over three decades I was still able to break free. That should give you hope…

Brother, stop being so hard on yourself. Ok, you messed up. We all do. Move on, and strive to me better. Don't fall into the pull of יאוש (dispair)

There's a lot of good personal inspiring stories on the forums and I'm sure some will reflect yours. Feel free to channel your energy into reading and posting on the forum rather than porn (or the GYE resources like Flight to Freedom).

I completely agree with the idea of the mind block as to whether long term sobriety is possible and the importance of breaking that block. Everyone's journey to breaking that block is ultimately personal.

It helps, I think, early on to work on ways to clear your mind and improve your mood (and gain confidence in your sobriety muscles). Lots of exercise works for some (like me).