I am going to my parents for the first half of Yom Tov, and plan on sitting with my mother to ask her what happened and to have a conversation about this molestation parsha....

scared of what might come up. 

The truth is hidden from me, and I suspect that this trauma is what kicked off my addiction(s). I've come to realize that addiction (at least for me), is my mind's way of not facing life - especially when it comes to traumatic topics. 

I'm in a headspace where I am ready to face my trauma and work through it... I have no idea what I am opening the door to but I do know that in order to heal, the best way forward is through. 

Please daven for me to have strength and clarity. 

Wow you really went through a lot.
here I was thinking I'd been through difficult circumstances, while there are people out there with stories like yours- cults, abuse...
Not that this is comforting to you in any measure- but you should know that I get chizuk from hearing how others have managed to bridge a crevasse of seemingly unsurmountable circumstances-seemingly much larger than mine.
If you could do it, i certainly should be able to as well.
continued Hatzlocha in the battles, and may we win the war.
Gmar Chasima Tova

reflecting back on the past two years, i am glad to recognize that i do not hate myself any more
I am a good person
great husband
loving father
humble son
kind friend
honest seller
respectful buyer
I have other parts of me too, but I best not forget those parts of me that are lovely

Reposting with edits, hopefully not too triggering: 

post 1 from a week or two ago: 
post two originally written last night:
I tried to keep it ambiguous and non triggering, while still clarifying thoughts and feelings. Please let me know if you think I should make any further edits, thanks. 

My father has been helping me to pay for therapy. I asked him to send a payment today, and he asked me to "please try and resolve the issue by the end of this year." 
LOL!
If only he knew...

I wanted to say back, "try to talk to your teenage kids about sex and puberty and healthy boundaries, instead of handing them a book and walking away" but that wouldn't have done good for anyone.

He has no clue!

The only person I can fix is me. 

Every [sponsored] dollar that goes toward therapy is a free gift

Thank you Hashem for the opportunity to grow through action and also through inaction. 

Had a conversation with my parents over YT about the molestation. 
My bottom line understanding is that the perpetrator seems to have, indeed, acted out with me. Also, her family covered up what happenned, and my parents didn't probe deeper. Sweeping under the rug and denial. 

Sounds pretty Jewish....

Also just want to surrender that the niece that stayed by me over the summer is here with her mother and sisters. 
They invited themselves over last minute, and got to my house before I did after being away for YT. 

Lust hitting pretty hard right now. Fighting the fantasy, but the way to win this is by surrendering and just letting go. 

I am not seeing her naked and I cannot have sex with her. 

Not even a chance. 

Not even an option. 

I will be at the recovery Shabbaton this weekend.
IS anyone reading this going to be there? 
would love to meet some GYE brothers.

had a great time at the Shabbaton
I had a personal breakthrough in the meditation room, and forgave myself for the harm I've done with my alcohol+lust-drunk interactions with a young woman related to me by marriage. I also became willing to disclose that interaction in my upcoming disclosure (although I am working with my therapist to word it in a way that will retain the victim's anonymity). It was eye opening to listen to spouses in keynote speeches and in couples' meetings and gain perspective of the coaddict's journey. It gave my wife hope too that my ups and downs do not have to be her ups and downs. There are many women who shared how when they no longer took responsibility for their husbands' lust addictions and behaviors, the husbands had to face the reality that they need to recover on their own and can't blame the wife. I needed to hear that...

Very grateful that our baby came along for the weekend. Was very overwhelmed at times and playing with the baby was a great distraction / relaxation method. 

i have been writing my full disclosure to share with my wife and got super triggered when writing about the first molestation around 13 years old
had a panic attack the next night as well

made a boundary with a very distant relative which included a few hundred dollar refund that I practically had to chase him down to force out of him.

he went crazy and sent vile emails to another (much closer relative) 

this was compounded on top of other life experiences

i had an full blown anxiety/panic attack last night while driving down the highway. it was horrible. begged Gd to take it away, wife talked me down, and eventually I got out of it. 


physically painful experience

lots to share
tons of growth
it's easy to forget to share the wins and not just the losses

growing in mental health together with my wife
discovering lots of my triggers are "mommy issues" 

letting go of expectations of my relationship with father / mother looking a certain way, accepting them for who they are more and more. 

sad about relationships around us falling apart, but happy that it is becuase we are setting healthier boundries with the toxic people in our lives. 

my little brother is trying to get engaged and parents are twisting him back and forth., yes-no-yes-no-yes-no. Glaf that wife and I are able to be of support to him. 

doing my SA stepwork (almost) daily. (working thru the workbook called "the gentle path")
meeting with sponsor
daily meeting eachmorning sunday-thursday
reaching out to old timers and new comers.
owning my bad behavior and recognizing wife's growth

putting more faith in Hashem when it comes to money
I'll be fine, always have been

today my business checking account got overdrawn, I accepted it, 30 min later a customer calls me several times practically begging to send me thousands of dollars each day because there's a max to how much she can zelle at a time. 

It always works out

a great formula for surrender "Hashem, you are so good at art, you made that woman so beautiful especially __________, thank you for showing her to me but I don't want to be stuck on her so please take the desire away in this instance"

It's been working. 

recognizing how pretty my wife is. I used to think she was just an average looking woman but now i recognize more and more how amazing she is, inside and out. 

a fellow gye member reached out and encouraged me to check in since i have not done so in a while. thanks anonymous user for giving me the nudge. 

lots to share
i have a cold so that is all for now

also, when I feel bad, historically that's a trigger to act out. Kinda like "can't make me feel any worse, can it? It's like blowing my nose too many times with cheap tissues."

I have a cold and I'm soooooooooooooooooo good at being a nebach sick guy with a cold. 
so easy to rationalize a quick M, cuz anyways I feel cruddy. 

Not an excuse. 

Hard pass on that one. 

Thanks. 

My little bro is close to getting engaged. My wife and I have been supporting him thru the process (some background - my parents are emotionally absent and emotionally manipulative as well as paranoid. They mean well though!), and he reached out to me asking how to ensure that P&M won't be an issue for him after marriage (l0l)

After freaking out and calling my sponsor and old timers to talk about it, I shared more about my experiences and he identified, especially with the "my brain was screaming no, but my body was acting out, going places and doing things like a robot outside of my control."

i've told him about my involvement in AA and SA. He ws supposed to come over tonight, be screened by a member of the local group, and come to a meeting with me in the morning. texted me after shabbat backing out. 

It's a bit disappointing, but my sponsor reminded me to think about what it was like for me coming in. i left for a year after my first meeting. 

I remember Dov nudging me to check out SA and I got really annoyed at him. (sorry dov, i know you had good intentions)

I am also being honest with myself and recognizing that I was also really excited to have someone in my family that I could talk to about the insanity in our family....

Reminding myself that the program works by attraction rather than promotion. Not looking for converts, but those who seek shall find what they're looking for. 

for clarity, to understand the family dynamic.

A story about my "highly eligible single sister" who my mother says " how dare he consider dating her" about any eligible young man who does not fit into an impossible box:

She got elective plastic surgery, purely cosmetic and entirely not necessary. She didn't like the angle of the tip of her nose so she (closer to 30 than 20 years old btw) whined and cried to my father till he agreed to pay. She got insulted when i didn't say anything about it to her a few weeks later when I went with the wife and kids to parents for shabbat. Her friend came over with a gift basket the day after the surgery to "celebrate" the surgery. She craves the high life - drives a luxury SUV, wears brand name clothes, goes to exclusive restaurants and private parties - all on our father's credit card. she's completely broke yet living the high life. G-d forbid that she should get a job - she's on a 100% percent scholarship in grad school for some BS degree she's never going to use (paid in full by pops), and wouldn't even consider marrying anyone who doesn't make enough money to support a $15-20k/month lifestyle, for starters. 

talk about not being comfortable in your own skin.... 

In my parents' home, we were told that we are better than other because of our last name (probably nobody from out of town ever heard of us btw)
shidduch suggestions are lucky to have the opportunity to date us... my wife and i are the weird ones in the family. We're both in therapy, nebach. 

not surprising that I treated my wife like a rag for years.... grateful that we both got help and now she holds me accountable. 

sheesh.

also, i found a leftover acting out piece of tech i thought i got rid of, instantly started making plans where and when to use it. 
then therapy and program tools kicked in. i surrendered the opportunity to Hashem. Thanked him for the beautiful things I saw with previous items, but asked to be relieved of the obsession. I smashed it up, threw it out, and moved on. Grateful i didn't fall into that rut again. 

ilovehashem247 wrote on 12 Jan 2025 02:59:

True Gadlus!!!
WOW!!!